mtnmagic

I posted this in a thread that I have come to know as best I can to give me support...I decided to post it here. If you have thoughts, suggestions I really, really would welcome them all. I am not looking to be right at all. I'm looking to get better....Thanks for reading!
***********


Hi Penny Ladies - Sorry I have been scarce of lately. I'm still shaking in my boots. As I may have mentioned I have been struggling with my relationship with my older son. He is addicted to oxy. He has lived here since his release from jail on a probation violation since October. He had not followed through on a single thing that we agreed on since that time. To make matters worse, I have had a hard time resolving my guilt about being a relapsing alcoholic during this time. You have been the greatest of help and inspiration to me.
I am currently 35 days sober and plan on staying that way.
Rita gave me a wonderful suggestion about boundaries. I tried to use it to the best of my abilities. My AS tried to walk all over me for the umpteenth time. I have known that he has stolen money from me in the past. Because of my own history, he has tried to use this against me. I'm crazy, I've been drunk, I have not managed my bills. None of this has been the truth. Finally, yesterday I got my last bank statement. He not only had been taking money out of my account, he then reported my bank card stolen to cover his tracks.

Talk about a "Come to Jesus" moment for me. I finally had enough. I was done. At least I was calm at the time. I told him that he had two hours to get his stuff out of my house. I explained that if that was not done, I would call his probation officer, drug court, the DA's office, whoever to make sure the situation stopped. I think the difference was this time is I really, really meant it.

He and a friend were at my home within the hour moving his stuff out of here. I stayed calm and detached. Another big one for me. There is more stuff he can either move out, or I will box up and put on the deck.

It makes me so very sad, this is my child who I know is suffering. I will not allow his addiction to abuse me anymore. I just will not. I will deal with the guilt of my own alcoholism in my own time. Giving him a pass because of my own past actions will not help this situation at all.

Through all the waves of pain I do feel relief. Something had to change. Thank god it is coming about without a lot of drama and suffering for all involved.

I really wish that I would have reached out while this situation was happening. I just didn't know how to. I have learned that my own guilt and shame is my worst enemy. I did good, but I did it all alone. I hope to learn that I can and will be accepted so I don't do this to myself again.