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considering the '3rd try'

Old 02-04-2008, 01:40 PM
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considering the '3rd try'

wow, i haven't been here in forever, but I found my way back today.

As briefly as possible: I have been separated from my AH for almost 2 years. He has been clean for the same period of time.

I filed for divorce, actually I continued on w/the divorce proceeding in March 2006 when I asked him to leave after our 5 month stint of reconcile didn't work because he went back on drugs.

Well, the divorce still isn't final, and the last month or so I have been having conflicting feelings. The finalization of the divorce is nearing, with final paperwork everything would be ready for signature in say a few weeks.

He is an active member of NA, has commitments thru them and all of that, does well w/our kids when it's his time with them, and , he's never given up on wanting us to save our marriage.

I for the last 2 years have taken care of me and my battered soul, raised our kids, read so many al anon and coda based books that I think I could recite pages, and , for all intensive purposes felt I had moved on from him.

I shut him out and cut him off completely unless it had to do w/our kids. Well, little things like him texting me good morning, turned into 30 minute phone conversations, and me looking at him and now saying (to myself) "wow, I think we can do this. I think it can work"

he came over for superbowl yesterday, just hung out, no romance or anything other than a hug goodbye, and a 1 minute shoulder rub, but we had a good time, the kids and us, it was the family again. Our family.

omg, I can't believe that I am feeling this way. My friends at al anon say it would be like starting over, as friends, then dates, you know, then go from there. In other words It wouldn't be like "ok just move on back in ". All I know is that he is on my mind like he hasn't been in over 2 years. Make that 3 years, 4+ really. I feel refreshed for lack of a better word and feel he has a major grasp on his recovery and sobriety. I mean he's secretary of one meeting, treasurer of some other, hotline help on some days... I feel like we can do this.


Am I crazy???

Am I crazy??????
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Old 02-04-2008, 03:26 PM
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Hello Neverending,
You said 3rd time. Is this in any way similar to the 1st or 2nd times?

This is just my experience- the 3rd time was not a positive experience for me. Here is what I wish I had taken a closer look at. Not his program, not his words, his LIFE!! Had HE cleaned up the wreckage??

Simple ?'s I wish I had asked. Other than "working" on his health and recovery- what other things had he been working on and devoting his time and energy to.
Was his career and job steady.. or were there a lot of changes?
Was the bank account building and credit debt decreasing?
Friends- did we still have "mutual friends"- people we both knew and talked to, could feel very comfortable calling and talking with? Spending time TOGETHER with.
(mine had 2 kinds of friends- the using one's- who I don't have to go into- but then the "recovery" friends- and well mine were the one's who were there for US as a family and couple.

I hate to admit it- but honestly I believe that mine didn't want the divorce either- but it wasn't his love of me. He just didn't want to have to pay child support and have days where he was 100% responsible for them- we were NOT partnered as parents any more.

You said you've been raising the kids- has he taken an active part? I'm not talking showing up at the conference- I mean helping with the homework? If they are sick or have a vacation day, does he take off of work? Does he and is he able to go to their activities alone- or does he always go with you?

Of course mine didn't want a divorce- he would not have been partnered with me- parenting. He would have been seen as completely seperate- his own person. And... well on top of having to PAY child-support- he would have had to call and ASK me nicely to "help" him out if he had something he wanted or needed to do- that evening or weekend- and been grateful!! He also would have had to do the holidays and birthdays on his own. Not to mention do his own housecleaning and laundry!! OR pay the cleaning lady!!

In a sober house- apt- he appeared to be functioning quite well. Not a lot of responsibilities there. If anything breaks.. lawns to mow.. or snow to shovel.
Okay you can laugh- heck I decorated the apt for him!! Even bought him the nice plant for the patio... it died!!

You know- we never got around to that couples counseling either... or talking much about the past- But he could talk the nicest talk, especially about someday... what he would do someday... for the kids and myself. No, when he wanted to- he could be very charming. The nicest, kindest, thoughtful person.

Another thing- I believe I was also his "cover"- he used me to use others. I understand to this day- he actually tells others that I remarryed him!!! I think he thinks that makes him also look like he is in recovery- the family man- all that stuff.

Anyway- if this sounds or feels at all familiar. I would think twice about halting the divorce. Legal freedom from his choices, actions and consequences.
You can always remarry in the future.

That's just my experience- not a good one. I also wish I could say- it was just the 3rd time.. I lost count!!
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Old 02-04-2008, 06:37 PM
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Wow - sounds promising but I agree that you should take it VERY VERY slowly. If it's going to work out, he will be patient and understanding while you process this. Falling in love with the same person over and over again to me seems like a sign that you would be meant to be together BUT, I'm a hopeless romantic and it's never gotten me anywhere. I don't want to be cynical either and I love happy endings (who doesn't?).

Keep us updated on your situation. That flip-flop in your stomach is a high we all chase. Addiction to a feeling, idea or ideal maybe.
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:50 AM
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I agree with the others.If it were me I would still divorce him,if you want to date again SLOWLY that would be great. Remember this God awful disease is very patient,waiting to rear it's ugly head again.Don't lose yourself in him again,when things are going well it is very easy to forget history. Take care Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 02-05-2008, 05:07 AM
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I would also urge extreme caution. It is very easy to get caught up in the intensity of these relationships. The third time I reconciled-yep filed for divorce three times previous-with my exah, it was all hearts and flowers; we even had this romantic little wedding ceremony as a recommitment thing and a honeymoon.

Reality returned very quickly when I discovered he really wasn't working at our business, just leaving the house every day acting like he was. And of course, the drugs re-appeared. And of course it was all my fault because I didn't make him happy......

I can admit now that I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach the whole time, but I thought (wanted desperately to believe) that he meant what he said and he really had changed. In truth, underneath it all, I was really just terrified of what he would put me through if I didn't reconcile, and of being alone. I was still holding on to the fairytale....

On the other hand, mine never admitted a drug problem, never worked a program. Take it slow. If your h is truly recovered, he won't push you and he will understand. Once you drop the legal action, it's too late.....
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Old 02-05-2008, 08:44 AM
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I don't think you are crazy. You know some do recover from drugs and stay clean.

I know in some states that when a divorce is filed you are able to obtain a reconciliation order. It puts the divorce on hold and if things don't work out-the divorce is back on.

Just be cautious. He should know he has a long way to go to regain your trust. I think he knows he has your love.
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Old 02-05-2008, 09:32 AM
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Wow...neverending...it has been a long time indeed!
People do find sobriety and recover. Look at the many that visit this board who have recovered from addiction. But remember...they will be the first to tell you that there are no guarantees. Relapse is a reality with addicts.

I think if you are trying to make a decision you need to question how comfortable you would be giving it a 3rd try after having been through all you've been through. How much do you trust him? Are there still things that bother you about his behavior? Has he proven his reliability?

I'm just posing questions that I would pose to myself. My divorce was final in June of 2007. Two months later is when he decided it was time and he had hit his bottom. So now he's sober and recovering. I say good for him...it's what i always wanted...to see him living life not ruled by a substance. i keep in close contact with him, practically everyday, on a purely friendly non-romantic level. It's nice to watch him become a "man". He wants to reconcile but what keeps me grounded are reminders of what used to be.
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