When it rains it pours!

Old 01-30-2008, 10:10 PM
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When it rains it pours!

Ohhh! I'm so frustrated. My bf is an addict and ACOA. Most of the time we get along really well, but one thing that has been a constant source of friction, especially the more I work on my own recovery, is the fact that he doesn't think he needs to. He is so self aware on some levels,, but when it comes to other things, like getting therapy, or a job he likes (he graduated college magna *** luade) or finding ways to have fun, it's like he shuts down.

At first, when he quit drugs, he decided he didn't like NA. I can't fault him for that since I found that one on one therapy worked better for me. But he won't do anything. I have even told him about SR, but he is sarcastic in response. We have had many fights about his past drinking and going out to bars all the time by himself. Sometimes spending fifty bucks a pop after work (he works nights) sitting at the place by himself or talking to "friends".

The bar stuff was actually about a year ago. He has pretty much stopped that behavior except times like tonight when he wants to go for a drink. In the past I would lecture, fight, nag, but from reading here I now know that is codie behavior so I simply said, "do what you want." Then there was the sullen attitude b/c I didn't say "cool, have fun" and he tells me he should be able to go out if he wants and how can I expect him to just sit at home and stare at the walls when I'm not available? I told him I don't expect that but that it isn't my job to figure out ways for him not to be bored. Geez, this is getting long. I just don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself.

Or is it that he isn't helping himself on MY schedule? He tells me that I need to relax, but I don't feel like heading straight to a bar when you feel the urge to "get out of the house" is healthy. Am I judgmental here? Am I supposed to say nothing? I don't know what to do. I am not ACOA and don't really know good ways of dealing with his characteristics. I read the stickies and they fit him. But I can tell that he is resentful of me not liking his desire to go out alone. If anyone has insight I welcome it. I feel like the crazy nag and I didn't used to be her!
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Old 01-31-2008, 05:54 AM
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Simple-sorry that you are going through this-

I just don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself.
I have learned that when I take the focus off of someone else i.e. addict or who ever it maybe that is creating me to feel that I cannot have a relationship-with them, my life becomes more managable. I try re-evaluate myself-and if I see myself as "nagging" or anything of that nature I realize that I'm not happy with me! I cannot change or control anyone's life but my own-

Being an ACoA myself I truly believe that it is up to me to get the help that I need-to live my life in the way that I want to live it. This goes for anyone not just someone who is an ACoA!

If someone wants to come along for the ride and support me then GREAT! If I choose not to change or do anything about myself and people start to move away from me-they are doing it for themselves and their own well being. When I nag someone it only creates more chaos for myself-If I stop and control my own life and do what I feel is right-for ME-life becomes easier.

If I feel that I cannot have someone in my life that is not taking care of themselves then I need to do something about that for ME not them!

We all have choices in this life.....but our choices are for our own life not someone elses.

Good Luck to you

Keep posting-
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Old 01-31-2008, 06:41 AM
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I was in a relationship pretty much identical to what you're describing. This was years ago. Things got worse and worse and worse until one day he became furious over (no joke) a potted plant, saying that I was holding him back and I was totally selfish and all kinds of other pretty mean nasty things to me. It was a wake up call for me.

His problems are not your problems. Your answer of "do what you want" is dead on, but it doesn't sound like you really believe that he can and *will* do what he wants. Including baiting you into arguments so that he can blame you for whatever is messed up in his life.

He won't change unless *he* wants to change. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you can find peace in your own mind and decide what you want for *your* life. When was the last time you thought "I'd really like to do XYZ" where the statement didn't involve him in some way? That's taking care of you.

As for my story - he eventually tried to kill me. I broke off the engagement and told him to go find someplace else to live. He left me in 5 digits of debt. It took a long time to dig out of that hole. The only thing I have to thank him for is that he made me hit bottom and start my process of recovery. I am not the same person now that I was then, and for that I am greatful.
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Old 01-31-2008, 07:45 AM
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"I just don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself."---you don't HAVE to learn...you don't have to be the person who learns how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself. Maybe your dissatisfaction comes from a feeling like YOU are violating your own standards by staying with someone like this. Maybe this isn't healthy for you.

"Or is it that he isn't helping himself on MY schedule?
Am I judgmental here?
Am I supposed to say nothing? "

It seems like there are two issues here.

One, that your boyfriend is acoa.

Two, you realize this relationship is not working for you.

There is no way you or any of us can help him decide to work on his acoa issues. I think of the three C's...I didn't Cause (him to be acoa)...I can't Control (his being an acoa)....and I can't Cure (him).

So what if he does get help with acoa? Does that mean the relationship will work out? Like a dear member said in another forum, "Play the tape out. Play the tape all the way through to the end." I only say this because I sometimes think, "If xyz were to happen, I would be so much happier"----"magical thinking" is the *nice* way to put it....

