karisma

I just found this forum, and am very appreciative to everyone's postings. I have been with my AH for 9 years, married for almost 6. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. We were young when we met, and I just thought that he was being young and stupid. I rarely drink and did not grow up with alcohol in my house. So even though my husband said that he was an alcoholic, I was young and naive and really didn't know what an alcoholic was, or like to live with. I always thought that after we got married he would change, after we had kids he would grow up and put the kids first. Well we now have a 4 and 2 year old, and I have finally come to terms with the disease and am trying to understand it more. My husband is not physically abusive and does not drink daily. He can go for a few weeks or even a month if he wants to, but when he does drink he can't have a few beers. He drinks for 2 -3 days straight. He stays up all night drinking. I am sure like others we have very difficult times in our past were I was at wits end and mentally checking out of the marriage, but he always seemed to turn around and be good for a while. Now that my son is 4 he is starting to see how dad acts, and well I am unable to protect him from seeing his dad like that. He asks questions about why his dad has to drink beer, tells his dad he doesn't like it. Lately, I have been trying to make sense of everything happening. It is so confusing and I feel so helpless. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to live like this the next 30 years. I don't want my kids to grow up living with an alcoholic father, but he is an excellent dad that truly loves his children, and treats the wonderful, when he isn't drinking. When he drinks he is a happy drunk, but he is drunk! I also don't want to leave him, and then have the kids have to have separate homes. My other big fear is if I left their dad, when he had them, if he drank I would not be there to watch then and protect them. Also if he did date another girl, what sort of an influence would she make on my children. I made the choice to get married and have kids, but I want to do what is best for my children, they shouldn't have to live with any mistakes I made then or could make now. They will always come first.

I guess my question is can he change?? He says this is who he is and he isn't going to change. His dad was an alcoholic, and finally quit in his 60's. His brother is an alcoholic, and is in the process of trying to get his wife back. I don't know that I am ready to walk away yet, but I also don't know how much longer I can hold on. My biggest fears are that most alcoholics won't quite until they reach rock bottom..what will be rock bottom for him and when will that be. How much will be be put through before then, and when he hits rock bottom will he choose us or alcohol? Right now he doesn't see that he has a problem, because he doesn't drink every night, and he cleans the house, cooks dinner and takes care of all of us. Which he does and it is awesome, but it would be even more awesome if he did those things because he loved us and not so that he could use it as leverage for an excuse to drink.

Anyways, I don't have anyone to talk to and I need to try to get thoughts out. I love reading everyone's posts, it makes me feel not so alone. I have thought about going to Al non meetings, but there are non in my town, I would have to drive to another town to go, and they are at my kids' bed times. I treasure our nights together reading books.

Thank you to everyone for sharing, it helps me going through my own challenges!