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sick of dusting myself off

Old 02-13-2008, 07:23 AM
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sick of dusting myself off

well I have been here lurking in the shadows for the past few months hoping in a way to just help and never have to post about my "issue" again, but unfortunately the cocaine monster is back with a vengeance. This is more of a vent than anything else. I appreciate you shoulders, ears and advice.

Itís funny how quickly oneís feelings can change. In the beginning it was hurt, sadness then devastation. Now itís bitterness, anger and resentment. He knows I am angry but the poison stunts his emotions. Slowly but surely I am getting fed up. Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize all of the things that people have been telling me since I realized this was a problem. I question reaching out for help at this point being I donít know what it will do. He refuses to help himself so how am I supposed to help him. My words fall on deaf ears and I am sure my pleas are old hat to those who have listened to me so far.

I play my thoughts and my feelings over and over in my head. I know what I want and need to say to him, but when it comes time the words have escaped me. Then I get angry with myself. The only person who can change my situation is me and I continue to let myself down. Why do I tolerate it? Why do I do this to myself? I am so angry with me. Itís so unfair. I need to talk to someone, but I feel almost guilty going back to my friends and asking for help. I feel like they think I am an idiot for putting up with it for this long. And part of me agrees. I fall so hard when he cleans up his act and starts being my boyfriend again and then I am absolutely heartbroken when he falls off the wagon. Honestly I think this is the first time that I got pi$$ed first.

I wish there was a way to have this decision made for me. Show me the right way. Tell me itís okay to give up all that I have worked so damn hard for here and go back home. Tell me itís not worth it anymore. Tell me he doesnít love me. Tell my heart I donít love him.

Thank you for listeningÖ.now Iím going to cry.
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:29 AM
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I'm sorry you have to go through this, really I am.

It is my feeling that when we have addicts for loved ones it kind of like grieving for someone who has died, and there are steps to grieving, you are just going through one of them. Perfectly normal feelings.

you'll come up with the right decision for you because you are already on your way to recovery from his addiction. Keep reading, keep posting and perhaps find a meeting you can go to, they will understand for sure and you won't have to worry about judgement.

good luck
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Old 02-13-2008, 07:49 AM
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You hit the nail on the head. Thatís exactly how I am feeling. I feel like I am mourning a death. At first it hurt like hell and then I got angry for him ďleaving meĒ and now I am a whole ball of both.

Part of me wishes I would reach my breaking point sooner rather than later because I am not sure how much more I can handle.
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:01 AM
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Cate -

Please consider going to an Alanon/Naranon meeting if you haven't already. I realized early on that I needed to find a group of people that understood and could show me a way through the awful maze of addiction. My friends/family weren't in the middle of it and it was easy for all of them to say "walk away". Maybe that is what I should have done but I certainly did not know how to manuever around the obstacles of emotions, feelings, love, guilt, loyalty, etc. I needed a lot of guidance to help me find the way and to learn what is reasonable for me to expect in a relationship.

It took me a long time to realize that as long as active addiction (that does not necessarily mean day to day using) was going on that the "real" person that I thought that I loved was simply an illusion. He was the person that he needed to be - charming, loving, devoted - to keep me hanging in there while he used (although claiming he had stopped/would stop). Rahsue is correct - it is a grief process. I spilled many a tear over who I thought I had fallen in love with vs the reality. I was grieving the death of a dream. It has taken me a long long time to figure out what was real and what was the ideal image that I believed to be true.

The fact is....that anything that goes on in active addiction is simply a survival mechanism for the "addict" inside of the person that we love. Take away the substance and the using and you are dealing with a person that has to learn new ways to cope with the feelings and emotions that lead to using drugs/alcohol. It is not as simple as "not using". My charming, engaging, caring, concerned, loving, warm, attractive, appreciative ABF was not at all the person that was underneath it all once he put the drugs down. He was a man that had arrested emotional development due to his drug use. I am still shocked to this day that I was unable to see all through that. He was so able to act "as if" while he was using....it's amazing.

I believe that the question that you asked "he's unwilling to get help so how do I help him?" is a great question. The only way that an addict will get help is when he/she hits their bottom....when the pain of using is greater than the pain of not using. Sometimes the only way to help is to sever the relationship....have a bottom line that you are not willing to cross. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I said "if you use drugs then I am unwilling to be in a relationship with you". That didn't mean that he didn't love me nor that I didn't love him - just that drugs were a deal breaker. The only way that I ever helped my now RAH is to walk away and adhere to my boundaries. By helping myself I now see that indirectly I helped him. I helped him by letting him manage his addiction alone without me by his side. His sobriety is his alone to keep. My responsibility is to know what I will and won't stand....and to have the self-discipline to adhere to that.

