OMG Kristina got someone to bail her out of jail!

Old 03-01-2008, 09:46 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
OMG Kristina got someone to bail her out of jail!

We are SHOCKED, STUNNED, AND TERRIFIED! My parents and I were being very strong and trying to allow Kristina to experience her "rock bottom". She was in jail for exactly a week with a $1000 bail. She wasn't able to call anyone (we though) because a special account with some global tel needed to be set up and we only found out a few days ago and their number is always busy. We did put some money in her commissary, maybe she was able to use that to make calls somehow? She certainly didn't call us though!

The oddest thing happened yesterday. Her public defender called me (her sister) and said she had just met with her and she was absolutely frantic that her sister was supposed to bail her out today (yesterday) and was worried I was outside or waiting for her during their meeting, she begged her to call me. I said, No, I have no idea what she's talking about! She said, "are you her older sister". I said, "yes, I am her older and ONLY sister!" I explained that my parents were working on getting her into a halfway house and although this was her first offense, the reason we were not bailing her out is because she has a problem and we were concerned that if she was bailed out, she'd be back on the streets using.

My dad went to visit her this morning and called to tell me someone bailed her out! I guess I didn't believe it because I went down there an hour later and was told the same thing. All they could tell us is that she was bailed out yesterday by some woman who paid the $1000 bond (which was 10% of her $10,000 bail!) She must have been able to make calls and we didn't know. She's certainly not calling us.

It's hard to think of her back on the streets to get arrested for what would be the THIRD offense or possibly overdosing - this is very, very hard. We all feel like she thinks we don't care because we didn't have a chance to explain our feelings to her. I love her to death so do my parents, we were trying to do what was in her best interest. If anything happens to her and we didnt' get the chance to explain things, that would be so horrible!

Please pray for her and us!

I wish I could get more info. on who bailed her out and take it from there, but the jail said they don't know anything! I'm wondering if this is public information I could get from the courts on Monday?

Thanks for "listening"!
concernedsister is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 10:03 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Let go....

whats happening is exactly whats supposed to happen. Maybe she will return to researching her disease some more...maybe she will begin development of recovery. Let it unravel the way its supposed to.

Thats how people get sober, and no other way.

How can it benefit you to know who bailed her out? How? Not your business. Let it go. Cant control it, but you can kill yourself trying.

Hang in there...focus on you today!
Miss Pink is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 10:18 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Miss Pink,

Those were some powerful words. Thank you for having the courage to speak them. Not sure that it's what the OP and/or some of us want to hear, but it is what we need to hear.

We need to be reminded to get out of the way.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 11:40 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
She knows that you love her and she has been taking advantage of that love for a long, long time. There is no need to explain anything to her. She stopped calling her family because you would not give her the only thing that she wanted-a bail out so she could go back and use again. Do not feel guilty about what you and your family did. You did the thing that was the most loving. Addiction sure does screw things up, doesn't it? I agree with Pink, let her go. She is heading toward her own destiny. Get out of the way or as we say here, let go or be dragged. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 04:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Concerned, I'm really sorry you and your parents are so frantic, but what everyone here has said is so true. Your sister knows you all love her, but it isn't about love. She doesn't need to know why you didn't bail her out...she knows...she knows that she can no longer manipulate you so she has found others who can "help" her. If she wanted true help, she would still be there and waiting to get into rehab. Unfortunately this isn't her time. Maybe tomorrow will be, all we can do is pray. And I do agree with Miss Pink that knowing who bailed her out serves no useful purpose other than to suck you further into the drama and madness of active addiction. Prayers of comfort for you and your family and prayers that HP will walk with your sister and give her what she needs to want to choose recovery.
greeteachday is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 04:15 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Well she did call home. She had a friend who spent 9 days for violation of probation in there with her. This girl won a lot of money from a car accident law suit. As soon as she had served her sentence, she came back the same night and bailed Kristina out! She hadn't been able to call anyone, but she didn't need to because she convinced her friend to bail her out!

She "sounded" fine this afternoon when she called. I went to pick her up and she was HIGH AS A KITE! I'm not shocked. We were leaving her in there because we were afraid if we bailed her out she would get high and that is exactly what happened. She proceeded to tell me that if we had bailed her out on the first night instead of "leaving her there to rot" she was at her bottom and would have stayed clean, but because we left her there, all she was able to do was think about getting high!

