New here, not new to the disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: St. James, NY
Posts: 4
New here, not new to the disease.
This could get to be a long story, and it's late here on the east coast, and I have work early tomorrow, and for about 11 hours. I'll attempt to keep this short.
I'm 22 years old. My mother is the alcoholic here, and she has been since I was about 10. I want to blame that on my parent's divorce, but the little voice inside of me tells me not to, that there is not cause for it. It's easier to blame all of this heartache on a circumstance in the past than to say that it is just something that "just is". I'm the only child from my parent's together, but the first of 3 from my father. He remarried, I loved my step-mother, couldn't have been happier. I feel very distanced from him lately, and I'm not 100% sure why. He co-signed a loan for me about 3 years ago, which I am still paying back, but not regularly and that makes me feel like he just doesn't love me anymore. I have angry spouts, for almost no reason. I'll be at work and just completely pleasant one moment, and then a customer will come in and ask me one question that I just didn't feel like answering, and I'll be a complete bi**h to them!! I have tendencies to always find the good in any situation, and I have a hard time being stern to someone when I should be!!
After reading a lot of posts on here, I realize that I'm not alone, and I am grateful for all of that. I also starting thinking back on my childhood, and what I remember, and what I don't. I really do not remember a whole lot, although most of what I do remember is good. I know my mother loves me, she never once made it apparent that she didn't. I have 3 memories in particular of her drinking when I was very young. One was me telling her that her breath smelled bad while she was tucking me in, and her telling me that I smell bad... another was when I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and my bedroom door was locked with a chair holding it closed on the other side, and another was when I tried to sneak a sip of soda while she was in the bathroom, I loved soda but couldn't have it everyday and this soda tasted awful! I realize now that it had to be the vodka that was in it.
She didn't admit she was an alcoholic until I was 17. I'm almost certain that if her 2 sisters didn't bust in the house one day when I said that I found a bottle of vodka under her pillow, she wouldn't have admitted it. It took her 4 years to get sober from that point. She was in 5 rehabs and detox more times than you can imagine. She finally hit rock bottom one Christmas when she was living in the woods in 20 degree weather. She got help. She got sober. I decided that maybe us living together would be something good. About 4 months ago she started drinking again. I knew she was drinking because of the condition of the house and the fact that it smelled like a vodka brewery in there. She used up the security deposit without me knowing, and drank it all. I found 17 empty bottles of vodka within 10-12 days. It was hearbreaking. I brought her to the hospital 3 times within the past month and this last time I brought her there, waited for her to pass out and then left. I still feel horrible about this. She called me the next day to pick her up and I said NO. Probably the healthiest thing I have done since I'm 12. I'm at a loss here, I did not consider myself an angry person until I read some posts here and could relate to so much! That and the 13 characteristics listed in here really hit me hard. I don't relate to all 13, but a good 10 of them are things I experience on a daily basis.
Are all of those characteristics defense mechanisms??
Anyway, I needed that venting session! I write in a journal all the time, and I have a few best friends that would do the world for me if I asked, but it's just not the same. They aren't going through the heartache that I am and they can't relate.
Thanks for listening...errr reading this. Some extra positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated, but I understand if you're all too busy.
Thank You again,
I'm 22 years old. My mother is the alcoholic here, and she has been since I was about 10. I want to blame that on my parent's divorce, but the little voice inside of me tells me not to, that there is not cause for it. It's easier to blame all of this heartache on a circumstance in the past than to say that it is just something that "just is". I'm the only child from my parent's together, but the first of 3 from my father. He remarried, I loved my step-mother, couldn't have been happier. I feel very distanced from him lately, and I'm not 100% sure why. He co-signed a loan for me about 3 years ago, which I am still paying back, but not regularly and that makes me feel like he just doesn't love me anymore. I have angry spouts, for almost no reason. I'll be at work and just completely pleasant one moment, and then a customer will come in and ask me one question that I just didn't feel like answering, and I'll be a complete bi**h to them!! I have tendencies to always find the good in any situation, and I have a hard time being stern to someone when I should be!!
