Would like both support and suggestions here please.

Old 03-17-2008, 09:51 PM
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Would like both support and suggestions here please.

I posted this in a thread that I have come to know as best I can to give me support...I decided to post it here. If you have thoughts, suggestions I really, really would welcome them all. I am not looking to be right at all. I'm looking to get better....Thanks for reading!
***********


Hi Penny Ladies - Sorry I have been scarce of lately. I'm still shaking in my boots. As I may have mentioned I have been struggling with my relationship with my older son. He is addicted to oxy. He has lived here since his release from jail on a probation violation since October. He had not followed through on a single thing that we agreed on since that time. To make matters worse, I have had a hard time resolving my guilt about being a relapsing alcoholic during this time. You have been the greatest of help and inspiration to me.
I am currently 35 days sober and plan on staying that way.
Rita gave me a wonderful suggestion about boundaries. I tried to use it to the best of my abilities. My AS tried to walk all over me for the umpteenth time. I have known that he has stolen money from me in the past. Because of my own history, he has tried to use this against me. I'm crazy, I've been drunk, I have not managed my bills. None of this has been the truth. Finally, yesterday I got my last bank statement. He not only had been taking money out of my account, he then reported my bank card stolen to cover his tracks.

Talk about a "Come to Jesus" moment for me. I finally had enough. I was done. At least I was calm at the time. I told him that he had two hours to get his stuff out of my house. I explained that if that was not done, I would call his probation officer, drug court, the DA's office, whoever to make sure the situation stopped. I think the difference was this time is I really, really meant it.

He and a friend were at my home within the hour moving his stuff out of here. I stayed calm and detached. Another big one for me. There is more stuff he can either move out, or I will box up and put on the deck.

It makes me so very sad, this is my child who I know is suffering. I will not allow his addiction to abuse me anymore. I just will not. I will deal with the guilt of my own alcoholism in my own time. Giving him a pass because of my own past actions will not help this situation at all.

Through all the waves of pain I do feel relief. Something had to change. Thank god it is coming about without a lot of drama and suffering for all involved.

I really wish that I would have reached out while this situation was happening. I just didn't know how to. I have learned that my own guilt and shame is my worst enemy. I did good, but I did it all alone. I hope to learn that I can and will be accepted so I don't do this to myself again.
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Old 03-17-2008, 10:54 PM
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Wow. You are amazing.

I humbly acknowledge that I do not have particular experience, strength and hope to share but I know there are so many wonderful people on this forum who do.

I just wanted to offer support for your incredible commitment to recovery.
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:08 AM
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God bless and prayers for you, Mountain. This mothering of an addict is so tough, but if you don't take care of you, there is little hope for anyone else. Keep strong and know you did the right thing for both of you
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:36 AM
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I think you have done very well in handling you son. I know it must have been a hard road that lead you to this decision.

I personally have had several of those "I can't take this anymore" moments. They always lead me to a better place. When dealing with someone else's addiction we have to have boundaries if we do not want to be harmed by their issues.

I believe what you did was also good for your son because he got a clear message that he can't do what he did and it not be addressed. Take good care of yourself and be gentle and congrats on your clean time.
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Old 03-18-2008, 05:30 AM
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you did the right thing. you will find out with your soberity that he will learn to respect you for doing this. let go of him, say a pray for him every morning & then turn him over to your H.P. my son is the addict in my life & i have learned to take care of myself by doing this. he is not your responsiability. i am sayingh a prayer for the both of you.
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Old 03-18-2008, 05:49 AM
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Good for you. YOUR recover is showing!
prayers for your son,
susan
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Old 03-18-2008, 05:50 AM
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You did the right thing for you. I too had to detach with love from my AS. It was a hard thing I had to do asking him to leave, but it was the best thing for both of us. He is now clean and I am now well, stronger and calmer. Congrats on your time clean and keep working on you, in time your AS will see you did this out of love for him.
Keep working on you since no one else will, you deserve to be taken care of.
Hugs and prayers coming your way
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:53 AM
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Hey Mtn you did GREAT!!!

Congrats also on your 35 days, those first 90 are really rough.

I see you live in Lake Tahoe, CA. There are some really GREAT AA and Alanon meetings up in that area!!!!! I know, used to go to them when I lived up there and just talked with one of my alanon friends up there 2 nights ago, lol.

The meetings will help you in your recovery from alcohol, and in keeping the boundaries you have set with your son.

Let me tell you that your boundaries are really GREAT. My folks finally did that to me when I was 33 1/2 yrs old. It took me another 2 and 1/2 years and 1 1/2 of that living on the street, before I found recovery, I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday.

Your son will find recovery when he is ready. By asking him to leave, you have now made it possible for him to take responsibility for his own actions.

You are doing great.

We have lots of moms on here with children that are in addiction. You have come to the RIGHT place to hear some great ES&H.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:39 AM
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mtnmagic

Not much to add...except perhaps to your comment about reaching out while it was happening.

I think perhaps you did. I think perhaps what you did outweighed anything you might have said. It is one of those scary moments when you offer someone the gift of honesty and you are left to wonder if it will end up in the dumptster.

Without consistency and honesty there can be no common ground in a relationship. I think both of you now know where things stand and what the "ground rules" are.That's "reaching out" to me.

warrens
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:40 AM
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You are my hero.
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Old 03-18-2008, 01:45 PM
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mountain,

I am very proud of you.
Keep it up!!