I've always tried to remember that the pain of walking away is still less than the pain of continually falling into the same hole. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Please keep posting because you are certainly in a place where many have walked in your shoes.

Thoughts are with you - Donna
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:12 AM
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Donna,

Thank you so much for your post. So much of what you said really hit home with me. The first thing I did this morning when I got to work was search out a meeting for tonight. I have so much to do, but I know I need to take care of myself first right now.

It’s such a challenge because he doesn’t use at all times. Prime example all of last week we were away and he was sober and he was the amazing human being I fell in love with. We weren’t home 48 hours and things went to the way side once again. It’s a constant roller coaster ride that I just don’t enjoy riding any longer.

I am fully aware of how unhealthy this situation is to me and I know now I finally need to do something about it. It is out of my reach to solve on my own. He has so many unresolved issues that I now see he band-aids with drugs to prevent him from really feeling the pain he needs to release. He needs help, but that’s exactly what he won’t get. He was forced into it during his parents’ brutal divorce and “doesn’t believe in it”. I guess you’re right and with him, rock bottom is what he needs. I fear what will happen though if I leave. He barely has any self-respect and I am afraid this will take him into that last and final spiral. I know that isn’t a reason to stay but I absolutely cannot live with knowing that his downfall was my fault.
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:25 AM
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Oh cate, you sound so much like me, I looked back over your past post and saw how long you have been feeling this way and just sat here and cried, I keep hoping every day my nightmare will end. My ABF was clean for 6 mo. and now has been using since Jan. Sometimes I get so close to saying thats it and it's then that he SUX me back in... Just a little hope is all he needs to offer. I asked him to leave just a little over a week ago, I've noticed in one little week that when he's using he could care less, but as little as 24 hrs clean time allows him to hurt......... I really feel that is going to be the only way he will clean up again. This will never be over but I'd love another 6 mo of clean time, maybe then I can ask for a year. Sorry, just had to vent........
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:32 AM
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ahhhhhh....if only we were that powerful that not being therre would lead to someone's downfall. It's an oxymoron of a situation. He is already heading there - one way or another - one is faster maybe than the other. He is taking himself down and the only question is whether he is going to take you with him. This is a disease that ends up either in recovery, in jail, an institution, or death. All that anyone's participation in the process does is allow the "addict" inside the person to stay alive. He might make it if he hits the bottom and finds the way out. Right now - all that is happening is that he's hanging on with you going down with him. I know that it sounds tough and cruel - it's counterintuitive that the only way to help is "not". Our disease is the ego state that believes that we can actually make a difference.

You did not cause his addiction and you can not cure it- there is nothing that you do that causes him to pick up. If he uses or spirals down it is only because of his own desires. He's using whether or not you are in his life already.

I really do understand how you feel because I realize that my RAH's poor coping mechanisms with life would most likely lead to a fairly quick relapse if we weren't together. BUT that isn't the reason that I stay with him. I cannot be held hostage by his addiction and the fears that it would be worse for him w/o me here. My RAH has had such a severe addiction to crack that if he goes back out he would likely die this time. I have to understand that his drug use or potential death from it do not have anything to do with me. Tough words, tough concepts. But, I definitely do understand. It all is really really hard...no doubt about that. I think that we stay alot of times until we are truly able to see that addiction is a no win situation. Our eventual choice becomes do you save yourself or not.

It helped me to learn all that I could about addiction and the progressive nature of the disease. Try to understand that even under the best case scenario (he gets into recovery) that it is a life long disease with possible relapse. Is this really the way that you want to live? Even when addicts do all the right things to recover there is no guarantee. I understand choosing to stay with one - because that is what I've done. But it's also meant that I've had to commit to growing and being strong enough to only rely on myself for my well-being. That's a TUFF way to be in a partnership.

Be gentle on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit for posting, learning, and getting to a meeting. There is absolutely no crime in loving an addict. Just be careful in regards to how close you chose to stand to one. It's taken be a long time to learn what detaching with love means.........

I really do understand and absolutely have no judgement....I definitely chose what everyone in the world told me not to do so I know what it's like.

You will find your way and you will know what to do....I promise.

Donna
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Old 02-13-2008, 09:49 AM
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Thank you TN and Light for your input.

I really don't have words for what is going on in my heart right now. I am so torn up. I am waiting for the first telephone call of the day today with bated breath. I sit in a panic wondering how he is going to be today. How can I continue to let myself live like this? Why do I? I just don't get it.