Since this was her first arrest and she got arrested twice in the same night, I explained to her that one more arrest and she'd probably face mandatory minimum drug sentencing laws and how could she leave jail and get high. She said, "DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE A DISEASE?" Ok, I've always had a hard time believing the disease thing for exactly this reason, in my opinion, it gives her an "excuse" to use!

My parents, especially my mom, were of course devastated when she came home like that! I called them on the way and said she looked high (I knew she was) so she blamed me when she got home and they started getting mad at her for being high. A 5 year old would have known she was high - it's the MOST high looking I've ever seen her!

It's very hard to sit by and watch someone you love destroy their life - even if they have to make their own discoveries to get better.

She blamed us all for not giving a crap about her, and couldn't believe her family wouldn't bail her out for her first offense!
concernedsister is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 04:41 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
And why did you pick her up and bring her home. Sorry for asking that question but by doing what you did you just allowed yourself to have a front row seat to the continuing drama that is the life of an addict. If you don't want to see her high then don't see her. You are expecting her to act like a normal person and she can't right now. I hope you find a way to detach once again and let her face her own consequences. Telling her what you think is going to happen to her will not faze her because she does not care about something that has not happened yet. She only cares about getting high. Take care of you. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 04:44 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
concernedsister,
Just feel reassured that you and your parents did the right thing.
My oldest also has had others bail him out, but not me, I did that once and won't be part of it again.

Also, your sister is going to swing the blame on to anyone, and anybody that she can, it's called manipulation, and addicts have it fine tuned to perfection, so don't feel bad when she starts the blaming game. It's what addicts do.

One more thing, just because she was in jail, and your parents were looking into a halfway house for her, doesn't mean that would have worked out. Maybe, maybe not. When she's ready, she'll call and seriously ask for your help, and until then, you're kind of spinning your wheels.


Hugs to you, and your parents,
prayers for your sister, and all of you
mooselips is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 04:50 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by concernedsister View Post
Well she did call home. She had a friend who spent 9 days for violation of probation in there with her. This girl won a lot of money from a car accident law suit. As soon as she had served her sentence, she came back the same night and bailed Kristina out! She hadn't been able to call anyone, but she didn't need to because she convinced her friend to bail her out!

She "sounded" fine this afternoon when she called. I went to pick her up and she was HIGH AS A KITE! I'm not shocked. We were leaving her in there because we were afraid if we bailed her out she would get high and that is exactly what happened. She proceeded to tell me that if we had bailed her out on the first night instead of "leaving her there to rot" she was at her bottom and would have stayed clean, but because we left her there, all she was able to do was think about getting high!

Since this was her first arrest and she got arrested twice in the same night, I explained to her that one more arrest and she'd probably face mandatory minimum drug sentencing laws and how could she leave jail and get high. She said, "DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE A DISEASE?" Ok, I've always had a hard time believing the disease thing for exactly this reason, in my opinion, it gives her an "excuse" to use!

My parents, especially my mom, were of course devastated when she came home like that! I called them on the way and said she looked high (I knew she was) so she blamed me when she got home and they started getting mad at her for being high. A 5 year old would have known she was high - it's the MOST high looking I've ever seen her!

It's very hard to sit by and watch someone you love destroy their life - even if they have to make their own discoveries to get better.

She blamed us all for not giving a crap about her, and couldn't believe her family wouldn't bail her out for her first offense!

Addicts need enablers and they are experts at manipulating people to rescue them.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 07:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
stop looking then.
Miss Pink is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 08:49 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
To answer some of your questions, it feels (to us) like when you stop trying to help your addict by trying to push them in the right direction, that is when you have stopped caring. I have to ask myself "if she died tomorrow, would I be comfortable with the things I did". That's what will bring me peace. If she got bailed out and died on the street of an overdose, yes, that would be all her fault and her own doing, but "I" and my parents in not trying to find her, would always bear the weight of that guilt on our shoulders.

