"I just don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself."---you don't HAVE to learn...you don't have to be the person who learns how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself. Maybe your dissatisfaction comes from a feeling like YOU are violating your own standards by staying with someone like this. Maybe this isn't healthy for you.
"Or is it that he isn't helping himself on MY schedule?
Am I judgmental here?
Am I supposed to say nothing? "
It seems like there are two issues here.
One, that your boyfriend is acoa.
Two, you realize this relationship is not working for you.
There is no way you or any of us can help him decide to work on his acoa issues. I think of the three C's...I didn't Cause (him to be acoa)...I can't Control (his being an acoa)....and I can't Cure (him).
So what if he does get help with acoa? Does that mean the relationship will work out? Like a dear member said in another forum, "Play the tape out. Play the tape all the way through to the end." I only say this because I sometimes think, "If xyz were to happen, I would be so much happier"----"magical thinking" is the *nice* way to put it....
In some cases, when people begin recovery, they break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend altogether because they find out that the relationship was too dysfunctional, for both the man and the woman.
I can tell you that if I choose to stay with someone I am dissatisfied with, and outline that dissatisfaction with them each chance I get, I am not doing myself or the other person any favors...I am not helping them face their "issues". I am only continuing dysfunction. If anything, I am clouding the issues by being a distraction and taking away from the "issues". All of the sudden, I BECOME THE #1 "issue", as I think you have heard from your boyfriend.
You have choices? What are they?
I recommend al-anon meetings. I entered al-anon because I tried to manage my parents alcoholism----which made my life unmanageable. Are you trying to "manage" your boyfriends acoa? Do you find your life becoming more and more unmanageable? Al-anon is for family and friends affected by alchoholism. Are you being affected by your boyfriends acoa issues?
If anyone tells you, "You can't go to al-anon.", just keep going until you find the "right" meeting for you. I know those affected by someone being acoa could have gone to my home group.
Just some thoughts....