Help me!

Old 03-03-2008, 03:29 PM
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Help me!

I am so happy to have found this forum. Hopefully someone can offer some advice.

My boyfriend has a drug problem and refuses to get professional help. He overdosed on heroin about 2 years ago and since then I have 'caught' him doing drugs every few months. Each time he promises that he will never do it again and says how sorry he is. I have caught him doing opiates, xanax, and coke. Last time I confronted him he told me that he has a drug problem because he feels like he needs to use to feel happy, but he insists he only uses every 3 weeks or so.

He is very depressed. Lately he has been missing ALOT of work. He has been working 6-18 hours a week instead of 40. He has decided to go down to part time and his company really wants to keep him and told him to make his own schedule. He sleeps a lot. He will sleep through an entire weekend sometimes. He doesn't have fun anymore and is very irritable all the time. He takes things out on me and is mean pretty often. I say he acts like a zombie because he will sit just and stare ahead and won't talk or respond to me. He never wants to have sex anymore, and every time we do have sex it seems like a chore to him. He has only orgasmed once in the past 5-6 months.

He told me he wants me to help him but he won't see a therapist. He said I can drug test him and make sure he isn't using, but he gets angry whenever I try to drug test him. He will occasionally take back the things he said about having a drug problem and say that I put words into his mouth and that he doesn't have a problem.

This has gotten way out of hand and I really need some help. What should I do?
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Old 03-03-2008, 04:13 PM
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Take care of you.

Read the stickies and welcome to SR. There is a wealth of information and so many caring people here.
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Old 03-03-2008, 04:13 PM
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All I can do is look back at what I wished I had done ... even though I know I wouldn't have changed a thing because I was so desperately in love with the memories of 4 amazing years with my soul mate and best friend and our hopes and dreams for our future.

About 20 months ago I discovered my boyfriend was using heroin and crack. He is 44 and has used drugs off and on for over 30 years. I was his "rock." His reason to stay sober. The last 18 months we spent together were hell ... lies, stealing, syringes and crack pipes hidden everywhere. Totalled vehicles, missing money and posessions. Kick dope, home detox, withdrawal, one week clean, high again, suboxen, sick, pain, trips to the ER, can't work, need to medicate, city detox, can't stand it ... got to come home and detox, got to go on vacation and detox, get away from the dope ... endless cycle.

This nearly bankrupted me financially and emotionally. I sacrificed everything for him until there was nothing left to give or to be stolen from me. Then, finally, I told him to leave. It took a tremendous amount of strength gathered after months of extreme desperation for me to put the ball entirely in his court. He could find a way to get better on his own or continue to fall. By providing him with food and a place to heal when he was dope sick, I was only prolonging the hell for both of us.

Unfortunately, he chose to continue to get high and he got caught for burglary and now he sits in jail.

I wish I had stopped giving him money sooner. The excuses always sounded good, but now the dope man drives a new car instead of me.

What I didn't give him, he stole from me. I wish I had not shared my house with an active addict. He was good .. thousands of dollars of tools and valuables disappeared without me even suspecting it.

I wish that I hadn't believed that if he "just smoked pot," it would help him stay away from "harder" drugs.

I wish I had focused on me and thought about boundaries. Meaning ... if you can't behave in "x" manner, then you will not be allowed around my children and I.

I wish I would have enforced the boundaries and consequences I did threaten with, instead of letting my heart cloud my logic and believe the excuse of the day.

I guess this is my long way of saying I wished I had put his sobriety entirely in his court from the start. I don't think holding his hand made it any better and may have made it worse, for both of us.

Each person must choose their own path. Welcome. You will find much wisdom and support here. This forum has been my life line. I had to get to the point where staying with my addict was more painful than letting him go.

Above all, take care of yourself. You will discover the "right" path for you.
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Old 03-03-2008, 05:01 PM
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Welcome to SR. Keep reading, it really helps. And to repeat what has been said already, and will be said again... Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:41 PM
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Thank you all for your support and advice. I feel very comfortable already and I think it is really going to help me deal with this.
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:14 AM
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I too wish I had know what I know now. Many people gave me advice regarding my AS but I would not listen. In four years he has spiralled down hill. Weve been through the rehabs, the NA meetings, drug testing and all for what. He stole credit cards, money from our accounts, numerous lies the list goes on. In the beginning I though my addict was different, he is no different from any other addict. The moodiness, sleeping all day, excuses, all signs of the drug abuse. The addiction only escalates until the addict is ready to get help. It is so hard to watch them destroy thereselves its heartbreaking, but what happens is it will destroy you too.
You have got to take care of your self, naranon meetings and this board are a great help. Im still learning to detach. When we love someone it is terribly painful. As for drug testing him been there of course he will get angry 99.9 he has probably used. Even when I took my son to a drug testing clinic he was taking in some one elses urine. They are extrememly clever. Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:39 AM
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Wow, the "just smoked pot" comment really hit home. I don't want to ask him to stop smoking pot because "at least it's not heroin or crack".

worried4, I am struggling with what to do right there with you.

It just dawned on me that my a is probably using (something hard). I have been thinking that he wasn't because 1)he doesn't have any money and 2) I haven't found anything (crack/dope). Several times I thought his eyes looked funny, but when I ask him about it, he just says "how would I get it? you think they just give drugs away?". I haven't noticed anything missing, but . . . ???

anyway, i didn't mean to get into all that. I just wanted to say that we are here for you. keep reading and posting.
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:46 AM
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This may be as good as it gets. Are you prepared to settle for that the rest of your life?

You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

The drugs were only a symptom for me. I had underlying issues that drove me to use, and until I addressed those issues in an active program of recovery, I was never going to get better.

Educate yourself on addiction, and get help for yourself for the effects his addiction has had on you.
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Old 03-05-2008, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by biocat View Post
Several times I thought his eyes looked funny, but when I ask him about it, he just says "how would I get it? you think they just give drugs away?".
They always find a way. My AH's secret talent is turning nothing (which is what is in his wallet) into something that gets him high.
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Old 03-06-2008, 02:37 AM
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Addiction is a progressive disease and without help and sobriety it just isn't going to get any better. Living the life you are living has to be emotionally and physically exhausting and it's good that you are reaching out for help.

Welcome to SR, please know you are among friends here who truly understand.

Hugs
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Old 03-06-2008, 04:31 AM
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Hey Worried4,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this forum, also. There are lots of wise people here, people who are working a recovery program for themselves in order to deal with the addicted person in their life.

The help I receive from this board comes from reading and posting and listening to the wise people who have gone before me. I watch those who look like they have some peace in their lives and see what they are doing. And then I try to practice whatever I think would work in my life regarding what they have tried or done. No one around here can really tell you what to do. But we do share our experience, strength and hope.

I added meetings to my life. I go to Al Anon twice a week (that's all that is offered in my small town). Those meetings have helped me tremendously because there are people in there, just like on this board, who I can relate to and learn from. Face to face meetings are a great source of support, so maybe you could try to find one in your area.

Keep coming around and posting. There is a better way to live in all of this.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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