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my Mom is an alcoholic, I am in despair--new here and seeking

Old 03-02-2008, 05:17 PM
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Unhappy my Mom is an alcoholic, I am in despair--new here and seeking

Hello everyone,
This is my very first post, I have only just found this group.
I apologize in advance for the length.

I feel very alone, trapped, anxious.
I am an adult, 42 yr old mother of two healthy boys.
My mother has always been a very difficult person, very abusive, anger issues, etc...
It took me years to make peace with my childhood.
She was not a drinker while i was growing up, but an abusive parent.

My father left her about 4 years ago. I do believe he just could not put up with her abuse anymore, and just made the choice to live what was left of his life. I supported his decision, and still do.
This is when she began drinking.
For the past 2 yrs, my mother has been getting drunk every single day.
She begins in late afternoon, and by 6 pm she's drunk and will not remember conversations the next day.
Needless to say, she is in denial about this.

I have had my own troubles to deal with, mainly a horrible divorce that lasted 5 years. I have tried to focus on my kids, who really needed me, and still do. Their dad, a lawyer, has managed to get custody of them every other week--not because he's interested in parenting them, but just to hurt me.
So, every other week, my kids are with me, and life goes on.
My kids are my life. I am very involved in their activities; my oldest plays hockey, amd I manage his team, go to tournaments, etc...
My youngest is a musician. They are beautiful!
In many ways, the kids and I are very happy together.

All the bad stuff around my divorce has forced me to undertake a spiritual growth that has been very eye-opening. I used to feel sorry for myself, and wanted to die. I am far from perfect...I have a lot to work on and always will....but I want to welcome the challenges that life brings, and I am determined to carry out this adventure that is existence!

But my mother's drinking is out of control.
She has no one but us (me and my kids), because my dad and my brother have shut her out and refuse to intervene, or they minimize the issues...and honestly I can't blame them, they have both suffered a lot because of her behaviour.
So, she calls me and wants the kids and I to visit.
When we do, she gets drunk, euphoric but then nasty, and I hate that the kids have to see this.
She structures her whole day around the drinking, and lies about it, or pretends we cannot notice.

She calls me in the evenings, horrible intoxicated phonecalls that lead nowhere and that she forgets the next day.
I am this close to just ending all the denial and telling her I cannot be a party to this any more. In the past, when i tried to mention her drinking, she totally flipped out and became very agressive. I am still afraid of her in some deep-seated ways, because she scared me so much when i was little.
I feel very guilty.
I don't know what to do.

I thank you all in advance for wisdom. I want to act lovingly, but I don't know how.
if you have read this far, i am already grateful!
any feedback at all would be deeply appreciated
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Old 03-02-2008, 05:25 PM
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Welcome. You have found a wonderful palce for support and information. Keep posting and reading. Read the stickies for some real good information and starting point for understanind the effects of alcoholism on you and your kids.

Originally Posted by shinagawa View Post
I am this close to just ending all the denial and telling her I cannot be a party to this any more.
That would be a real good starting point. Ask yourself what you get out of taking the abuse and what your children are getting from the abuse. Is that what you want your kids seeing as an acceptance way of behaving?

Setting a boundary that you will not tolerate any sign of drunkenness, any abuse and if it happens the visit/conversation ends is a boundary I would set. It protects you and your kids while saying you are willing to continue the relationship as long as it fits in with what you define as acceptable behavior.
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Old 03-02-2008, 05:26 PM
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do you know about al-anon? have you attended any al-anon meetings?

you are not alone.

this is a terrible disease. it takes a lot of courage, support and understanding to cope with it. for me, real recovery has occurred in working the steps.

everything you described -- every feeling of guilt, etc. -- sounds totally normal to me. normal, that is, in dealing with alcoholism in a family or friend.

it sounds like you have already had much growth. you sound very willing. i didn't believe anything could possibly help me or change my life when i crawled into al-anon. another person's alcoholism had completely shattered my life. al-anon has literally saved my life and now it is helping me to really live.

keep reaching out.
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Old 03-02-2008, 05:29 PM
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BTW, both my parents were alcoholic. When I became a parent, I refused to allow them to spend anytime with my children if they were drinking. I walked out of their house lots of times until they finally understood I meant what I said.
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Old 03-02-2008, 06:03 PM
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and I hate that the kids have to see this.
The children don't HAVE to see this. Why is it so important to you to "act lovingly" towards someone who doesn't act lovingly towards you?
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Old 03-02-2008, 07:19 PM
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Your life is so full of stress. You might want to consider going to alanon meetings. You will be amazed at how stress relieving they are!

