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Old 03-03-2008, 07:13 PM
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pain

Wondering? When will the pain stop? The sick stomack? The heart palpations? The sleepless nites? The worrying? The wondering? THE DRUG ADDICTION? I can't take much more. My thoughts are killing me. The wondering where she and the grandbabies are. I pray all day for God to give me peace. But this human mind can not seem to let go. I want someone to stop this madness, I know that it will not happen. I feel so hopeless and sick. Not sure how much more I can stand. I want to scream, cry and die. I am losing control and I can't seem to pull myself together for more than a few hours. I know no one can help, but just had to vent. My mind and body hurts so much. I want out. I want my daughter back and know that the kids are O.K. I want peace in my life again.
Sorry, I am so pitiful.
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Old 03-03-2008, 07:21 PM
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:praying Hang on! Please hang on! You are not alone!
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Old 03-03-2008, 07:27 PM
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((((Painter)))))
You aren't pitiful and you aren't alone. You're a mom who loves her daughter and grandkids. It's so contrary to all we know as moms that we can't stop our kids pain...They have to do that themselves. But you can start to heal...you really can. Walk with us here, we understand your pain...We have lived it or are still living it. But we've learned by supporting each other, working on our own recovery and for many (including me) going to Naranon or Alanon meetings for the incredible face to face support, that we can start to heal and stop hurting so terribly even when our loved ones continue to use. It isn't perfect, but it is so much better than that horrible, gut wrenching pain.

Perhaps in your prayers you can asked God to hold your daughter and grandchildren close. I know he is, but for me, thinking about that, praying and imagining his arms wrapped protectively around my child, brought me some comfort.

I'm so sorry you are going through this...Addiction is a horrible family illness. But unfortunately all our pain, all our love, and all our worrying can not fix it. There is hope...for the addicts and for us. Will you stay around for awhile and read and post? Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
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Old 03-03-2008, 07:29 PM
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(((Painter)))
I'm so sorry for your pain, I can hear your heart hurting. This addiction stuff stinks, especially when children are involved.

I have faith your daughter and the children are in good hands.
I sure wish there was something I could do to ease your hurting.



Hugs, and prayers
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Old 03-03-2008, 08:56 PM
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((((Awww Painter))))
I know how much it hurts and how sick it makes us when all we can do is wait and wait and wait for something good to happen. There were days that I would tell God that I am so worn out, please God let something good happen for me today. Even if it is a small thing, just something good. Somedays my prayers were answered and somedays they weren't.

It makes it doubly hard when you also have the grandbabies to worry about. Sometimes no news is good news. Please stay positive....if anything was wrong, you would know.
Come and vent anytime you need to. You are not pitiful. It's okay, you are a mom and no one told us how we are supposed to be when we are in this situation. Your spirit has been crushed. But you know Painter, at some point our built in survival techniques take over and carry us through these times that are unbearable.

I can remember walking away from my daughter and leaving her 3000 miles away from home after brain surgery. Her abf at the time pushed her out of a moving car and she was taken into surgery and he was taken to jail. I flew out to be with her and found that she was heavy in addiction and she gave me no choice but to leave her because she didn't want to come home with me. I left her with her head stapled together, soon to be homeless and she didn't have anyone but the abf in jail. I bought her a coat, groceries and a phone and flew away. I cried for 7 hours on the plane. She did become homeless, sold her phone for drugs, her groceries ran out. She ended up in jail and I didn't bail her out. A few months later she did come home. All 95 pounds of her. She was a total mess. I lived through unbearable pain. But I did live through it.

Today she is in recovery and doing very well. She is beautiful and I am proud. She pulled herself up out of the bottom.

One day your AD will find her way. You have to stay healthy so you can be there for her when she comes back to you. I am praying for God to give you that little bit of something good. He knows that you need that to lift your spirits and I have faith that it will come to you. Please know that I care, bless you heart and don't lose faith.

Hugs.............Lo
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Old 03-03-2008, 09:05 PM
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((painter))

I hear the pain in your voice. I wish I had the words to help it go away. I can't imagine the agony that you feel as a parent. I can send my prayers.

Hugs
B
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Old 03-03-2008, 09:21 PM
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this is a sticky in the F&F of alcoholics..........thought you may want to read it.............

