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Old 02-12-2008, 10:16 PM
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Just Me

I have been agonizing about this all night. I am a very closed off person, I don't share a lot about myself to anyone. I had another thread earlier tonight(I was at work so this all affects me more than I even realize). I shared some information about me but I failed to include it all. I protect myself from scrutiny a lot, failure is never an option for me....though I do it (fail) most of the time.

I realize this is all anonymous so here I go....

If you are easily bored then you should probably go elsewhere.

I am an alcoholic... I am again practicing not recovering. I can't seem to get past the guilt of everything I have done. During the first "sober stint" I have lost almost everything. I spent so much on my addiction that I did not open my eyes to what was going on. I am currently losing my home, and in that home my wife, step-son, and son reside. This is all because of me. I drank it all away and I am caught in the circle again. To the outsider they may say "just quit"; but it isn't that easy. HERE I GO AGAIN....FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILY I CAN'T EVEN STOP. I WANT TO SCREAM... I want so much for them to find a better father, husband...they deserve it.

How worthless is that?! I can't forgive myself for what I have done. I can't get past it. I look at my son every day anD feel the pain. I don't want him to be like me....NEVER. I just don't know what to do anymore.

That is probably enough for the night
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Old 02-12-2008, 10:52 PM
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Thanks for sharing part of your story.

Welcome to SR!

I too had many false starts on my recovery journey.
I was up and down...in and out of AA.
I was 5 years in AA before
I earned a 1 year medallion.

Then I read a book...."Under The Influence"
that explained to me why I kept drinking
despite my efforts to quit.

I took that info...re connected to God and AA.
I've not had another drink.

We have excerpts here....if you are interested

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Please do keep posting with us...we do understand.
Blessings to the 4 of you
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Old 02-13-2008, 06:36 AM
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Carol D

Thank you for the information.
I do appreciate it. I just feel lost and alone. I can't seem to get a firm grip on anything. Like everything is lost.
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:07 AM
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Highvolt, early recovery is really difficult because of the fact that we have to deal with all the stuff we've been avoiding. For all of my adult life, I hadn't dealt with my feelings. It was overwhelming to finally have to face everything and to know that there is nowhere to run and hide. All you can do is to move forward. Of course, you cannot change what has happened, but you can live the life you choose, today, and for the rest of your life. You can do this!
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Old 02-13-2008, 01:39 PM
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Welcome to SR, highvolt! Some of the most important and lifesaving things I've been graced with in recovery is knowing that I can't stay sober by myself, and that someone else has been through the same experience that I have. When I read your post I heard part of my story once again.

Almost 3 years ago I gave away my marriage, my home, a couple dogs, some in-laws and other relatives, and the privilege of being present 24/7 in my children's lives. I say "gave away" because I've learned not to think that I "lost" those things. Every time I picked up a drink I was making the decision to give up everything that I thought was necessary to have a rich and fulfilling life.

I won't tell you to "just quit". I tried that many times and it never worked. But on the day I sobered up in Feb. 2005 I knew that I had to stop, that I needed help, and that I could never safely take a drink again. I walked into my first AA meeting that night, and while it hasn't been an easy journey I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since then. My marriage didn't last but I now know that that wasn't God's will for me. In giving AA a chance, working a 12 Step program, and embracing recovery as a way of life, I've forgiven myself for the wreckage of my past and learned to love the person that I've become.

You're right, your family does deserve a better father and husband, but that person is within you, it's not someone else. My kids have a step-dad now, and while that hurts me sometimes I know that I've become the father that they deserve. We share an unconditional love that is stronger than I thought was ever possible. People who know me personally find it amazing that my 10 & 12 year old children attend AA meetings with me every week. Personally, I just find it totally cool that I've got two awesome kids who support me in my recovery. That's all the forgiveness I really need.

There are no worthless people in recovery, and no failures. Every single one of us is a winner. If you stop drinking now and detox safely I can guarantee you that you won't die from not taking another drink. But continue drinking and there's always the possibility that it will get much worse. I hope you choose sobriety and share about your success with us on SR. It might not be easy, but the rewards are definitely priceless.