In some cases, when people begin recovery, they break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend altogether because they find out that the relationship was too dysfunctional, for both the man and the woman.

I can tell you that if I choose to stay with someone I am dissatisfied with, and outline that dissatisfaction with them each chance I get, I am not doing myself or the other person any favors...I am not helping them face their "issues". I am only continuing dysfunction. If anything, I am clouding the issues by being a distraction and taking away from the "issues". All of the sudden, I BECOME THE #1 "issue", as I think you have heard from your boyfriend.

You have choices? What are they?

I recommend al-anon meetings. I entered al-anon because I tried to manage my parents alcoholism----which made my life unmanageable. Are you trying to "manage" your boyfriends acoa? Do you find your life becoming more and more unmanageable? Al-anon is for family and friends affected by alchoholism. Are you being affected by your boyfriends acoa issues?

If anyone tells you, "You can't go to al-anon.", just keep going until you find the "right" meeting for you. I know those affected by someone being acoa could have gone to my home group.

Just some thoughts....
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Old 01-31-2008, 09:43 AM
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Wow, you all made some really good points. Thank you so much! I am trying to get better at taking care of myself...I'm going to school full time, and thankfully that forces me to focus, but it does get hard. I find myself trying to finish homework by certain times so I can hang out and he won't feel compelled to go out. I see the rediculsouness of this however.

I get so frustrated when he tells me how he's made all of "these changes" and I'm "still not happy". I can't say anything to it b/c the few times I told him he shouldn't have done it for me, he rebutts with how it was mostly for "us". I can't help but feel if that were the case he wouldn't have the resentment about me "not appreciating" his efforts.

I am going to look for a local al-anon meeting today and hopefully I will be able to get some tools for myself. Thanks for the suggestions, you were all very helpful.
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Old 01-31-2008, 10:51 AM
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"I am going to look for a local al-anon meeting today and hopefully I will be able to get some tools for myself."

Good Luck with those meetings! Glad to see this! Keep us posted on how it went.
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Old 01-31-2008, 04:13 PM
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Hi Syrup,

Hugs to you, for trying to make this all work out well for everyone.

One red flag for me is that your boyfriend is an addict, and is still going out to the bars. As in, at all. That in itself shows that he seems to be pretty loosy-goosey about his recovery, at least in my book.

The other is something that I too had to struggle with, and that was the cold hard truth you mention in your post: Sure, he has a right to go have fun, or learn something, or entertain himself while you are busy.

But do you necessarily WANT to be with someone for whom the top of the list of "things to do with the spare hours in my day" is to go get drunk? (or just drink)

Early on in my life, I didn't mind. I did it myself and it was fun.

Later on, I started to question that, especially when I started hanging around with people who used their time to study, read great books, teach themselves carpentry, start a garden, play with animals, go to the gym or to the trail to run, learn how to make a web site, talk on the phone to their parents, draw, paint, learn an instrument, learn Italian, become a great cook, be with friends doing something, etc. etc. etc.

I started finding those people more compelling, and eventually ended up marrying one. When this one gets bored, or I'm busy studying (I work full time and go to school full time) he works on his car, wrestles with the dogs, works on his budget, invites a friend over for a beer and a game of guitar hero, talks to his mom on the phone..........the bar just isn't a magnet any more.

Those are a couple of things you may want to write about in your journal or talk to someone about: is this the life I want? Is this the solid, supportive, trusting relationship I had envisioned for myself?

I respect that he made many changes because it was worth it for the two of you to be together. Ideally, they're doing it for themselves only, but there's something valid about seeing the value in your relationship as part of that.

But he's playing with fire, still using drinking as his primary form of entertainment. Addicts relapse often enough without tempting the fates like that. I think, in your heart of hearts, that is what's driving your stress. He's still in unhealthy patterns (and not working any sort of program) and you know that puts him, and you & him, at risk. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Unfortunately for him, the only way through this is to have a gently honest conversation along the lines of what you originally posted. No guilt, no threats, just "am I being reasonable?....This is what worries me the most....Is there some way to meet halfway here?"

And if that's not the kind of conversation he's capable of having, then you need to add that into the equation. There are rocky roads ahead if he won't act like a true partner.

Love,
GL
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Old 02-02-2008, 11:14 AM
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GiveLove,
Thank you for that. I see what you are saying, and it makes sense. About a year ago (when he was actually getting drunk every day) I did have a conversation like that, and he was receptive. He stopped going out and took up boxing and lost nearly 60 pounds, actually!

I have just noticed a couple of times in the last 6 months where it turns in to, "well, I can go for one drink, I need to get out of the house..." He works till 11 p.m. and says there is nothing else to do out of the house at that hour. I don't know, perhaps he just wants a different kind of lifestyle than I do...

At any rate, I found an ACOA AL-Anon meeting in my area that meets next week and I'm looking forward to trying that.

I'll post an update on how it went.
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