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Going insane ...

Old 03-01-2008, 11:52 AM
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Angry Going insane ...

Hi - I'm new to this site, but not new to knowing how alcoholism can destroy your whole life. It's all but destroyed mine.

When I met him 12 years ago, I was attractive, independent and had a full time job. Fast forward 12 years later - I'm overweight, rely on him for everything, and am on disability. His world has become my world. I've been emotionally and verbally abused these last 12 years with being treated like a queen in between those bouts. Why else would we stay? They have their good sides (even great ones). They are charming. They can make us feel like the most beautiful woman on earth (when alcohol is talking) or we can be the wicked witch of the west.

We co-own a duplex. I've recently moved into the other side (which is supposed to be our income supplement) because I cannot live with him. Now he's starting something new. He thinks he's single (even though he wants me for EVERYTHING still). He looks for women online and sometimes has them overnight. The walls are pretty thin between where our place adjoins, and that so happens to be where he has his dalliances. I don't care about what he's doing, yet I'm obsessed with it (if that makes sense). I KNOW I'M ADDICTED TO HIM (the alcoholic) just as he is addicted the the alcohol and ME (the enabler).

I would love to be able to sell the house tomorrow and move as far away as possible from him and never see him again, but we've tried to sell this place on 2 separate occasions, and had too much trouble trying to get our price and not wanting to go lower because of having to break the mortgage contract and debts to pay off. I know that's not a great excuse, but it was extremely stressful and I don't have the strength to go through it again right now. There is also work to be done, but he works hard physically every day and has no energy to do anything physical at night except drink, womanize or watch tv. We both love the place - WE JUST CAN'T EVEN LIVE IN THE SAME CITY TOGETHER!!! He's agreed to move out and my sister will be moving next door in 2 months.

Honestly - with what he is doing next door - 2 months is too long for me. I'm literally going insane. It's practically right in my face and since I don't have my own life anymore - it's hard for me to ignore what's going on in his. I confront him and ask him if he can wait until we are no longer living in the same dwelling, but he has no consideration for my feelings whatsoever. I've told him if he wants to do that, he must leave me alone with no contact, but it's hard for us to have no contact, when we are 'joined at the hip'. I feel just so sick I can't sleep. I don't even know if him moving away is going to work.

I've gone for abuse counselling, but not to al-anon. I don't have much energy to do anything. I'm in pain all of the time. I know that it should work for me and yet I don't know how I can help myself while I am still in the enabler role. I can say NO to him, which I've done on many occasions, but he makes it impossible for me to stick with it. I guess that's the job of the alcoholic.

Thanks for listening and any advice or suggestions are most appreciated.
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Old 03-01-2008, 12:15 PM
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Welcome to SR Tryin! Glad that you found us!

Sorry for the pain that you are going through right now. Al-Anon would be worth trying. I know that Al-Anon has brought me many tools in which to live my life today-I have learned that not only the alcohol others were consuming around me was a problem but, I was a PROBLEM! I learned today not to allow things in my life that are unacceptable. I have learned a new way of living life-I know that when I'm happy with myself from A-Z it allows me to see things around more clear-

Spending my energy on myself and finding out about myself instead of wasting it something or someone that is not happy with their own self is a waste of energy for me today. I do not depend on anyone but myself-but allow others to help to guide if I need a push. Today life is about loving myself and living life with peace and happiness. It is within our reach as long as we keep reaching for it.

Give Al-Anon a shot....not just one meeting but a few. Keep posting here and know that you are not alone-
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Old 03-01-2008, 01:07 PM
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Exclamation Epiphany ...

Just adding to my post here. After posting this - I just realized that the reason that I feel like I'm going crazy is not that I'm worried about him 'doing things' with other women. I'm afraid he's going to find another enabler and that's exactly what he's looking for. He knows that I'm slowly trying to get out, so he's scrambling to find someone 'new'! His desperation to find a new enabler is scaring me because I'm so addicted to that role. HOW SCARY IS THAT???!!! YIKES!

