Originally Posted by
painter 
How do you stop when all you have been is a mother and a caretaker. I gave myself up when I gave birth. I put her first. Maybe a big mistake. I am a caretaker and a people pleaser. I don't know how to put myself first. If the "others" aren't happy I don't know how to be happy. It is all my fault. I have taken care of my mother in her old age and now husband with both legs amputated. I want something for myself but I don't know how to go about doing it.
Painter, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how it feels to have your life so wrapped around one thing -- in your case motherhood -- to the exclusion of everything else that makes life joyful. And when that one thing goes wrong, as with your addicted daughter, there is nothing left to bring you joy. It is like growing only one kind of flower, or one type of vegetable. If some blight comes in and targets that flower or that plant, you've lost the whole garden, and not just part of it.
What do you do? I had to go back and find what I used to love. Before I got so completely immersed in my One Thing. I loved exploring. I loved painting. I loved writing and helping animals and taking classes in cool and interesting subjects. I bought a journal and started writing in it....just my thoughts, what hurt that day, what I might want to do that day. I took a cassette version of Martha Beck's book
The Joy Diet: Ten Daily Practices for a Happier Life out of the library, and followed the tiny, tiny steps she outlined.
There's a therapist out there who recommends that the way to make a change in our lives is to Do One Thing Differently. Choose one small thing, one thing that used to make your heart melt with pleasure BEFORE motherhood, and revisit it. You may want to talk to a coach or a counselor about how to find these long-buried passions and interests. Barbara Sher is a good person to read - she's wonderful (Google her...she has a web site) These things are buried treasures that will start helping to build other areas of joy in your life, while you practice loving detachment from your daughter and pray for her safety.
I understand that you will feel resistance to this (I've been there). I understand that you feel it is noble to only focus on caring for others --- but respectfully, I don't think it is noble to deny yourself joy and passion for the things YOU love. Taking tender care of YOU makes you stronger, freer, calmer. You can continue to care for the people in your life tenderly, but you start caring for yourself tenderly as well.
Wishing you the best -- hang in there