I know that you are not on a high horse, (not the nicest welcome from aa) but that you are in pain. I have been in the same pain, so from that I can share.
Seren is right, you can't see the forest for the trees. We can see more clearly, we can help....but you need to want it. We have not done anything that you can't do. Sobriety is one day away, just one day...This board is full of sober people, not all aa, so clearly it is not the only way, nor the right way, just another way. Lay aside what you think you know, and reach out, grab hold...and hang on.