If thats all I've been for the past 12 years, I don't know what I would do with myself afterwards. I'm so addicted to being 'IT' that I have no life now. OMG - how do I just get a new life?
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Old 03-01-2008, 01:09 PM
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Oh I just noticed your response Rella. Thanks for the kind words of wisdom
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Old 03-01-2008, 03:39 PM
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Well, leave it to me to be blunt here. Welcome. You will find many folks who have been in your place and walked in your shoes. To begin with, you are not going "literally insane." You are making yourself nuts because you see your addictive substance being taken away from you, so you're in a panic.

If you were insane, you wouldn't have the clarity of mind to realize what was happening to you. So you are living next door to the drunk who is your current substance-of-choice.

You can no more just wish a new life into existance than you can rebuild the Twin Towers in a day. It took you years to sink this low, and the reality is you are not going to be able to wish your way into a charmed life. If this guy moves on, you'll find another loser to fix. That is, unless you seek recovery.

So, that dose of reality being said, is this your bottom? How badly do you want that better life? If you want it bad enough, you WILL find a support group - Al-Anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) - and work a program with the help of a sponsor. You will start being around people who have crawled out of the pit and discovered the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train.

You mentioned you are on disability. Is there a chance you could start working again, even on a part-time basis. PLEASE get a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. She lived your life and then some. She came back from the dead. She suffered from codependence and substance addiction. There IS hope. There IS a better life.

It IS up to you.
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Old 03-01-2008, 04:09 PM
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I definitely felt your emotional pain as I read through your post, and your physical pain too.

I divorced my alcoholic husband over 18 years ago, but refused to deal with my codependency issues, which led to more unhealthy relationships in my life.

The light bulb finally came on about 9 years ago and I've worked hard in my recovery from codependency.

Right now, I am fighting for my disability; I hired an attorney in January for my appeal. I have degenerative disc disease and have clinical depression.

I have worked hard to raise two girls by myself for the most part since 1986, and it's been extremely difficult to accept my disabilities.

I started back in therapy in December at the local mental health center for extra support. We have no Alanon meetings here, but my sponsor is priceless both for my Alanon issues and my addiction issues (I'm also a recovering alcoholic/addict- 17 1/2 years clean/sober).

I have had to set some goals for myself, and the biggest one is I will be starting back to college this fall at the age of 50 to finally complete my degree in medical information technology. I have taken classes here and there over the years when I could, and now I need to finish my training for a job that I can do which won't aggravate the disc disease.

I also have physical pain as I will not take any sort of narcotics, so I manage it through a specialist who does steroid injections into my lower back every few months, and on days the back is bad, I just take it extra easy.

Chronic physical pain can wear you thin, let alone piling on the stress of dealing with an active alcoholic.

Reach out for support where you can get it. Are you able to get out and do any volunteer work?

Keeping you in my prayers.
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Old 03-01-2008, 06:09 PM
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but he makes it impossible for me to stick with it.
Alanon helped me learn that I made it impossible for me to stick with it.
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Old 03-01-2008, 08:08 PM
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Welcome to SR .. hope you find some peace here

I know what you are saying - I too live next door to my STBXA - It is hard not to know what is going on next door - heck our living rooms are side by each .. for me it is not about other women - I find it hard to listen to him stumble around there just as he did here. It just makes me sad so I know when I finally move from here in a month.. it will get much better.

Hang in there keep posting

you are not alone

shakarris
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Old 03-02-2008, 11:18 AM
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Sounds to me like your self-image is pretty low. The one thing that helps me a ton is whenever I'm upset with the alcoholic I work out. It makes me feel and look better and I'm in control of that. You can help your anger and your self image every time he bothers you by doing this. He has no control over it. Only you do. Obsess over it and you'll think about him less and be doing something positive for yourself. Its not the cure to all your problems but it will help you. Try Al-Anon as well. This will give you two positive outlets for your emotions. Its a bit of work but push yourself. It will be worth it.
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Old 03-02-2008, 11:31 AM
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I am sorry that you are in such pain, physically and emotionally. By reaching out here you have already taken a baby step toward recovery. Much of what you said was very self aware......another great baby step.

Recovery is a process. Everyone here is in their own process of recovery....some in early recovery (like me).....some who have been working on their recovery for many years. Stick around. This is a great place to begin your own journey.

gentle hugs
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