yeah, i guess i'm really just shocked at how well i've done this week. i can't believe that i haven't missed him, haven't wondered what he is doing and that i have been soo happy.
when he called me my thought was not him at all, my new natural instinct was to protect myself and my need to be left alone at all costs (i still feel that way). it has really been eye opening to me that i AM okay without him. i'm sure that it may be much harder when it is a more permanent thing, and when ah is right here in town, and if i was the one out of my comfort zone in a different place, without all my familiar things.
how could it be that it is not him at all that is holding me back and keeping me in the spot that i am? how can it be that i have no feelings for him at all and don't miss him? how can i not want anything to do with him? that i just want him to stay away and not care? i guess that's what i'm trying to understand. obviously, it is other things than him since him being gone has not hurt me at all, but him coming back does???
i have to admit that i've never put my feelings and myself first. it is so foreign to me. normally, everything would depend on him or others in my life? i've never put my needs first. i guess i don't know how to react. i'm a crab out of my shell. i feel lost and scared that i will jeapordized when he comes home.
but, now that i fear it's coming to an end my stomach is all in knots and i'm soo stressed and worked up thinking about him coming home and he's not even supposed to come home to tomorrow. i want to cry. i want to scream
i just so desperately want more time to myself to clear my head.