In2Wen

So I've been battling addiction for the past 20+ years. My last period of sobriety lasted 19 days. I've gone through the yo-yo's of success and failure with this disease so many times I have lost count.
Tonight my partner, and my life, of six years discovered that she is yet again missing meds. She habitually counts them because she is now suffering just as much from this disease as I am. She has yo-yo'd through forgiveness to blame over and over again.
I'm too tired and exhausted to continue. I'm physically, emotionally, spiritually drained through and through. Tonight my thoughts are around whether or not I'll be forgiven once again. I should be focused on whether or not I'll stay sober tomorrow. But I'm overwhelmed by all of these feelings.
I am so grateful to have found this site. It has given me somewhere to channel all of this and I've stopped crying from the self-loathing.
It's so easy to feel utterly isolated and alone in this. Esp when my partner sits nearby wondering what the $!#@ is wrong with me and why she can't keep her medication in the house.
Through rambling. Thanks again for just being here...