I have asked myself the same question so many times.......this really hit home for me


Are you wondering when the pain stops?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
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Old 03-03-2008, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
this is a sticky in the F&F of alcoholics..........thought you may want to read it.............

I have asked myself the same question so many times.......this really hit home for me


Are you wondering when the pain stops?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
That is amazing!!!!!!! We can get there ... we can!
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:57 AM
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keeping you and your AD close in my prayers,
susan
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Old 03-04-2008, 07:05 AM
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Painter,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Like Greet said, meetings are a great help. I had to decide to help myself and go. I really resisted at first, but now, five years later, I am SO GLAD I took that first step. The support and friendship I've gain through those meetings have been livesavers!

I also read and posted a lot on this board. There are very wise women and men here who have a lot of experience with recovery. I read what they wrote. I watched how they handled their lives. And they were doing so much than I was. I decided I wanted what they had, so I tried to do some of what their recovery modeled. And slowly but surely, I began to feel better, act better, see life with different and more positive eyes.

This thing of addiction hurts. And we have to feel those feelings. But we don't have to stay there. We can go forward and have a better, more fulfilling life. But WE have to chose to go after it.

Hugs and prayers cause I know how hard this is,
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Old 03-04-2008, 03:18 PM
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How do you stop when all you have been is a mother and a caretaker. I gave myself up when I gave birth. I put her first. Maybe a big mistake. I am a caretaker and a people pleaser. I don't know how to put myself first. If the "others" aren't happy I don't know how to be happy. It is all my fault. I have taken care of my mother in her old age and now husband with both legs amputated. I want something for myself but I don't know how to go about doing it.
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Old 03-04-2008, 04:04 PM
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Hi there sweetie,
I been there hon!!! Wondering, praying, hurting, crying, panic attacks...Let me tell you what helps me.
I wake up and pray...go to bed and pray....Hey I just pray a lot! I thank God for all he has done for my son and me!!! I put it in God's hands. Everytime I start to think about it...I ask God to help and do something to keep myself busy....We just have to put our Faith in Gods hands!
I prayed so hard for my son, he went to rehab and now he is home. 84 days clean and I pray everyday that God will take care of him and give him strength to get through this.

It's hard, but be strong!! Keep yourself busy! You are not helping matters by getting yourself sick like that! I know it's hard, but you can do it:ghug

I give all the credit to GOD for my sons recovery in progress!! Prayer, Faith, Love, and People who are on this site will help you get through it.

God Bless you sweetie and my prayers are with you!!
Machele
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Old 03-05-2008, 11:52 AM
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(((((Painter)))))
How are you doing today, hon?
Sorry I am a little late to this post...I am another mom of an addicted child here....I suffered in the way you are for a long time...This board has been my recovery from co-dependency...my child is still addicted but I am no longer insane with pain....I have learned to recognize what I can do regarding my child's choices and what I cannot and leave the rest....Letting go was a painful but necessary process for myself and my child because I was in her way and I was powerless anyway.... So I had no choice really ...go completely insane or as they say......let go or be dragged......
please keep postng and talking about this with us and read all the stickies and stuff and pm me whenever.....hugs, Grateful
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Old 03-05-2008, 02:29 PM
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Just sending some hugs. I understand the pain. Take care of you and like the others said, pray. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-05-2008, 02:59 PM
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You are not pitiful, and I am sorry that you are in pain.

I am the mother of an AS and a RAD (60 days sober), just for today.
I have no answers, just some warm mom hugs for you.

Colleen
:ghug
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by painter View Post
How do you stop when all you have been is a mother and a caretaker. I gave myself up when I gave birth. I put her first. Maybe a big mistake. I am a caretaker and a people pleaser. I don't know how to put myself first. If the "others" aren't happy I don't know how to be happy. It is all my fault. I have taken care of my mother in her old age and now husband with both legs amputated. I want something for myself but I don't know how to go about doing it.
Painter, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how it feels to have your life so wrapped around one thing -- in your case motherhood -- to the exclusion of everything else that makes life joyful. And when that one thing goes wrong, as with your addicted daughter, there is nothing left to bring you joy. It is like growing only one kind of flower, or one type of vegetable. If some blight comes in and targets that flower or that plant, you've lost the whole garden, and not just part of it.

