(((Andy)))
Sorry you're going through this. I am an RA, but way, way older than your daughter. I am living at home because of the consequences of my addiction (financial and legal), but I pay rent.
I have rules here, and if I don't follow them, I'm out. They are pretty simple...pay rent (which means I have to have a job), keep in touch when I'm out, and don't use. I don't have to tell them where I am every minute, but I do tell them when I'm going out with friends, and who I'm with because I know they still worry...even though I'm a few days away from a year clean.
She will play the victim role as long as she can. It's only when we A's "fess up" to the fact that the consequences are of our own making, that we get the opportunity to learn that we can't do things our way.
As far as our curfew, I actually agree with your wife. Your daughter says she wants to do what "normal" 19-year-old's do. "Normal" 19-year-old's don't use heroin and get kicked out of rehab. That is a consequence. My friend is a 24-year-old recovering meth addict, raised by her granny (mom in prison for drugs, dad dead from drugs). She is on her own, but still very close to granny. She got really mad one night, after talking to granny, because she was going out of town and granny said "just don't do any drugs" and said "why does she have to say that?!?!"
I told her it was because we dragged our families through he!! and something we are going to have to deal with for a long, long time...maybe the rest of our lives. Our families will always worry about us going back to drugs, and that is nothing more than a consequence.
I think you've gotten good advice, and outtolunch's boundaries sound good to me. I know she's only 19, but that was old enough to get into drugs, and it's old enough to do what it takes to get into recovery. Facing my consequences has made me more determined than ever to not do anything to cause more bad consequences...maybe it will be the same for your daughter.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy