Thanks for all the welcomes!! I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I can relate so well to what everyone has said here, but it is SO refreshing that there are other people who understand what this is like. I constantly feel horrible when my boyfriend gets me to promise to not drink or even sometimes begs me not to but I still do. I think a lot of times he just doesn't think that I care enough about him or that my promises are worthless... ehh... that really starts to get to me. I feel horrible about it, but yet I keep doing it. I'm really scared that I will lose him to this. I've already caused a lot of problems in almost all the other relationships I've been in with people. It's definitely a blow to the self-esteem and unfortunately more reason to drink.
I know most the people here are dedicated to becoming sober or are actually sober, but I don't know if I can/am ready for that yet. I need to stop because I don't want to ruin my life and lose the people I love, but it seems that nothing matters in the moments the "urges" hit. In my mind, it will just be "a few drinks" or I will just get a buzz... or I'm just going to go play some drinking games like everyone else does... but what it always turns into is me having as many drinks as possible until I eventually wake up in bed or on the bathroom floor with no idea how I got there. No matter my intentions, I always end up too drunk, but yet why in the hell can't I convince myself of this?? I'm guessing this is all a part of it. Where your mind convinces you a few drinks really isn't a big deal or that people won't be that mad at you or whatever. It seems relentless until I finally give in to it and drink. It seems so freaking hopeless sometimes, but everyone here has probably gone through this and more so I guess there has to be hope.
Right now my mind still has me convinced that I NEED to be drunk, and I just don't know how to get out of this frame of mind. I'm actually scared to be sober. I'm afraid that if I don't fix this now, I'm going to lose everything and completely give in to this...
So thank you so much for the support already and I hope that I will be able to follow in everyone else's paths here...