When it rains it pours!
Ohhh! I'm so frustrated. My bf is an addict and ACOA. Most of the time we get along really well, but one thing that has been a constant source of friction, especially the more I work on my own recovery, is the fact that he doesn't think he needs to. He is so self aware on some levels,, but when it comes to other things, like getting therapy, or a job he likes (he graduated college magna *** luade) or finding ways to have fun, it's like he shuts down.
At first, when he quit drugs, he decided he didn't like NA. I can't fault him for that since I found that one on one therapy worked better for me. But he won't do anything. I have even told him about SR, but he is sarcastic in response. We have had many fights about his past drinking and going out to bars all the time by himself. Sometimes spending fifty bucks a pop after work (he works nights) sitting at the place by himself or talking to "friends".
The bar stuff was actually about a year ago. He has pretty much stopped that behavior except times like tonight when he wants to go for a drink. In the past I would lecture, fight, nag, but from reading here I now know that is codie behavior so I simply said, "do what you want." Then there was the sullen attitude b/c I didn't say "cool, have fun" and he tells me he should be able to go out if he wants and how can I expect him to just sit at home and stare at the walls when I'm not available? I told him I don't expect that but that it isn't my job to figure out ways for him not to be bored. Geez, this is getting long. I just don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to help himself.
Or is it that he isn't helping himself on MY schedule? He tells me that I need to relax, but I don't feel like heading straight to a bar when you feel the urge to "get out of the house" is healthy. Am I judgmental here? Am I supposed to say nothing? I don't know what to do. I am not ACOA and don't really know good ways of dealing with his characteristics. I read the stickies and they fit him. But I can tell that he is resentful of me not liking his desire to go out alone. If anyone has insight I welcome it. I feel like the crazy nag and I didn't used to be her!