After reading a lot of posts on here, I realize that I'm not alone, and I am grateful for all of that. I also starting thinking back on my childhood, and what I remember, and what I don't. I really do not remember a whole lot, although most of what I do remember is good. I know my mother loves me, she never once made it apparent that she didn't. I have 3 memories in particular of her drinking when I was very young. One was me telling her that her breath smelled bad while she was tucking me in, and her telling me that I smell bad... another was when I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and my bedroom door was locked with a chair holding it closed on the other side, and another was when I tried to sneak a sip of soda while she was in the bathroom, I loved soda but couldn't have it everyday and this soda tasted awful! I realize now that it had to be the vodka that was in it.
She didn't admit she was an alcoholic until I was 17. I'm almost certain that if her 2 sisters didn't bust in the house one day when I said that I found a bottle of vodka under her pillow, she wouldn't have admitted it. It took her 4 years to get sober from that point. She was in 5 rehabs and detox more times than you can imagine. She finally hit rock bottom one Christmas when she was living in the woods in 20 degree weather. She got help. She got sober. I decided that maybe us living together would be something good. About 4 months ago she started drinking again. I knew she was drinking because of the condition of the house and the fact that it smelled like a vodka brewery in there. She used up the security deposit without me knowing, and drank it all. I found 17 empty bottles of vodka within 10-12 days. It was hearbreaking. I brought her to the hospital 3 times within the past month and this last time I brought her there, waited for her to pass out and then left. I still feel horrible about this. She called me the next day to pick her up and I said NO. Probably the healthiest thing I have done since I'm 12. I'm at a loss here, I did not consider myself an angry person until I read some posts here and could relate to so much! That and the 13 characteristics listed in here really hit me hard. I don't relate to all 13, but a good 10 of them are things I experience on a daily basis.
Are all of those characteristics defense mechanisms??
Anyway, I needed that venting session! I write in a journal all the time, and I have a few best friends that would do the world for me if I asked, but it's just not the same. They aren't going through the heartache that I am and they can't relate.
Thanks for listening...errr reading this. Some extra positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated, but I understand if you're all too busy.
Thank You again,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello there and welcome to SR. Pull up a chair and learn and share with us.....we care very much about what is going on in YOUR life. We want you to remember the 3 C's hun. And they are:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
My daughter and my sons also but more my daughter is 22 and has lived with an alcoholic father all her life. She happened to be his "target" and she has a very hard time dealing with that today. None of my children respect their father and I don't blame them if they ever will. It has been 2.5 years since the kids have even talked to their dad and they say they never will again. If your mother refuses to get the help she needs and accepts it and I mean embraces that help then hunny you have to let go and let God . Her life will be in his hands and his alone. Nothing you do will help her. You cannot wish her well. You cannot love her well. ONLY she can help herself at this point. Is it possible for you to move out on your own to get away from the daily chaos of it?? If not then all you can do is live your life around it.......detach from it all even if you are still there.....and find some meetings around you ACOA, AA or Al-Anon....are all good starting points...
keep posting and click on any of our names to read our histories ok..
Janitw
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
My daughter and my sons also but more my daughter is 22 and has lived with an alcoholic father all her life. She happened to be his "target" and she has a very hard time dealing with that today. None of my children respect their father and I don't blame them if they ever will. It has been 2.5 years since the kids have even talked to their dad and they say they never will again. If your mother refuses to get the help she needs and accepts it and I mean embraces that help then hunny you have to let go and let God . Her life will be in his hands and his alone. Nothing you do will help her. You cannot wish her well. You cannot love her well. ONLY she can help herself at this point. Is it possible for you to move out on your own to get away from the daily chaos of it?? If not then all you can do is live your life around it.......detach from it all even if you are still there.....and find some meetings around you ACOA, AA or Al-Anon....are all good starting points...
keep posting and click on any of our names to read our histories ok..
