I definitely felt your emotional pain as I read through your post, and your physical pain too.
I divorced my alcoholic husband over 18 years ago, but refused to deal with my codependency issues, which led to more unhealthy relationships in my life.
The light bulb finally came on about 9 years ago and I've worked hard in my recovery from codependency.
Right now, I am fighting for my disability; I hired an attorney in January for my appeal. I have degenerative disc disease and have clinical depression.
I have worked hard to raise two girls by myself for the most part since 1986, and it's been extremely difficult to accept my disabilities.
I started back in therapy in December at the local mental health center for extra support. We have no Alanon meetings here, but my sponsor is priceless both for my Alanon issues and my addiction issues (I'm also a recovering alcoholic/addict- 17 1/2 years clean/sober).
I have had to set some goals for myself, and the biggest one is I will be starting back to college this fall at the age of 50 to finally complete my degree in medical information technology. I have taken classes here and there over the years when I could, and now I need to finish my training for a job that I can do which won't aggravate the disc disease.
I also have physical pain as I will not take any sort of narcotics, so I manage it through a specialist who does steroid injections into my lower back every few months, and on days the back is bad, I just take it extra easy.
Chronic physical pain can wear you thin, let alone piling on the stress of dealing with an active alcoholic.
Reach out for support where you can get it. Are you able to get out and do any volunteer work?
Keeping you in my prayers.