"We all feel like she thinks we don't care because we didn't have a chance to explain our feelings to her. I love her to death so do my parents, we were trying to do what was in her best interest. If anything happens to her and we didnt' get the chance to explain things, that would be so horrible!"
I have been there many times, mostly in the early days of finding out about my daughter's using and the extend of it. Yeah, she was angry in those days, and yeah, she did blame and manipulate tons. But she also very quickly got over it. My AD knew we loved her and were trying to help her, deep inside. She got over it!
They do have a strong need to justify their actions by blaming others. Like her saying she would have gone into treament if you had bailed her out. Good set-up for next time she gets arrested, huh? She hopes you will run to bail her out next time, before she "changes her mind" about getting clean - but this is nonsense. She was pissed that her own actions landed her in jail and that you guys didn't make it all better for her.
As far as feeling like not helping is giving up - i struggle with this too. I struggle even more with feeling like surrendering is saying "it's oK if she dies". But I am so worn out and so sick myself right now - I just wanna give GOD (and my daugher) a shot here; let them both figure it out together. I got nowhere, so maybe HE will do a better job of helping her.