Pajarito

Hi all, I've been semi lurking due to an amazing amount of work right now, however I wanted to throw something in here that I have learned recently that may be helpful for those of us who keep getting hooked in. I've seen variations of that problem here a lot lately- and I know it has been a huge problem for me with my AH. I've felt sorry for him. He's behaved like he can't do something, so I jump in and do it for him. We are separated right now and in the process of divorce, so sometimes he puts on his sad face, and I get hooked in. He tries his quacking and I jump in to defend myself or explain my point of view. . . on and on. My point is- he's behaving in a fragile way. As an adult being fragile is not a positive thing. Do I want to live my life with a fragile adult who has the ability to take care of himself but does not, who should have the ability to make mature, rational choices but chooses not to- No. If I choose that I am choosing not to take care of myself. I am choosing to take care of a man who behaves like a child.

I- for some reason- thought- "oh poor him, he's sick, he's so vulnerable." I don't know why but I used that word one day with my counselor. She immediately told me that I have been vulnerable. He has not. He has been fragile- big difference. I have owned what I need to own in our relationship. I have admitted my wrongs- THAT is being vulnerable- stepping forward and admitting we are human. He has not been able to do that. Everything is MY fault. Being vulnerable is a desirable trait we should have as adults. Being fragile is not desirable- it's something we see in children- and that is something to be compassionate about. But an adult? No- I choose to be compassionate about his alcoholism- not his fragility. He's a grown man. So, when he behaves like he cannot take care of himself, when he tries to blame me for everything, when he makes sad eyes at me but continues to do nothing to help himself, I tell myself that he is an adult, he has choices, I am only 50% of our relationship. It has been hard, but I think something very important to my recovery. It has helped me to see him differently. Yes, he is sick, but I cannot do anything to "make" him choose to get better. Falling for his fragility does neither of us any good. Something to think about. . .