I think it is still very hard for us to all let go of the girl we knew. My little sister was like a daughter to me - born when I was 17. She and I were very close. She adored me and I adored her. After I had my son, she was at my house very day and every weekend - she was a great mother's helper. She came on all of our vacations, I was at all of her cheerleading practices, dance recitals, etc. She was a straight A student through 10th grade, super smart, gifted classes, everything. Suddenly at 15 that all changed when she found drugs. She was still a baby. Today she is 19 and things have obviously gotten far worse. Yes, we let go of the dream (that she had) to be a doctor long ago when she dropped out of high school due to her drug problem, we've let go of many dreams along the way. However, no matter what level of acceptance we are at (and we've come a long way), this was her first time in jail and was just as hard on all of us as it was on her. I still can't let go of the dream of getting her back. If this is truly a disease, than I want to help give her the tools to get well. If she had any other disease, I wouldn't turn my back on her, I'd do my best to get treatment for her and this is no different.

I am not prepared to lose her to an overdose or a life in prison without a fight. Maybe my fight will be futile, but it's something I have to do for myself. She thinks I don't care because I wouldn't bail her out of jail, I know the truth. Sure I believe in being tough and making sure she doesn't take advantage of me, but I can not stop caring and can not stop trying to help her realize she is ruining her life and turn that around while she is still young.

Right now, I know we are still going to face much more drama in the days and weeks to come. I don't know if she really wants help despite the trouble she has gotten into. I guess I can only hope.:praying
concernedsister is offline  
Old 03-01-2008, 09:01 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
We don't know what an addict's rock bottom will be. What we think should be isn't in our control.

Praying for your sister to find her way to recovery.
aztchr is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 12:49 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
"We all feel like she thinks we don't care because we didn't have a chance to explain our feelings to her. I love her to death so do my parents, we were trying to do what was in her best interest. If anything happens to her and we didnt' get the chance to explain things, that would be so horrible!"

I have been there many times, mostly in the early days of finding out about my daughter's using and the extend of it. Yeah, she was angry in those days, and yeah, she did blame and manipulate tons. But she also very quickly got over it. My AD knew we loved her and were trying to help her, deep inside. She got over it!

They do have a strong need to justify their actions by blaming others. Like her saying she would have gone into treament if you had bailed her out. Good set-up for next time she gets arrested, huh? She hopes you will run to bail her out next time, before she "changes her mind" about getting clean - but this is nonsense. She was pissed that her own actions landed her in jail and that you guys didn't make it all better for her.

As far as feeling like not helping is giving up - i struggle with this too. I struggle even more with feeling like surrendering is saying "it's oK if she dies". But I am so worn out and so sick myself right now - I just wanna give GOD (and my daugher) a shot here; let them both figure it out together. I got nowhere, so maybe HE will do a better job of helping her.
sleepygoat is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 03:20 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Be careful sweetie, while you are trying to rescue her from hell, she may pull you in to the darkest place you have ever seen...I know because I've been there.

The only person who can save an addict is the addict themselves. Anything more than that is an illusion.

My son has been missing three years, and I make it through my days by saying a prayer and giving his life to God, then living the rest of my day in faith that he is in good hands.

Have you and your family tried any meetings? You might find they help you keep your balance and hang on to your sanity. They saved my life.

Prayers for all of you, it is painful to watch someone we love destroy their lives.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 04:59 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Tough love coming.....warning!

Get thyselves to alanon or naranon fast. You have no knowledge about addiction or how to "treat" it appropriately.

Your going to "care" her right into the grave with your controlling.
Miss Pink is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 06:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((concerned sister)))

The first time I had to spend a night in jail because dad wouldn't bond me out, I called him hysterical, promising everything, and said "I'd rather be dead". The next day, they let me out on my own recognizance, and I walked back to the dope house. It didn't slow me down a bit.

I know you and you're family love your sister, there is no doubt. But she IS manipulating you all, and is only concerned about getting high. I know of a couple of parents who had their addict at home, watching them carefully, and their child STILL overdosed on drugs, right in front of the family.

I know I probably sound harsh, but as a recovering addict, I can promise you that until SHE wants to get clean, it doesn't matter what anyone does. As long as she can find someone to enable her, it will only prolong her using.

