considering the '3rd try'
wow, i haven't been here in forever, but I found my way back today.
As briefly as possible: I have been separated from my AH for almost 2 years. He has been clean for the same period of time.
I filed for divorce, actually I continued on w/the divorce proceeding in March 2006 when I asked him to leave after our 5 month stint of reconcile didn't work because he went back on drugs.
Well, the divorce still isn't final, and the last month or so I have been having conflicting feelings. The finalization of the divorce is nearing, with final paperwork everything would be ready for signature in say a few weeks.
He is an active member of NA, has commitments thru them and all of that, does well w/our kids when it's his time with them, and , he's never given up on wanting us to save our marriage.
I for the last 2 years have taken care of me and my battered soul, raised our kids, read so many al anon and coda based books that I think I could recite pages, and , for all intensive purposes felt I had moved on from him.
I shut him out and cut him off completely unless it had to do w/our kids. Well, little things like him texting me good morning, turned into 30 minute phone conversations, and me looking at him and now saying (to myself) "wow, I think we can do this. I think it can work"
he came over for superbowl yesterday, just hung out, no romance or anything other than a hug goodbye, and a 1 minute shoulder rub, but we had a good time, the kids and us, it was the family again. Our family.
omg, I can't believe that I am feeling this way. My friends at al anon say it would be like starting over, as friends, then dates, you know, then go from there. In other words It wouldn't be like "ok just move on back in ". All I know is that he is on my mind like he hasn't been in over 2 years. Make that 3 years, 4+ really. I feel refreshed for lack of a better word and feel he has a major grasp on his recovery and sobriety. I mean he's secretary of one meeting, treasurer of some other, hotline help on some days... I feel like we can do this.
Am I crazy???
Am I crazy??????