Again, welcome to our family in recovery. This is a wonderful place.

Scott
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Old 02-13-2008, 02:02 PM
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Please stick around and keep posting - you aren't alone. We do understand what it's like.
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:49 PM
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Thank you all

Believe it or not, I am finding that my "loner" attitude doesn't work. I have done a lot of soul searching in the past couple of days and I realize I need help. I came to this forum out of desperation. I did a search on losing hope or something like that (details are cloudy) and this forum was in the search. I have since done the search in a number of ways and I can't seem to find it. I am really convinced that it was an act of God to find this place and all of you. I really hope you don't mind if I lean on you guys because it helps.

As of this day I am not sober.

I have made a decision to go to a meeting on Monday and see what goes from there.

When I did AA before I did not have a sponsor. I had phone numbers from people who were willing to help me but I did not want to bother anyone. Is that what a sponsor is?
(i only did AA for a short time).

what are the steps? I have some prayer cards for some steps? How do I get over my fear of judgment from people?

I really want to be sober again. But all the Pain goes away when I am not sober
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Old 02-14-2008, 11:06 PM
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HighVolt,

I'm new myself... If you need to, you can find the Big Book online through google...

I know what you mean about the screaming demons. What I'm learning is that they don't last... I guess you could say they get hoarse and fade with time.... I read one person's post here who states in their experience that the urges are all but gone after a few weeks... They aren't easy to ignore.... But it's easier than continuing with our habits.

Good luck to you. You're not alone.
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Old 02-15-2008, 12:48 AM
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Glad you checked back with us...

Here is a lnformational link for you
you can compare your prayer cards
and see if they are the same.

The Primary Purpose Website

An AA sponsor is to assist you in doing 12 Step work.
In most meetings ....on the free pamphlet rack is

"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

Take one home and read it for a guideline.

Congratulations on your new plan of action!
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:16 PM
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Hello

I want to go to a meeting i have never been to before. where do I find one?
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Old 02-15-2008, 09:27 PM
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Here you go....

Alcoholics Anonymous : Central Offices, Intergroups and Answering Services for (U.S. and Canada)

You could also check your local phone book
Some newspapers carry info
The police usually know....
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Old 02-22-2008, 06:40 PM
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Well, no excuses I did not make it to a meeting this week. I will go on monday. (If anyone was curious)
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Old 02-22-2008, 08:02 PM
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Highvolt

We are all in our varying degrees of ****. There is no denying or sugarcoating your situation. It sounds like you still have a marriage. A lot of people here are doing it totally solo. I hope you can use it for strength.

Aside from that (only seven days sober AND feeling quite good) I defer to Astro's (Scott). Holy smoke! You'll find brilliance like that here every day. Scott, your post rocked me to the core.

There is one thing you must see. Because it is as sure as the sunrise. The straight skinny. The Blues and the Abstract Truth. You already know with certainty your future-IF you continue as you are right now. I don't care if you win the megalottery tomorrow. If you continue as you are, no lottery will change your future.

Kinda narrows the choices doesn't it? Simplifies things. It did for me. I have a bunch of degrees. Great. But I will totally shut up and listen to someone with a 6th grade education who has beaten their illness. My advice is write, read, and listen. Be humble but don't throw away your dignity.

I'm not yet at the point where I can read all the "bottom" stories. Too painful for me just yet. So I focus on the success stories. The many people who, against some pretty great odds and at various points in their recovery, are amazingly resilient and confident. Each person has something different to contribute. It's like a hospital full of specialists here. Not everyone will identify with you, but an amazing number will. Guaranteed.

I cannot guide your "program" for instance. I'd be the last person to ask for advice on that. But I'm great in the hope and optimism and empathy department. And I empathize with you. You haven't lost it all yet, brutha. You are luckier than many, though it may seem hard to believe it tonight.

