Hi Pax,
Your post has really intrigued me. I’ve been thinking and thinking about what to say to encourage you to find the right way to getting where you want to be in your life. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and deceased father, married and divorced an alcoholic husband, have a recovering brother, and am now watching my son going through alcohol and drug addictions. That’s my background.
I also have a pretty strong, independent mother, sister, daughter, and best friend, and I consider myself pretty fierce when I have to be. I’m proud of my survival also, like you, but I’m quite sure I have issues with relationships, so I have not even tried to date since my divorce. I think I am fairly intelligent and can tell you are too.
When I first discovered the term “codependent” I was stunned to see I fit all the symptoms, and that I was considered as sick as the alcoholic in my thought-processes and my survival modes. I was, however, in a severe state of depression at the time, so knowing there was a reason for my numbness and sadness did help. Before the numbness-sadness-depression, I had been very angry at all the alcoholics in my life. I like the anger approach because it’s empowering at the time and does help you to survive incredible odds. Left unchecked, though, I think anger turns to depression and misery if you don’t learn more about how to deal with the ups and downs of life.
One symptom that I think I share with addicts is that I have all the answers myself. That I am “different” from other individuals who have dealt with alcoholism in their lives. My age (now 50! Yikes!) and life experiences have led me right back to where I was in my 20’s, alone and a little mistrustful of relationships. They have also helped to teach me that I am not so different, that I can learn from others, that THEIR experiences have taught them lessons that I should listen to because in the end, we are pretty much cookie-cutter versions of each other in this ACOA existence.
I read a lot about emotional health. I understand that negative emotions of fear, shame, envy and anger do not allow me to grow in my journey of life. Keeping myself away from toxic people, family or friends, is a given. I understand that finding simple joys, laughter, and loving moments with friends and family are the rewards to being emotionally happy and feeling like life is good. It is one thing to “know” the truths, but to maintain them and make them my strengths is difficult. I can easily slip into the negative feelings and project too far into the future with doomsday-type scenarios. Keeping the joy is easier if I take life day-to-day.
I work with kids. Their spontaneity is hysterical. Their ease with laughter, joy and love is infectious. Their innocence is beautiful. I am their role model when it comes to my “job.” But their positive, shining, hopeful, live-for-the-moment attitudes teach me something new every day as well. I encourage anyone with intelligence and a specialty to find a way to share their knowledge with youth. It’s a win-win situation for the adult and the children. And it keeps you more in the moment, rather than in the projecting and worrying thoughts.
I have read here that finding someone whom you admire, whose emotional health you wish you had, is a great way to survival and peace. I do this with my relationships, and it has helped me to come a long way. I take from them what I like, and leave the parts I don’t admire to them. I freely give myself spoiling and nurturing moments each day, and allow myself to find simple joys. A while back, I forced myself to reach out more to my co-workers for friendships, and the response was mutual. Healthy people love to create new friendships. Change and keeping your mind open to new experiences is all part of living the good life. Trying something that would make you more knowledgeable about yourself and others is growth. Fear of change is like anger. It keeps you right where you are and does not allow you to become the person you are meant to evolve to. The lessons of life along this journey are the best teachers, good and bad.
No one wants to dwell in self-pity or sadness. It hurts. It seems weak and wimpy. It does not allow growth and moving forward to a happier, healthier you. But it is something you MUST go through to get to that other side. I have learned that it is not a step you can skip. When you do allow yourself to mourn your losses and grieve through them appropriately, you make it to the other side with valuable life-lessons learned and more peace and serenity in your heart. I know, it sounds very nambie-pambie and touchy-feely, but in truth, it is the key to being a happier you. Acknowledging that those who should have held you close with unconditional love didn’t do their job right is healthy. Teaching yourself how to do the job right (by loving and nurturing yourself) is a step on the path to being a healthier you. You can find the tools to do this, be it through reading, going to groups like ACOA, or in therapy—whatever you are comfortable with at the moment. But you do need to start. You will be so glad you did. I know this is all over the place and is not really definitive, but I felt a need to reach out and tell you I admire your strength and determination, but don’t want you to miss the experience of self-love and self-care either.