panicking/anxiety attack of ah coming home

Old 03-03-2008, 10:02 AM
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panicking/anxiety attack of ah coming home

today is not a good day. I FREAKING OUT -over the fact that ah is supposed to be coming home tomorrow. i don't know what time or anything.

i haven't felt like this in a long time. my hands are literally shaking!!!

i don't want him to come home. i want more time. i have so much fear. i am afraid i will get sucked back in.

i have been so happy this week. i could breathe. i could relax. i slept all night long. i can't even remember the last time i did that.

i've learned a lot this week. i thought i would miss ah and it would be hard. it wasn't. i didn't miss him and i was fine. i didn't have the urge to call and talk to him. i didn't wonder at all what he was doing. he called me three times. i just told him that i really wanted the time to myself. he said "have fun" i said ok bye.

so, what's holding me back? i honestly think it is just the house at this point. i love it and feel comfortable and secure there. i don't want to leave it. i'm afraid that if i had to move into an unfamiliar place i won't have the strength to do it.

i'm so scared i won't be strong when ah comes back.

i don't want to have to go throught he withdrawel again.....i wish this could just be a clean break right now and i wouldn't have to see him.

help!!!
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Old 03-03-2008, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i don't want him to come home. i want more time. i have so much fear. i am afraid i will get sucked back in.
So this is the life you have with him.

Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i have been so happy this week. i could breathe. i could relax. i slept all night long. i can't even remember the last time i did that.
And this is the life you have without him.

Yet, you fear leaving him. Something to ponder?

L
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Old 03-03-2008, 10:17 AM
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(((Hope))) I'm so glad you had a week to yourself, sounds like it's exactly what you needed.

I know for me, i couldn't put a price tag on having sanity and clarity again. I think you could probably feel comfortable if not more comfortable in your own place. You could do it based on the week you just experienced.

Take deep breathes, it's going to be ok :ghug3
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Old 03-03-2008, 10:18 AM
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I think if you listen to what your body is telling you , you know what you have to do to gain the life you want for yourself.
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:31 AM
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yeah, i guess i'm really just shocked at how well i've done this week. i can't believe that i haven't missed him, haven't wondered what he is doing and that i have been soo happy.
when he called me my thought was not him at all, my new natural instinct was to protect myself and my need to be left alone at all costs (i still feel that way). it has really been eye opening to me that i AM okay without him. i'm sure that it may be much harder when it is a more permanent thing, and when ah is right here in town, and if i was the one out of my comfort zone in a different place, without all my familiar things.

how could it be that it is not him at all that is holding me back and keeping me in the spot that i am? how can it be that i have no feelings for him at all and don't miss him? how can i not want anything to do with him? that i just want him to stay away and not care? i guess that's what i'm trying to understand. obviously, it is other things than him since him being gone has not hurt me at all, but him coming back does???

i have to admit that i've never put my feelings and myself first. it is so foreign to me. normally, everything would depend on him or others in my life? i've never put my needs first. i guess i don't know how to react. i'm a crab out of my shell. i feel lost and scared that i will jeapordized when he comes home.

but, now that i fear it's coming to an end my stomach is all in knots and i'm soo stressed and worked up thinking about him coming home and he's not even supposed to come home to tomorrow. i want to cry. i want to scream

i just so desperately want more time to myself to clear my head.
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:39 AM
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Your head will not clear as long as you continue to give him so much power over you. You are the only one who can give yourself time, space, familiar things, a home to live in, whatever. You create hopeangel's world, not him. Once you realize that, you will be free.

L
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:46 AM
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"i have to admit that i've never put my feelings and myself first. it is so foreign to me. normally, everything would depend on him or others in my life? i've never put my needs first. i guess i don't know how to react. i'm a crab out of my shell."

this is all new to me that i create my own world and that its all about me. i just don't know how to handle that. it's very overwelmeing.

like i said i'm just shocked by the enlightenment this week has brought.
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:49 AM
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Do you have a therapist? Mine helped me so much with this stuff, I practically owe her my life, lol.

L
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:56 AM
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yes, but i am thinking that i might need to go to a new one. i just don't think the one i'm going to is helping me as much as she could be. she doens't offer much and pretty much just listens. i told her that i want this resolved by summer. i want to be UNSTUCK! i can't imagine going through another summer like this. she said i have a goal then.

i used to go to another one a long while back when i first met ah -funny i went to her because i felt like my insecurities would push him away and i would lose him. i told her the situation then and looking back she was right on. i told her about the drinking and the band and she kept asking me "is this the kind of life you want?" "can you live life with him and accept all of this" "you have to decide if this is really what you want and if its acceptable to you"-lol- gee, if i would have listened and stuck with her all those years ago. amazing that she pretty much knew already that there would be problems.

again, my codie ways, i keep going to the same therapist because i don't know how to tell her that i want to stop going to her and go to someone else. plus, she knows my situation and i'd have to start over with another.

you know, my brother told me yesterday "your problem (and it's been my whole life, not just now) is that you don't know how to pull the trigger on anything." he is soo right.
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Old 03-03-2008, 11:59 AM
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Maybe changing therapists would be a good baby step towards starting to do what's right for you--in all things.