She knows you love her, but she is taking it for granted. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, but as long as she wants to keep using, it is only going to get worse. You CAN love her, but step away from the chaos.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 06:48 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
A boy that went to school with my daughter died at home from an overdose while his parents were sleeping next door and his fiance was in the same room. You can't prevent it. If you continue to try to control your sister and her using, she will just find someone who will enable her and she will have less and less to do with you and her family. I know because I tried to control my daughter's using. I would not enable her anymore and so she found herself a man who would. Once she had him, she did not need me anymore because what was important to her were the drugs. She did not care about relationships unless they included getting her DOC. Believe me when I say that your sister is no different than my daughter or any of the other addicts on here. Your sister will do whatever it takes to keep using until she is ready to quit. You do not use drugs and so you are looking at your sister with a different perception. One that if you are not careful, you will be dragged into the darkness with her. Let go. Your sister is not unique and neither are you. You are not superman. You can't save her although I know you keep thinking that you can. She knows you love her, she knows she can use that love to manipulate you. She counts on you trying to save her because then she does not have to take responsibility for saving herself. LET GO and save yourself. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 06:48 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
concerned & mom--

I have asked the same questions you are asking. I was told last summer by a 20+ year clean heroin addict who now has many initials and degrees in addiction the I "was helping her kill herself...loving her to death" and "are you ready to carry that around?"

I refuse to help Kasey, my AD, kill herself. YOu are right, it is absolute hell for a parent and for you as you love her so much. RIght now she doesn't love herself, so how can she show love? Letting go is not abandoning, but allowing the person to live their life, right or wrong, on their terms and learn from those experiences. Accepting is not condoneing, it only what we do to survive!

I refer you back to Ann, I have been in that hell and refuse it again! I have left AD in jail, on the street, run to rescue, gotten help, not gotten help....nothing made a difference becasue she loves drugs more than life itself!

I am so sorry you are hurting. Meeting will help, there is support there in face to face meetings you won't find anywhere else. Others know how you feel and will walk w/ you.

On a positive note, her friend will loose the $1000 when she doesn't appear for court!!! They are so messed up they don't realize they aren'te helping each other, but she also is helping/enableing Kristina to kill herself.

prayers for you and your family,
susan
caileesnana is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 06:54 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
One other thing that I thought about is the fact that you are just as addicted to your sister as she is to drugs. She uses drugs to escape whatever pain the drugs are covering and you use her to escape the pain of having to let her go. Been there, done that and it only prolongs the inevitable. It is extremely painful to let go and I won't lie to you about that. But it is less painful in the end than holding on and on and on to something that really is not there anyway. When the pain of trying to help your sister becomes more than the pain of letting go, you will find a way to detach. Same thing for your sister. When the drugs no longer work for her than she will find recovery. But just like we tell you to let go and you still continue to hang on because you are not ready, the same goes for your sister. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 03-02-2008, 04:52 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Miss Pink View Post
Tough love coming.....warning!

Get thyselves to alanon or naranon fast. You have no knowledge about addiction or how to "treat" it appropriately.

Your going to "care" her right into the grave with your controlling.
I don't mind your honest input at all. I appreciate the fact that people here are willing to say what they think. I seriously don't think I or my family or anyone for that matter has EVER been able to control Kristina, it has never happened. I just like to think if she doesn't want to live like this (and most addicts will say they don't) and she runs into roadblock after roadblock when she's trying to use, she will break down, cry, and give up. Maybe that's a crazy thing to think!

If someone we love is dying from a disease that doesn't have to be terminal and they are refusing treatment, there's not a nurse, doctor, or relative that would not try to push them into lifesaving treatment - hell, some courts will even "force" it. If you decide you want to commit suicide, no one will let you do it, we will try to force you and make you get help - to save you from yourself. If addiction is a disease, then the addict is helpless to fight their addiction and they need to be forced into treatment through love and support, counseling, etc. If you believe this won't help, isn't that like saying that addicts have control of their addiction? If they can choose when to stop, if they will only stop when they want to, that is saying they have control of it, right? Assuming they are powerless to their addiction, it's up to those who love them and have power to try to support them and prevent them from falling. Toddlers will get hurt if we don't watch them, but we prevent that, right?
concernedsister is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:51 AM.