My mom is an alcoholic too. She's been sober for 30 years, but the alcoholic behavior remains. She's just not drunk any more.
Do post in the "adult children of alcoholics" board too. It really helps me a lot.

I had to learn to let go of my mom. I just can't handle the insanity any more.
She lives 2.5 hours away. I find this a comfortable distance.
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Old 03-02-2008, 07:31 PM
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Sorry you have these troubles,but actually your mother sounds to be in a good place to be able to reach out and get help for her problem. With no one else but you and your kids; should you also leave her due to her failure to address her alcoholism,it seems like she will be left with it in her lap.

Your kids don't need to be subject to her behavior and neither do you. If your mom was not so sick,she would say the same thing,I would think.

This sounds like one of those situations where an "intervention" with real consequences might be beneficial,imho. I'd consider that route, and then at least have said my peace because I would have to put up the boundaries to keep my children from more chaos.

Best of luck to you. Glad you found us and hope you stick around. It really has helped me regain my footing.
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Old 03-02-2008, 07:35 PM
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My RAH's mom is an active alcoholic and I have made it clear to him (and he agrees) that when we have kids, his mom will never be around them drunk. I agree with FormerDoormat - they don't *have* to see this.
As an only child with no father I have seen my husband deal with his mother's drinking. I've heard the put downs, the manipulation, the pleadings, the deals etc. A very small part of me (like 0.01%) feels sorry for her because of all that she's missed out on, however IMO it was her choice to drink, it was her choice not to accept help when it was offered (her sister was nice enough to offer to pay for treatment for her).
She has since lost her job, her home, her family and it hasn't stopped her.

You say you can't blame your brother and father for shutting her out because of the pain she's caused them, but what about the pain she's caused you?
Invest the money in caller ID and don't answer the phone when she calls. Those 3 dollars a month will be a small price to pay for your peace of mind.

What do you do the week you don't have your kids? Do you have hobbies of your own?
Good Luck! And welcome to a fellow Canadian
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Old 03-02-2008, 09:24 PM
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My father was an A. He started drinking more and more after my mom died. when my children were small - I just got tired of them seeing him passed out in his chair when would visit. My sister and I finally went to see him and told him that we loved him but we were done.

if he was hell bent on dying this way - we were not going to watch and that his grandkids deserved better than they got from him.

We gave him a kiss and walked out the door.

He only lived 30 mins from both of us but we never saw him for 6 months. \he would call - if he was driking i would just hang up. it was the hardest thing |I ever did... one day I came home (6 long months later) in my door was his business card - simply written on the back.. call me I am sober.

He passes away in 2000 - i still have that card. I am thankful for the time we had once he got cleaned up... oh I know 6 months he still had work too do but he did it... to bad i wasn't stronger when the problem first started.

Only you can decide what you want to do.. but i know for me my children needed me to make that choice for them -

shakkaris
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Old 03-02-2008, 09:25 PM
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My father was an A. He started drinking more and more after my mom died. when my children were small - I just got tired of them seeing him passed out in his chair when would visit. My sister and I finally went to see him and told him that we loved him but we were done.

if he was hell bent on dying this way - we were not going to watch and that his grandkids deserved better than they got from him.

We gave him a kiss and walked out the door.

He only lived 30 mins from both of us but we never saw him for 6 months. \he would call - if he was driking i would just hang up. it was the hardest thing |I ever did... one day I came home (6 long months later) in my door was his business card - simply written on the back.. call me I am sober.

He passed away in 2000 - i still have that card. I am thankful for the time we had once he got cleaned up... oh I know 6 months he still had work too do but he did it... to bad i wasn't stronger when the problem first started.

Only you can decide what you want to do.. but i know for me my children needed me to make that choice for them -

shakkaris
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Old 03-02-2008, 09:25 PM
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dble post... sorry

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Old 03-02-2008, 10:02 PM
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It was so good,it's worth a double-read!
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Old 03-03-2008, 06:28 AM
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shinagawa Welcome!!!

I hope you will keep coming back..reading and posting.

Both of my parents were alcoholics. I have found some great support through SR, acoa and alanon.

You are doing an important thing by reaching out and sharing! Good Luck to you!
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Old 03-03-2008, 06:53 AM
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pick-a-name - yup he was great - and when I think back to what i went through with him - I scratch my head that I am in the same boat with a partner. BUT what I know now is that I had work to do on me and just did not know it...now that I am working a program for me it is making a difference... long way to go but I am on the right road

shakarris
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