Highvolt
We are all in our varying degrees of ****. There is no denying or sugarcoating your situation. It sounds like you still have a marriage. A lot of people here are doing it totally solo. I hope you can use it for strength.
Aside from that (only seven days sober AND feeling quite good) I defer to Astro's (Scott). Holy smoke! You'll find brilliance like that here every day. Scott, your post rocked me to the core.
There is one thing you must see. Because it is as sure as the sunrise. The straight skinny. The Blues and the Abstract Truth. You already know with certainty your future-IF you continue as you are right now. I don't care if you win the megalottery tomorrow. If you continue as you are, no lottery will change your future.
Kinda narrows the choices doesn't it? Simplifies things. It did for me. I have a bunch of degrees. Great. But I will totally shut up and listen to someone with a 6th grade education who has beaten their illness. My advice is write, read, and listen. Be humble but don't throw away your dignity.
I'm not yet at the point where I can read all the "bottom" stories. Too painful for me just yet. So I focus on the success stories. The many people who, against some pretty great odds and at various points in their recovery, are amazingly resilient and confident. Each person has something different to contribute. It's like a hospital full of specialists here. Not everyone will identify with you, but an amazing number will. Guaranteed.
I cannot guide your "program" for instance. I'd be the last person to ask for advice on that. But I'm great in the hope and optimism and empathy department. And I empathize with you. You haven't lost it all yet, brutha. You are luckier than many, though it may seem hard to believe it tonight.
But listen to some of the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month, 3 year stories around here. Courage worthy of a heroe's homecoming. You'll see.
Perhaps in three years we can pin a medal on the other's chest, eh?
I am a lifetime educator. Teacher, principal, teacher. Children are an amazing source of strength and forgiveness. I taught in some of the worst ghettos in America before moving to the Rockies. I taught the children of junkies, murderers, prostitutes, etc. And I remember how these kids loved their parents. Amazing. They can give you much strength and reason to live. It's all in the eyes. Bury yourself in self pity, toxic shame, guilt, and you'll never see it. My kids (grown) have amazingly circled the love wagons for the second time. Do you have any idea how good that feels. Do you think it doesn't give me determination to succeed?
Listen to the elders, Highvolt. Some may be only 25 years old here. But they have more wisdom than most 70 year old MD, PhD psychiatrist types. Seriously.
The road ahead, from your perspective might seem to be an endless highway of pain. But, from what I've read here, 3 months seems to be a real benchmark. Sure some people relapse, but most seem to get right back up because they know they can do it. I don't know how old you are, but three months is less than a college semester. And you are taking only one course! You can do that.
I like to use an aphorism I "invented." When **** gets really bad, really bad I tell people that I'm rowing Pain Lake with one oar. You know, circles. Tons of effort, same place. This place, treatment, etc can give you the other oar.
Like me, it doesn't sound like you have a lot of choice, my friend. Like me, it doesn't sound like you sought this place out merely to cry. After all you searched "hope" and not "ending it all." So you are one giant step ahead of where you were. And, as it is said, a journey of a thousand miles MUST start with a single step.
Keep comin' back!
warrens