Oh Pam... so sorry. Especially that the chaos had to continue, even unto this point. I am glad you got to say your goodbyes when you did, and am certain that the good, kind woman beneath the disease and anger and pain is the one who could hear you.
I've found that writing letters - even to those who never get them, helps me very much. I've carried many a resentment and hurt around, especially the old ones left over from when I was too young to know how to defend myself. Writing those letters truly helps me put those burdens down. To deliver them - I just burn them and watch the smoke wafting up....
Please know you are in my prayers and accept my condolences for your terrible loss....
((hugs))