Colleen

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Old 03-18-2008, 02:01 PM
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(((((((((Mountain))))))))))




Another mom here. Wanted to add my prayers to you and your as.
Congratulations on your 35 days. Keep up the good work.
One day at a time.
I had to put my own adult as out of my house about a year ago.
He's doing much better without me. lol
He recently told me he's so glad that I finally put my foot down, (or up his a**) whichever way works best. He's working. He's in a relationship. Well,
she's older, but hey!, he needed a new mom. lol
He also has recently quit smoking pot. His words, "it's time to get my sh*t together, mom. I'm done."
It's been a long road for both of us. He's been heroin clean for 2 years.
I found soberrecovery in 2005. It saved my life and my son's. I was ready to kill'em. lol
You keep comin' back and you'll keep getting stronger and more equipped.
Big hugs, lots o' prayers, and an ear for listening when you need to talk.
A new friend,
Linda
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Old 03-18-2008, 02:30 PM
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Congratulations for your 35 days.
The last time I sent my son away from our home he was out using for about 6 weeks before he got himself arrested. He chose to be in a program that involved doing more and harder time in jail. He was more serious than I've ever seen him be about anything.
He is now coming up on two years clean time and will be getting married in a few months to a wonderful young lady. His life is slowly but surely getting back on track.

I'm very proud of you for sticking with your own program of recovery while going through all these issues with your son. You have given him a wonderful gift of being in charge of his own life, plus the gift of a mom who understands herself what recovery is all about.

I remember how I felt at the time and there were so many mixed emotions.
I hope that someday soon he will have had enough and meanwhile you can always come here to share with others who care and understand.
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Old 03-18-2008, 03:10 PM
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mtnmagic,
Good work on the 35 days, you are doing wonderful.
As for your son, you did, IMO, the right thing.

For right now, no guilt, no feeling bad, just take care of you, focus all your energy on you, you are the only one you have control over, and no one else.


Hugs,
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:24 PM
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Hey mtnmagic...Congrats on your 35 days...That's great. And congrats on sticking to your boundaries and letting your son face his own consequences. Handling all this at the same time takes strength and commitment..You are showing both!

I too would suggest trying to find some meetings...AA or Alanon or a little of both. You're a wonderful person and a good mom and you shouldn't be alone in your head with guilt and shame. Face to face support and coming here will keep you remembering to focus on you.
Hugs.
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Old 03-18-2008, 05:33 PM
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As the other parents have said,
you did the right thing. I have an AS. I had to face many of the same issues as you have. Although my journey of recovery doesn't involve being an addict, I know that Being an addict doesn't make you any more powerful or in charge of his addiction.
We have a few " double-dippers" as we call them, people who attend both AA and Al-Anon meetings. there are differences as well as similarities.
Maybe when you feel able in your own recovery you might want to try that.
In the mean time,
There are parents here who are recovering addicts like you who share your journey.
don't be uncomfortable around any of us. Everyone who visits here, is about supporting recovery. there is no judgment here, we all fight our own desire to feel responsible.
I have a thread going where people gave me some great advice for how to "talk" /respond to your addict now that he is out of your home. Its not over. He will call and until he is ready to recover he might get difficult.
Prayers to you and your son:praying
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Old 03-18-2008, 10:05 PM
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It makes me so very sad, this is my child who I know is suffering. I will not allow his addiction to abuse me anymore. I just will not. I will deal with the guilt of my own alcoholism in my own time. Giving him a pass because of my own past actions will not help this situation at all.


Wow Mtnmagic-
This is one of the most amazing and spot-on statements I have ever read.
Very powerful.
I have nothing to offer you except thanks for sharing this here and my admiration of your strength.
Sending you a big hug--
Peace,
B.
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Old 03-19-2008, 05:43 AM
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mtnmagic,

what a wonderful and loving mom - as I see it, when I allow my A daughter and my other daughters who are not A's - to deal with their own issues - I am allowing them the ability to develop their own strengths, responsibilities which helps their self-worth and self-esteem. For me, that is one of the best gifts a parent can give a child.

It doesn't make it easy on the Mom, but as I've said before dealing with this disease "ain't for sissys" it takes some BIG GIRL PANTIES and if mine get any bigger they will need their own ZIP CODE. But the love and support that we have with our friends here helps us know that we are following the correct path for us and for our loved ones.

Congrats on your sobriety - I think that is so wonderful and another special gift that you are giving to yourself, your son and to us - Thank you.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Old 03-19-2008, 06:38 AM
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Congratulations on your 35 days!!!
This may have been the hardest thing you've ever done, but it just may be the best for both of you.
I admire your strength and courage. It's hard enough to just be the mom of an adict but to be in recovery yourself, wow!
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Old 03-19-2008, 05:36 PM
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As far as your guilt, I will tell you that we all have guilt about something that we did to our addict children. Sometimes I am still overwhelmed with it. Just last night my husband asked me if there was something wrong with me since I seemed to want to take the whole guilt of my daughter's addiction on my shoulders. (I am still learning and sometimes going back to codieville to relearn my lessons). I know it hurts to break ties with our addict children but we must get ourselves healthy because we are worth it. Hugs, Marle
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