silenttruth

Hi... Well I'm not really sure what to say on my first post. I'm only 21 but I have been having a lot of problems with my drinking for the past 3 years. I don't know if I fit in with the definition of an "alcoholic" because I'm really more of a binge drinker and don't drink everyday (yet). Every time I start drinking, I can't stop. I sneak shots and lie to other people to get more drinks (that's what I'm told). I almost always drink until I blackout. I've tried a million times to just drink "a little", but I always fail. I was drinking about 2-4 times a week in which I would just get completely plastered.

I'm to the point now that I won't even search out people to drink with... I'll just drink by myself if I have to. My boyfriend has been trying to get me to quit, but I can hardly stand going more than two weeks without it. It got to the point that I went out with some friends to eat because I knew I could drink while they ate and then I ended up going to the liqour store afterwards to buy myself some shots which I ended up taking by myself in the car.

When I've gone too long without alcohol, it really begins to take over all of my thoughts. My mind will try and think up all the different ways I could get it or excuses to tell others. I've had my boyfriend begging me not to drink, but once this idea is in my head, I almost always give in to it. I don't know how to make these urges go away or how to get my willpower back. It's miserable when it takes over my thoughts and I feel like I can't have fun without it. I feel like a horrible person because I'm becoming manipulative just so that I can get alcohol and now I've even been lying and sneaking it.

I'm not really sure what to do or if this is the right place. I don't know that I'm a full-fledged alcoholic yet or whatever since I haven't been drinking as long as probably a lot of people. I'm just really worried about where I'm headed now. I get comments from people quite often about my "drinking problem" and even some strangers know me only as "the drunk girl". It seems to be only getting worse and I'm scared that I'm going to lose my boyfriend and become someone that I will hate.

Well... hopefully someone has some thoughts on my situation or some advice on what to do when these "cravings" take over my thoughts.

Thanks.