shinagawa

Hello everyone,
This is my very first post, I have only just found this group.
I apologize in advance for the length.

I feel very alone, trapped, anxious.
I am an adult, 42 yr old mother of two healthy boys.
My mother has always been a very difficult person, very abusive, anger issues, etc...
It took me years to make peace with my childhood.
She was not a drinker while i was growing up, but an abusive parent.

My father left her about 4 years ago. I do believe he just could not put up with her abuse anymore, and just made the choice to live what was left of his life. I supported his decision, and still do.
This is when she began drinking.
For the past 2 yrs, my mother has been getting drunk every single day.
She begins in late afternoon, and by 6 pm she's drunk and will not remember conversations the next day.
Needless to say, she is in denial about this.

I have had my own troubles to deal with, mainly a horrible divorce that lasted 5 years. I have tried to focus on my kids, who really needed me, and still do. Their dad, a lawyer, has managed to get custody of them every other week--not because he's interested in parenting them, but just to hurt me.
So, every other week, my kids are with me, and life goes on.
My kids are my life. I am very involved in their activities; my oldest plays hockey, amd I manage his team, go to tournaments, etc...
My youngest is a musician. They are beautiful!
In many ways, the kids and I are very happy together.

All the bad stuff around my divorce has forced me to undertake a spiritual growth that has been very eye-opening. I used to feel sorry for myself, and wanted to die. I am far from perfect...I have a lot to work on and always will....but I want to welcome the challenges that life brings, and I am determined to carry out this adventure that is existence!

But my mother's drinking is out of control.
She has no one but us (me and my kids), because my dad and my brother have shut her out and refuse to intervene, or they minimize the issues...and honestly I can't blame them, they have both suffered a lot because of her behaviour.
So, she calls me and wants the kids and I to visit.
When we do, she gets drunk, euphoric but then nasty, and I hate that the kids have to see this.
She structures her whole day around the drinking, and lies about it, or pretends we cannot notice.

She calls me in the evenings, horrible intoxicated phonecalls that lead nowhere and that she forgets the next day.
I am this close to just ending all the denial and telling her I cannot be a party to this any more. In the past, when i tried to mention her drinking, she totally flipped out and became very agressive. I am still afraid of her in some deep-seated ways, because she scared me so much when i was little.
I feel very guilty.
I don't know what to do.

I thank you all in advance for wisdom. I want to act lovingly, but I don't know how.
if you have read this far, i am already grateful!
any feedback at all would be deeply appreciated