Janitw
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
(((realityil)))
I want to say, first, I grieve with you for what you have lost in life to alcoholism. I also have hope for what you can regain for yourself through recovery.
Validation of what you have been through, accepting that yourself and then sharing what happened to you with another, is a solid first step to dealing with being an acoa. What you are going through is painful, I know, and it is NOT o.k. We family members of alcoholics deserve so much better, but alcoholism takes that, and many other important aspects of health, away. I am not angry with the alcoholic but I HATE this disease.
"I feel very distanced from him lately, and I'm not 100% sure why....that makes me feel like he just doesn't love me anymore."---I am guessing here, but it is interesting to note, that this distance you feel coincides with the progression of your mothers disease. It could be that he is overwhelmed with what you are going through with alcoholism and the effect it has had on you. He may be trying to detach from the chaos and destruction of the disease...BUT NOT YOU.
Maybe you could talk with him about this...maybe out for coffee or whatever would be comfortable for you both. Better to bring the subject up with him, *when you are ready* than to think something negative is going on.
A saying that helped me was "Monsters live in the dark."..and by that, I don't mean your dad is a monster, or your mom....the monster is that sense of "what the heck is going on with dad" and all the doubts that go with it. Maybe talking about the issue with him would give you a sense of relief. Acoa's are terrified of situations where *they feel* that they are being rejected. So this is why this seems worth noting, in my humble opinion.
"I brought her to the hospital 3 times within the past month and this last time I brought her there, waited for her to pass out and then left. I still feel horrible about this."---I don't feel that you did anything wrong. I read a similar post recently about an individual who felt terrible about not visiting their A parent in the hospital. All kinds of guilt were being piled on this person...like they were torturing the parent by not visiting. You are NOT a bad person like your acoa-guilt tries to convince you...you are an acoa who has had enough. This is healthy. You don't have to torture yourself at the hospital if you chose not to. You have choices. Alcoholism is in control of your mom right now. Alcoholism and the choices your mom has made on disease-behalf, landed her in the hospital. You are not responsible for this and you don't have to "pay".
"She called me the next day to pick her up and I said NO. Probably the healthiest thing I have done since I'm 12."---I agree. In light of this, think about the issue of leaving her at the hospital...I don't think it was terrible. You are begining to protect yourself. That is the least anyone deserves.
I found that going to open AA meetings helped me get an angle on alchoholics and what they think about these things (what they think of family members, in general and leaving them at the hospital, ect). I bet you some of those recovered A's would tell you that you leaving your mom at the hospital wasn't bad. It was also, very interesting to hear what some A's thought of their family members and their family members "help".
"Are all of those characteristics defense mechanisms??"---yes
"I write in a journal all the time"---this is great!
"I have a few best friends that would do the world for me if I asked, but it's just not the same. They aren't going through the heartache that I am and they can't relate."---I think you are coming to accept one of the realities of being an acoa...we need eachother and other al-anons. We need a good, solid group of people who DO understand and support us...friends and family of choice. For me, I realize this is essential for my recovery and maintenance of my recovery. This is the antidote to the acoa isolating him/her self.
"I don't relate to all 13, but a good 10 of them are things I experience on a daily basis."---same here!
SR is great and so is face to face meetings in acoa, alanon aa or any combination you choose. Good luck with that family of choice. Some find it helpful to go to those first meetings with a friend or friends. Your doing great and taking some important first steps...way to go! I look forward to getting to know you.
I want to say, first, I grieve with you for what you have lost in life to alcoholism. I also have hope for what you can regain for yourself through recovery.
Validation of what you have been through, accepting that yourself and then sharing what happened to you with another, is a solid first step to dealing with being an acoa. What you are going through is painful, I know, and it is NOT o.k. We family members of alcoholics deserve so much better, but alcoholism takes that, and many other important aspects of health, away. I am not angry with the alcoholic but I HATE this disease.