L
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:02 PM
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oh let me give you another good codie excuse for not changing therapist - it is the same therapist that ah and i were going to for marriage counseling and individual before he quit and part of me thinks that if i quit, i will be quitting too, and that then ah will not go back to her for therapy or he'll have an excuse too. like i am giving up then -lol-

thought u could use the laugh latee, oh, and i think you might be right, it just might be the fresh start i need to get moving. i remember when we started with this therapist telling us that it would not take that long to come to a resolution whatever it is, well it's been over two years i believe
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i remember when we started with this therapist telling us that it would not take that long to come to a resolution whatever it is, well it's been over two years i believe
I remember thinking when you first came to SR it wouldn't take long for you to make some kind of change, whatever it may be.

It's not up to me, or your therapist. It's up to YOU. SR is great support. Therapists are great support. But only YOU can take back the power over your own life.

L
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:25 PM
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thanks lateeda, i'm strong in a lot of ways...not soo strong in others

your right, my head knows, i'm only as stuck as i make myself.

another thing that has been holding me back is that i haven't told me one brother about any of this and for some reason i struggle with telling him that i'm having problems in my marriage. he's the one with the kids and i'm just afraid of what his impression will be or the affect it will have on the kids or my relationship with them.

i don't know why this is so difficult for me? i've told the rest of the family and they know.

i don't know why i struggle so much with this one brother? why i can't admit failure to him as you said? i really have to look at the dynamics in that.
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Old 03-03-2008, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
so, what's holding me back? i honestly think it is just the house at this point. i love it and feel comfortable and secure there. i don't want to leave it.
I can relate to the above Hopeangel. Any chance that you could stay in the house that you love, and he can go elsewhere?

Shivaya
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Old 03-03-2008, 02:51 PM
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One thing I've learned about myself is I can use just about any excuse to justify my actions, or lack of. I doubt it's about the house. I used my kids as my excuse to stay. It wasn't about them either. It was about me and my fears. Until the pain of staying outweighs the fear of change, there will be no change.

JMHO,
L

P.S. There are two ways to get to that point. Work on overcoming the fear, or stick around for more pain.
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Old 03-03-2008, 06:03 PM
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P.S. There are two ways to get to that point. Work on overcoming the fear, or stick around for more pain.

very good point
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Old 03-03-2008, 06:58 PM
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I hated leaving my townhouse. It was my first home and I'd fixed it up just to my liking. It really felt like home. But then I moved into my new home--a single family home about 20 miles away (resulting in a much longer commute). Within a few days, I fell in love with it, too.

A house is just a house. It's me who makes it a sanctuary. And since everywhere I go, there I am, every house I live in is a home and perfect for me.

A new life is waiting for you. All you have to do is take the first step. You can do this.
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Old 03-08-2008, 01:47 PM
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Hopeangel,
The brother you are sooo worried about will just be happy he is coming in on the tail end of it, and that his sister, who was miserable is now going to be happy, I guarantee that, if, and it's a big if, he does'nt aready know something is very wrong. As far as his children, they deserve a happy, healthy full present aunt. One thing I know for sure, we cannot be fully present in life, when we are connected in a relationship with an alcoholic, or connected with anyone in a codie kind of way. It is just not possible, to be fully present, when we are waiting for the next shoe to drop. The peace and the sleep you had this wee could be yours for a lifetime, leaving the house that is familiar is scary, but oh the peace you can have in the new place you make your home, a fresh start, you can have it too, you can be free, I am and honey I would not go back for any reason. I would rather be with myself (sounds much better than saying alone, and it's true), than to be sick with someone else. Please change therapists, and find a new place, if you want to go back to hell later, it will always be there. For now, get out of there, feel the fear and do it anyway, extend this mental vacation you are on and make it last a lifetime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are here for you and we care too, alot. But most importantly we have been where you are now and understand more than you could ever know. You say you need more time, the only one that can give you that is you, GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-08-2008, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by SHERRYL View Post
if you want to go back to hell later, it will always be there.
Love that! Another gem to add to my collection of quotable quotes from SR.
Thanks.

L
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Old 03-09-2008, 04:51 AM
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As I get my house ready to put up for sale, I am really looking forward to finding another home, one that will be all mine without the weird memories (and half-finished projects, piles of papers, empty bottles and other stuff ah leaves around). I'm so excited about finding this new place and think it will be great for my peace of mind! I do love this house but it's time to move on.

I am making so many changes so quickly, but it feels good to be moving forward. It almost seems like once you take the first steps, all your angels step in to keep the wheels in motion. I'm actually feeling excited about my future!

I used to have knots in my stomach all the time - my husband's family has now officially branded me as "neurotic" and the reason for the failed marriage - of course they're not exactly great examples of mental health either - who would be living in multiple alcoholic relationships? But now, while still sad sometimes, I'm feeling great about my new life.

Hopeangel, if I can do it anyone can!
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