I just want to say you are me. I relate to everything you said 100%. Misanthropes Welcome!
How do you recover when you hate the world and the people in it? I have been asking myself this question for years. Oh MOM! You got sober! That is just DANDY! HA!
Bitter...yes bitter.
No one does anything without a payoff, right?
This hateful angry attitude saved my life on many occasions...really helped through school and my teen years...served me well. Fist fights and rage....I was a scary B****H! Period. Girl/Guy...it didn't matter. It didn't even matter if I lost the fight...verbal or physical...I just liked the opportunity to hit someone at least once. Hey....I had to wrestle with my drunk abusive father just to pass through the living room to go to bed when I came home at night. And guess what? I always made it to my room....I wasn't going to tolerate what mom tolerated. I wasn't going to get slapped around....I pitied the fool that tried....
So you are preaching to the choir about touchey feeley mumbo jumbo....
So how does this B***H recover?
Simple. You hit bottom. Have you hit bottom? (rhetorical)
I hit bottom. My HP has a sense of humor. He sent me a fantastic boyfriend who is now my husband. How much fun do you think it is to be married to me? LOADS...
I have a beautiful son. I can remember thinking...I don't know HOW to be a "mom". I am not capable of being a "mom". My HP created a mom out of me. That was progress.
Relationships were/are disasters for me. I was away from any program for 2yrs recently. Life became "unmanageable" again.....
I hit bottom....now I am looking for answers....I became willing...
A person in aa or alanon might ask you, "So how is what you are doing working for you?".
My answer was that it wasn't.
Guess what? When it came to peace, joy, serenity...enjoying my life...I had zero.
I found it was time to take some suggestions from people JUST LIKE ME in recovery. I found out I needed to learn a different way of life. I "became willing". Life has a way of "tenderizing" tough steak like me.
I got sick and tired of fighting my recovery. My "truth" is still waiting for me in the morning, anyway.
Glad you are here....but I know you if I know me...you'll do it when you are ready.
Look forward to seeing you around.
Al-anon slogan: Keep coming back...it WORKS *IF YOU* WORK it.