All I can do is look back at what I wished I had done ... even though I know I wouldn't have changed a thing because I was so desperately in love with the memories of 4 amazing years with my soul mate and best friend and our hopes and dreams for our future.
About 20 months ago I discovered my boyfriend was using heroin and crack. He is 44 and has used drugs off and on for over 30 years. I was his "rock." His reason to stay sober. The last 18 months we spent together were hell ... lies, stealing, syringes and crack pipes hidden everywhere. Totalled vehicles, missing money and posessions. Kick dope, home detox, withdrawal, one week clean, high again, suboxen, sick, pain, trips to the ER, can't work, need to medicate, city detox, can't stand it ... got to come home and detox, got to go on vacation and detox, get away from the dope ... endless cycle.
This nearly bankrupted me financially and emotionally. I sacrificed everything for him until there was nothing left to give or to be stolen from me. Then, finally, I told him to leave. It took a tremendous amount of strength gathered after months of extreme desperation for me to put the ball entirely in his court. He could find a way to get better on his own or continue to fall. By providing him with food and a place to heal when he was dope sick, I was only prolonging the hell for both of us.
Unfortunately, he chose to continue to get high and he got caught for burglary and now he sits in jail.
I wish I had stopped giving him money sooner. The excuses always sounded good, but now the dope man drives a new car instead of me.
What I didn't give him, he stole from me. I wish I had not shared my house with an active addict. He was good .. thousands of dollars of tools and valuables disappeared without me even suspecting it.
I wish that I hadn't believed that if he "just smoked pot," it would help him stay away from "harder" drugs.
I wish I had focused on me and thought about boundaries. Meaning ... if you can't behave in "x" manner, then you will not be allowed around my children and I.
I wish I would have enforced the boundaries and consequences I did threaten with, instead of letting my heart cloud my logic and believe the excuse of the day.
I guess this is my long way of saying I wished I had put his sobriety entirely in his court from the start. I don't think holding his hand made it any better and may have made it worse, for both of us.
Each person must choose their own path. Welcome. You will find much wisdom and support here. This forum has been my life line. I had to get to the point where staying with my addict was more painful than letting him go.
Above all, take care of yourself. You will discover the "right" path for you.