It just hurts that it keeps coming back to this and he is blind to it. He is so good at blocking things he doesn't want to think about out of his head. Unfortunately I am not. I just wish I had a way of getting through to him. I wish there was a way to take him out of his body and let him see what his behavior looks like from the outside. He really just doesn't get it.

I think too he is too comfortable with the fact that no matter what he does or says I am going to stand by him. That isn't the case. I will be there for him but not at the cost of my own sanity and that's what I fear I am beginning to lose. I can't get this off my mind today. That and something my friend said to me. She said M lives the life of a single guy and the has you on the side. The really struck me for 2 reasons: 1) it's true and 2) that's how my relationship is perceived to outsiders and that's just not right. Maybe I have been too lax this far and let him to whatever he wants. Am I right in laying down the law now?
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Old 02-13-2008, 10:09 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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My H thinks that because right now he does not make it obvious that he uses most days and does manage to string a few days together of not using that I should think that he is doing as he should that and his contribution to his own up keep is adequate.

He wants me to work with him doing something I really like to do. WE make a lot of cash doing it but he is always going for the cash drawer to get money for dope. This work always turns to a fight over him and his dope. He tries to act like that is not what we are fighting about but it is what we are fighting about. He tries all kinds of intimidating tactics that I just throw back at him.

I am very tired of this stuff. I have been just doing what I need to do for me...
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Old 02-13-2008, 11:03 AM
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Cate -

I think that only you can answer that question for yourself. The other questions that I would ask myself are: am I happy, secure, safe in this relationship? Can I rely on him to do what he says and say what he does? Do I spend my time away from him worrying about him or do I concentrate on my own life? Are there things that I should be doing instead of worrying/being unhappy about this relationship? Will things ever change if I keep on behaving in the ways that I have been behaving? Do I want to stay in this relationship it nothing changes? What would need to change for me to be happy in this relationship? What can I do to feel better about myself? If my best friend were in my shoes, what would I tell her to do? If your best girlfriend were treating you this way what would you do? Do I live in anxiety and fear of what my loved one might do? When I look at myself in the mirror, who and what do I see? Do I like what I see in my eyes?

I think that ultimately it becomes more about defining what you want in a relationship and will tolerate than telling him what to do or not. I stated to RAH (then ABF) that I would no longer be involved with an active addict.....not that he had to quit using drugs. Get the difference? It was all about me - not about him. The big catch is - I couldn't state that until I understood what I did want and what I would do in response to that. It's important not to pull a gun that you are not ready to shoot. Obviously, ABF could smell it that I was done...finito....because that is when he started thinking about what consequences he was willing to pay for his continued drug use. I will tell you that I had another go-round with him 18 years ago.....he chose cocaine that go-round. However, I knew that life with an addict was hell and the pain of losing that relationship was less than a life time of the other. So see, I realize that it had nothing to do with me this time....it had to do with the fact that he was done.

I think it's really important to do whatever it takes to get your heart and your head in the same place...otherwise, you are likely to participate in our own form of relapse. I can tell you already that things will never be the same between you again. Try and be realistic and look at what you do have and not what you wished you had. Things might someday be better...they might be worse - but they will never be the same. Once you've been lied to and trust has been broken it's never the same. Both parties have to be willing to work - at recovery and the relationship. One person can't carry this load by themselves. If you are having to ask if you are right to lay down the law you might want to step back and think about it some more.

I know that things are confusing for you right now. I will say that my 2 real deal breakers are using or cheating. If RAH were to pick up again then we'd be through unless he admitted himself to a rehab and demonstrated his sobriety (and not living in my home). There is no doubt in my mind because I trust myself now to know what is unacceptable in a relationship. A relationship with an addict is an oxymoron. Not truly possible. It's an addiction - mine is the user, his is the drug.

Get some rest and take care of yourself. Love, Donna
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Old 02-13-2008, 12:15 PM
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I agree with lightseeker, nobody can tell you what to do. You have to follow your heart and gut. Some times we know what we need to do but it hurts to bad to do it.

I didn't lean on God at all before this, infact at one point he was the one I blamed for the pain in my life. Now he is to be the only one I can turn the worry over to, and other than some how just flat not loving my ABF any more, God is my HOPE. Nobody else can say let me have the stress of worring. It's easier than you think.
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Old 02-13-2008, 12:29 PM
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catecicc,
Hugs to you, I know how much you're hurting right now.

When I read your post, I compared it to something I have done with both of my addict sons, and that was, that I slowed their process of getting to their bottom, by being their safe place to fall.

Hopefully you will make it to some meetings, no, alot of meetings, and gain strength from others there. Start putting the focus on YOU. Let your abf's H.P. take care of him.
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