realityislife

This could get to be a long story, and it's late here on the east coast, and I have work early tomorrow, and for about 11 hours. I'll attempt to keep this short.

I'm 22 years old. My mother is the alcoholic here, and she has been since I was about 10. I want to blame that on my parent's divorce, but the little voice inside of me tells me not to, that there is not cause for it. It's easier to blame all of this heartache on a circumstance in the past than to say that it is just something that "just is". I'm the only child from my parent's together, but the first of 3 from my father. He remarried, I loved my step-mother, couldn't have been happier. I feel very distanced from him lately, and I'm not 100% sure why. He co-signed a loan for me about 3 years ago, which I am still paying back, but not regularly and that makes me feel like he just doesn't love me anymore. I have angry spouts, for almost no reason. I'll be at work and just completely pleasant one moment, and then a customer will come in and ask me one question that I just didn't feel like answering, and I'll be a complete bi**h to them!! I have tendencies to always find the good in any situation, and I have a hard time being stern to someone when I should be!!

After reading a lot of posts on here, I realize that I'm not alone, and I am grateful for all of that. I also starting thinking back on my childhood, and what I remember, and what I don't. I really do not remember a whole lot, although most of what I do remember is good. I know my mother loves me, she never once made it apparent that she didn't. I have 3 memories in particular of her drinking when I was very young. One was me telling her that her breath smelled bad while she was tucking me in, and her telling me that I smell bad... another was when I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and my bedroom door was locked with a chair holding it closed on the other side, and another was when I tried to sneak a sip of soda while she was in the bathroom, I loved soda but couldn't have it everyday and this soda tasted awful! I realize now that it had to be the vodka that was in it.

She didn't admit she was an alcoholic until I was 17. I'm almost certain that if her 2 sisters didn't bust in the house one day when I said that I found a bottle of vodka under her pillow, she wouldn't have admitted it. It took her 4 years to get sober from that point. She was in 5 rehabs and detox more times than you can imagine. She finally hit rock bottom one Christmas when she was living in the woods in 20 degree weather. She got help. She got sober. I decided that maybe us living together would be something good. About 4 months ago she started drinking again. I knew she was drinking because of the condition of the house and the fact that it smelled like a vodka brewery in there. She used up the security deposit without me knowing, and drank it all. I found 17 empty bottles of vodka within 10-12 days. It was hearbreaking. I brought her to the hospital 3 times within the past month and this last time I brought her there, waited for her to pass out and then left. I still feel horrible about this. She called me the next day to pick her up and I said NO. Probably the healthiest thing I have done since I'm 12. I'm at a loss here, I did not consider myself an angry person until I read some posts here and could relate to so much! That and the 13 characteristics listed in here really hit me hard. I don't relate to all 13, but a good 10 of them are things I experience on a daily basis.

Are all of those characteristics defense mechanisms??

Anyway, I needed that venting session! I write in a journal all the time, and I have a few best friends that would do the world for me if I asked, but it's just not the same. They aren't going through the heartache that I am and they can't relate.

Thanks for listening...errr reading this. Some extra positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated, but I understand if you're all too busy.

Thank You again,