To answer some of your questions, it feels (to us) like when you stop trying to help your addict by trying to push them in the right direction, that is when you have stopped caring. I have to ask myself "if she died tomorrow, would I be comfortable with the things I did". That's what will bring me peace. If she got bailed out and died on the street of an overdose, yes, that would be all her fault and her own doing, but "I" and my parents in not trying to find her, would always bear the weight of that guilt on our shoulders.
I think it is still very hard for us to all let go of the girl we knew. My little sister was like a daughter to me - born when I was 17. She and I were very close. She adored me and I adored her. After I had my son, she was at my house very day and every weekend - she was a great mother's helper. She came on all of our vacations, I was at all of her cheerleading practices, dance recitals, etc. She was a straight A student through 10th grade, super smart, gifted classes, everything. Suddenly at 15 that all changed when she found drugs. She was still a baby. Today she is 19 and things have obviously gotten far worse. Yes, we let go of the dream (that she had) to be a doctor long ago when she dropped out of high school due to her drug problem, we've let go of many dreams along the way. However, no matter what level of acceptance we are at (and we've come a long way), this was her first time in jail and was just as hard on all of us as it was on her. I still can't let go of the dream of getting her back. If this is truly a disease, than I want to help give her the tools to get well. If she had any other disease, I wouldn't turn my back on her, I'd do my best to get treatment for her and this is no different.
I am not prepared to lose her to an overdose or a life in prison without a fight. Maybe my fight will be futile, but it's something I have to do for myself. She thinks I don't care because I wouldn't bail her out of jail, I know the truth. Sure I believe in being tough and making sure she doesn't take advantage of me, but I can not stop caring and can not stop trying to help her realize she is ruining her life and turn that around while she is still young.
Right now, I know we are still going to face much more drama in the days and weeks to come. I don't know if she really wants help despite the trouble she has gotten into. I guess I can only hope.:praying