Cate -
I think that only you can answer that question for yourself. The other questions that I would ask myself are: am I happy, secure, safe in this relationship? Can I rely on him to do what he says and say what he does? Do I spend my time away from him worrying about him or do I concentrate on my own life? Are there things that I should be doing instead of worrying/being unhappy about this relationship? Will things ever change if I keep on behaving in the ways that I have been behaving? Do I want to stay in this relationship it nothing changes? What would need to change for me to be happy in this relationship? What can I do to feel better about myself? If my best friend were in my shoes, what would I tell her to do? If your best girlfriend were treating you this way what would you do? Do I live in anxiety and fear of what my loved one might do? When I look at myself in the mirror, who and what do I see? Do I like what I see in my eyes?
I think that ultimately it becomes more about defining what you want in a relationship and will tolerate than telling him what to do or not. I stated to RAH (then ABF) that I would no longer be involved with an active addict.....not that he had to quit using drugs. Get the difference? It was all about me - not about him. The big catch is - I couldn't state that until I understood what I did want and what I would do in response to that. It's important not to pull a gun that you are not ready to shoot. Obviously, ABF could smell it that I was done...finito....because that is when he started thinking about what consequences he was willing to pay for his continued drug use. I will tell you that I had another go-round with him 18 years ago.....he chose cocaine that go-round. However, I knew that life with an addict was hell and the pain of losing that relationship was less than a life time of the other. So see, I realize that it had nothing to do with me this time....it had to do with the fact that he was done.
I think it's really important to do whatever it takes to get your heart and your head in the same place...otherwise, you are likely to participate in our own form of relapse. I can tell you already that things will never be the same between you again. Try and be realistic and look at what you do have and not what you wished you had. Things might someday be better...they might be worse - but they will never be the same. Once you've been lied to and trust has been broken it's never the same. Both parties have to be willing to work - at recovery and the relationship. One person can't carry this load by themselves. If you are having to ask if you are right to lay down the law you might want to step back and think about it some more.
I know that things are confusing for you right now. I will say that my 2 real deal breakers are using or cheating. If RAH were to pick up again then we'd be through unless he admitted himself to a rehab and demonstrated his sobriety (and not living in my home). There is no doubt in my mind because I trust myself now to know what is unacceptable in a relationship. A relationship with an addict is an oxymoron. Not truly possible. It's an addiction - mine is the user, his is the drug.
Get some rest and take care of yourself. Love, Donna