"I feel very distanced from him lately, and I'm not 100% sure why....that makes me feel like he just doesn't love me anymore."---I am guessing here, but it is interesting to note, that this distance you feel coincides with the progression of your mothers disease. It could be that he is overwhelmed with what you are going through with alcoholism and the effect it has had on you. He may be trying to detach from the chaos and destruction of the disease...BUT NOT YOU.
Maybe you could talk with him about this...maybe out for coffee or whatever would be comfortable for you both. Better to bring the subject up with him, *when you are ready* than to think something negative is going on.
A saying that helped me was "Monsters live in the dark."..and by that, I don't mean your dad is a monster, or your mom....the monster is that sense of "what the heck is going on with dad" and all the doubts that go with it. Maybe talking about the issue with him would give you a sense of relief. Acoa's are terrified of situations where *they feel* that they are being rejected. So this is why this seems worth noting, in my humble opinion.
"I brought her to the hospital 3 times within the past month and this last time I brought her there, waited for her to pass out and then left. I still feel horrible about this."---I don't feel that you did anything wrong. I read a similar post recently about an individual who felt terrible about not visiting their A parent in the hospital. All kinds of guilt were being piled on this person...like they were torturing the parent by not visiting. You are NOT a bad person like your acoa-guilt tries to convince you...you are an acoa who has had enough. This is healthy. You don't have to torture yourself at the hospital if you chose not to. You have choices. Alcoholism is in control of your mom right now. Alcoholism and the choices your mom has made on disease-behalf, landed her in the hospital. You are not responsible for this and you don't have to "pay".
"She called me the next day to pick her up and I said NO. Probably the healthiest thing I have done since I'm 12."---I agree. In light of this, think about the issue of leaving her at the hospital...I don't think it was terrible. You are begining to protect yourself. That is the least anyone deserves.
I found that going to open AA meetings helped me get an angle on alchoholics and what they think about these things (what they think of family members, in general and leaving them at the hospital, ect). I bet you some of those recovered A's would tell you that you leaving your mom at the hospital wasn't bad. It was also, very interesting to hear what some A's thought of their family members and their family members "help".
"Are all of those characteristics defense mechanisms??"---yes
"I write in a journal all the time"---this is great!
"I have a few best friends that would do the world for me if I asked, but it's just not the same. They aren't going through the heartache that I am and they can't relate."---I think you are coming to accept one of the realities of being an acoa...we need eachother and other al-anons. We need a good, solid group of people who DO understand and support us...friends and family of choice. For me, I realize this is essential for my recovery and maintenance of my recovery. This is the antidote to the acoa isolating him/her self.
"I don't relate to all 13, but a good 10 of them are things I experience on a daily basis."---same here!
SR is great and so is face to face meetings in acoa, alanon aa or any combination you choose. Good luck with that family of choice. Some find it helpful to go to those first meetings with a friend or friends. Your doing great and taking some important first steps...way to go! I look forward to getting to know you.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by Growing 
I read a similar post recently about an individual who felt terrible about not visiting their A parent in the hospital. All kinds of guilt were being piled on this person...like they were torturing the parent by not visiting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 19
RealityisLife,
Just wanted to send a warm hello and welcome to this wonderful forum and resource. My experience is not the same as yours, although I do live with an alcoholic.
It is WONDERFUL that you are writing in a journal. Writing/art are my therapies too. I hope you aren't like me for the first ten years and only writing about the sorrows. Our joys should be carved in stone and the sorrows written in the sand, as the saying goes.
I will pray for you. Keep going forward, pursuing healthy relationships everywhere you go =-)
Just wanted to send a warm hello and welcome to this wonderful forum and resource. My experience is not the same as yours, although I do live with an alcoholic.