But listen to some of the 3 day, 3 week, 3 month, 3 year stories around here. Courage worthy of a heroe's homecoming. You'll see.

Perhaps in three years we can pin a medal on the other's chest, eh?

I am a lifetime educator. Teacher, principal, teacher. Children are an amazing source of strength and forgiveness. I taught in some of the worst ghettos in America before moving to the Rockies. I taught the children of junkies, murderers, prostitutes, etc. And I remember how these kids loved their parents. Amazing. They can give you much strength and reason to live. It's all in the eyes. Bury yourself in self pity, toxic shame, guilt, and you'll never see it. My kids (grown) have amazingly circled the love wagons for the second time. Do you have any idea how good that feels. Do you think it doesn't give me determination to succeed?

Listen to the elders, Highvolt. Some may be only 25 years old here. But they have more wisdom than most 70 year old MD, PhD psychiatrist types. Seriously.

The road ahead, from your perspective might seem to be an endless highway of pain. But, from what I've read here, 3 months seems to be a real benchmark. Sure some people relapse, but most seem to get right back up because they know they can do it. I don't know how old you are, but three months is less than a college semester. And you are taking only one course! You can do that.

I like to use an aphorism I "invented." When **** gets really bad, really bad I tell people that I'm rowing Pain Lake with one oar. You know, circles. Tons of effort, same place. This place, treatment, etc can give you the other oar.

Like me, it doesn't sound like you have a lot of choice, my friend. Like me, it doesn't sound like you sought this place out merely to cry. After all you searched "hope" and not "ending it all." So you are one giant step ahead of where you were. And, as it is said, a journey of a thousand miles MUST start with a single step.

Keep comin' back!

warrens
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:18 AM
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Day 1 will let you know hoe it goes
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:19 AM
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how
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:34 AM
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You only have to do this one day at a time, highvolt. I woke up sober, so with the grace of God, an AA meeting and friends in the fellowship, and by practicing my 12 Step program, I'll go to bed sober. Then I get to wake up tomorrow and get the gift of sobriety again.

Soooo, are you planning on going to a meeting today?
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:46 AM
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I'm on day one also, Highvolt. We can do this. We won't be defined by our alcoholism but we will rise above it!
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:52 AM
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highvolt I could have written your opening post in early Sept. 2006, the short of it is, I was lost and had no idea what to do, saw a doctor who put me into detox, detox told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, I did that and they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober I needed to work the steps with my sponsor, I did that and I am sober and happy today and am working with a sponsee today who has 10 months sober.

Thanks to AA I can honestly say that life is great and getting better every day.
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Old 02-28-2008, 09:54 AM
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Good luck highvolt, keep posting here, it helps



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Old 02-28-2008, 10:09 AM
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WTF Highvolt? Why are you here? One word posts?

If you don't allow the pain inside to find its way out, you will devour yourself.

As good as some of the people are here, I doubt they can deal with one word posts. Nor can your family.

You seem immobilized by self pity. Paralyzed. I think most of us have been there. You seem to be "Dipping your toe in the waters" of recovery to see if it is swimmable. I think Ray Charles could see that won't wor

This isn't a rant, Highvolt, it's a plea. Give us something to work with. Give your family something to work with. Give yourself something to work with.

You have a certain future if you don't. Believe me, stuff will happen with or without you. You can't expect your family and the rest of the world to be encased in marble. At some point your wife will develop the ovaries to do what is good for her and the kids. At some point the quality of your work will degenerate to the point where people have choices to make and it won't be you. Stuff WILL happen.

You seem like a world class bottom waiting to happen. The iceberg is out there, Mr. Titanic and you have a date with it. And saying "I may go to a meeting" will not push it off your course. You need to "stop all engines." Make a real commitment to yourself. Not to us, not to your family, but to yourself. If you can do that you may be surprised at what things begin to fall into place.

Dive in, Highvolt. The water is ice cold, but it is the only way to the lifeboat.

Sincerely and respectfully,

warrens
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