What do you do? I had to go back and find what I used to love. Before I got so completely immersed in my One Thing. I loved exploring. I loved painting. I loved writing and helping animals and taking classes in cool and interesting subjects. I bought a journal and started writing in it....just my thoughts, what hurt that day, what I might want to do that day. I took a cassette version of Martha Beck's book The Joy Diet: Ten Daily Practices for a Happier Life out of the library, and followed the tiny, tiny steps she outlined.

There's a therapist out there who recommends that the way to make a change in our lives is to Do One Thing Differently. Choose one small thing, one thing that used to make your heart melt with pleasure BEFORE motherhood, and revisit it. You may want to talk to a coach or a counselor about how to find these long-buried passions and interests. Barbara Sher is a good person to read - she's wonderful (Google her...she has a web site) These things are buried treasures that will start helping to build other areas of joy in your life, while you practice loving detachment from your daughter and pray for her safety.

I understand that you will feel resistance to this (I've been there). I understand that you feel it is noble to only focus on caring for others --- but respectfully, I don't think it is noble to deny yourself joy and passion for the things YOU love. Taking tender care of YOU makes you stronger, freer, calmer. You can continue to care for the people in your life tenderly, but you start caring for yourself tenderly as well.

Wishing you the best -- hang in there
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:15 AM
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Prayed for you last night...Hope your doing ok today.
God Bless,
Machele
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:37 AM
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I have been in the same boat these past few weeks. I think, "a few hours" of relief is pretty good, and I enjoy those few hours when I get them. I know the answer is trust God, have hope & faith, and take care of me. but I have just lately accepted that this doesn't stop the pain. The 'sticky' the pain stops when... seems good for spouses but not so good for moms, IMO. My relationship with my daugher has nothing to do with 'deserving better' or who I make love to. And she is irreplaceable. I can't go online and find a healthier daughter through a dating service. If I get to a better place with this, I will let you know. Truthfully, I don't know how so many of the moms on this forum do it. I have come to a place of acceptance today that I will be kinda nuts and i will feel pain for the time being, especially when I get some bad news about my kid. I strive to be less nuts one day at a time. I do the best I can. I take care of my responsibilities and i call my friends and I pray. I still hurt.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:54 AM
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Grateful, GiveLove, Sleepy, Painter, Hangin, Marle, and all moms of addicts---

Thank you for all your posts. Your words give me some peace in my anxiety and your wisdom some guidance. I am here today too, deep in the pain of being the mother of an A. Mine is still in my home and I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. I have walked this path with my exAH, and I know all the rules--detach, don't enable, yadayada. I can't seem to get it with my son yet. I suppose the pain isn't enough. I wish I could avoid it all today. I read and read each day and so admire your encouragement, ladies. It's so very helpful when, on a bad day you can be our cheerleaders, and on a good day, we can be yours. I haven't yet tried any face-to-face meetings, but am considering it. I am just so sad that the path my son has taken is going to lead down, down, down. Not feeling very strong today (home sick from work) and just feel like moving away, changing my phone number, and escaping to a commune.
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Old 03-06-2008, 06:58 AM
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One thing I've learned is recovery does not equal no pain. We are humans and we are going to hurt.

Recovery does show me that I can make choices about my life. I can change the way I think about things, looks at things, handle things. I can choose to dwell on everything that is wrong (and, boy, was I the expert at that)and stay in the pain, or I can dwell on the blessings of my life.

Recovery has taught me about faith which, by the way, I thought I had before all this mess came into my life. I have come to realize that my HP does have the plan for my life and for my AD's life. My faith and Christian beliefs teach me that my HP's ways are not my ways. Do I like that all the time? Of course not, especially when I see my loved ones hurting and making terrible decisions. But my HP has shown me that He CAN work good through some of these horrible choices. My AD's life and choices are proof of that. What looked awful to me, God used for good.

Our addicted loved one's lives can look awful to us. But we just cannot see the big plan. I HAVE to trust my HP while getting the focus back on ME. I have to work my program and let my AD and her HP work her's.

Mr. Hangin' and I were talking last night about life and what we are going through. He said something very good. Said, "You know, it doesn't cost anymore to be optimistic." Pretty smart statement. I'm going to try and choose the optimistic view today...about MY life. After all, recovery is about putting the focus on me and taking steps to make it better.

Hugs and prayers, Painter.

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