It is WONDERFUL that you are writing in a journal. Writing/art are my therapies too. I hope you aren't like me for the first ten years and only writing about the sorrows. Our joys should be carved in stone and the sorrows written in the sand, as the saying goes.
I will pray for you. Keep going forward, pursuing healthy relationships everywhere you go =-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: St. James, NY
Posts: 4
Wow. I thank you all for all for your warm and heartfelt welcomes to this site. It means more than you probably think. I have started to look into Alanon meetings, but I'm so skeptical! I'm so afraid to walk in there, and I'm not sure why!! I'm a very outgoing person but I don't like talking about my problems. I'm good at writing down how I feel, but once it comes to the words leaving my mouth, I'm horrible!! I have that whole, I don't want to bother everyone else... I'm not the only one going through things and there are so many more people going through things right now!!! ARGHH I just haaate this disease and I'm trying so hard to distance myself from it. I moved out, but she still calls me everyday, says she loves me and I just have this feeling of emptiness when she says it.. how can I not say I love you too?? This is my mother we are talking about.. ugh. I'm just at a loss.
Thank you all again for taking the time to write back!! It made me have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside..
~Sara
Thank you all again for taking the time to write back!! It made me have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside..
~Sara
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there Realityislife, just wanted to say 'HI' and welcome to SR. Thanks for sharing your story, hope you stick around and keep posting, there are some really great people on this site and great help to go with it!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Sara,
I know what you mean about not wanting to bother others when you think they have their own problems and you should be handling yours like a "big" girl. What I've found out is that it is REALLY healthy for you to talk about what is happening to you, if only to just give voice to the insanity and then shed it. This is a great safe haven for you to do just that. No one's problems are any more or any less than yours! I've just recently allowed myself to open up a little on here, and so far no one has told me I can't
Plus, the sooner you start the process of taking care of yourself, the better. You wouldn't want to be 44 instead of 22 and STILL be feeling the same way! Learn all you can here about being the child of an alcoholic, both for surviving the present rough times with your mother, and for recognizing how many of us who had alcoholics parents wound up choosing one for a spouse. That way you can help yourself to break the cycle while you are still young, by knowing how likely you are to fall into that trap and choosing to avoid it. Take care of yourself, sweetie! You deserve the best out of life, but you have to choose what's best for you, every day.
I know what you mean about not wanting to bother others when you think they have their own problems and you should be handling yours like a "big" girl. What I've found out is that it is REALLY healthy for you to talk about what is happening to you, if only to just give voice to the insanity and then shed it. This is a great safe haven for you to do just that. No one's problems are any more or any less than yours! I've just recently allowed myself to open up a little on here, and so far no one has told me I can't
Plus, the sooner you start the process of taking care of yourself, the better. You wouldn't want to be 44 instead of 22 and STILL be feeling the same way! Learn all you can here about being the child of an alcoholic, both for surviving the present rough times with your mother, and for recognizing how many of us who had alcoholics parents wound up choosing one for a spouse. That way you can help yourself to break the cycle while you are still young, by knowing how likely you are to fall into that trap and choosing to avoid it. Take care of yourself, sweetie! You deserve the best out of life, but you have to choose what's best for you, every day.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"she still calls me everyday, says she loves me and I just have this feeling of emptiness when she says it.. how can I not say I love you too?? This is my mother we are talking about.. ugh."----I love my alcoholic mom and deceased father too....helping ourselves, taking care of ourselves, protecting ourselves and seperating ourselves from the active chaos of alcoholism is not the absence of love! You love your parent so much that you are not willing to sacrifice your own well being to this disease. You are not "loving" your parent by sacrificing yourself or your sanity. To quote The Promises: "With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows." Try not to beat yourself up for making healthy choices for you.
Heres a link: The Promises for Adult Children
The easiest thing to do is keep coming back to SR and learn from the wonderful people here.
Heres a link: The Promises for Adult Children
The easiest thing to do is keep coming back to SR and learn from the wonderful people here.
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