Hi Alabasterbox and welcome. I, too have an AH and I know all too well how you feel. Sometimes I feel our lives were a big lie. I didn't know him at all. He is in recovery now, for the third time but his lies have destroyed our marriage. Yet, I still want him. I have not forgiven him yet, but I am trying to understand. I am trying to find a connection with him that I once had and trying start over in a new place. It is very hard to do, but I keep praying. Please don't be embarrassed. You will find the support and hope you need here on SR.