-gray

hi, i'm gray, and i'm an alcoholic.
obviously i've been to A.A. in the past. it wasn't the most pleasant experience for me, but anybody that says A.A. is a fun ride is ridiculous. the point i'm trying to get at is that i am still a practicing alcoholic, and now i'll get to the point of this post.

i've recently received my third DWI, and i was sentenced to three months in the county jail, plus 42 days in an area rehab program. the main problem is that the rehab program wants an astronomical fee ($22,000 for 42 days!!!). i would have to have $5,500 just to show up...i do NOT have that kind of money! i worked two jobs for six days out of the week and could barely afford rent. the state is saying that i have to do this, and i don't even have a home right now, because i can't sign a lease since i have to go to jail. this angers me immensely...

...but i digress. where i'm getting at is that my uncle (who is really well-to-do) mentioned a program called "cenikor." he said it's a live-in program that you have to commit to for two years. for a second there, i was strongly considering it and was almost ready to sign up, especially since my uncle said he could whisper in a few ears and get all the charges dropped, all the fines waived, and even my past DWIs taken off my record; however, i did a little research into cenikor.

it basically sounds like they're a zombie production facility. i don't want to sign two years of my life away to be a corporate tool. when i was in A.A., i saw sponsors take advantage of people left and right. hiring people trying to get sober to do free work just for a cheese sandwich and a pack of cheap smokes, men sponsoring young girls just to get them in the sack, so on and so forth. in short, i don't trust ANYBODY, much less a place i'd have to move hundreds of miles away for and sign away my free will. it sounds like this is a program taking desperate people and working it out for their advantage.

i realize i'm jaded, and i realize that i'm new to these boards, but does anybody have any feedback? is anyone familiar with this cenikor program? i hope i didn't step on any toes, i'm just trying to take the easiest route with my life: do i want to spend the next four months in confinement and the next six or so years in debt, or do i want to change?

obviously, i'm terrified at the thought of change, but i realize that if i keep going on the way i am, i'm going to die (i'm about 125lbs and i drink a fifth of whiskey a day, at least, just to function). i know i have to want to change (trust me, i spent three years going to A.A.), but i also know that i can't get my head clear enough to decide until i get my head CLEAR.

basically, i'm screwed either way. buy the ticket, take the ride.

any feedback would be appreciated.
best,
-gray

Benker

Try NA meetings Im sure they have them where you live. Alcohol is a drug!

Benker

There might be a Celebrate Recovery meeting where you are. This site won't let me post it here till I have 15 posts LOL so this is the readable version

world wide web period celebrate recovery period com

then look on the menu to see how to get to look for meetings

good luck!

-gray

this is to the person who works for cenikor. it won't let me post private messages until i have five posts, so i have to reply to it here:

to be honest, i'm really leaning toward not going and just getting this jail out of the way. last night, my sister and brother in law told me i probably shouldn't, and i value their opinion. but to answer your question, it would be the fort worth facility, most likely. from what i understand, you have to really want to change, and i just don't think i'm to that point yet. i'm thinking that maybe if i could get sober for a few months (which i would have to do in jail and rehab), then i could get my head screwed on straight. but i do appreciate your feedback, and any additional information you could provide would be appreciated. i'm still not 100% sure on this matter.

to everyone else that has replied, thank you for your feedback.

all my best,
-gray

possiblyNuts

The court system can literally be insane. After I got my first (and only) DUI I got sentenced to probation. At the time I was going to college full time (actually more than a full course load), and working a part time job. My probation officer told me that I *had* to goto a local rehab center for outpatient treatment. That in itself wasn't a problem. But the thing is, they wanted more than four hundred dollars a week, and I would have to go for 4 days a week, 3 hours each day ! I told her I couldn't afford that, or even fit it into my busy schedule.. And her recommendation was to stop going to college and get a full time job to pay for it ! She said I would have to attend the rehab center 5 days a week for 3 months !!! I tried to get her to let me goto AA instead. But she said that wouldn't qualify ! It was ridiculous... Oh I forgot, she gave me a list of places that would be acceptable. When I located other treatment centers in my area that were cheaper and had better schedules, she said they wouldn't qualify ! It was almost like she was getting kick backs for sending people there !!!

Long story short.. I basically asked her what would happen if I refused to go, and she said I would goto jail for 180 days for violating my probation. So, I got a lawyer... technically 'violated' my probation, and ended up going to county jail for a week.


Makes you wonder why they are surprised that they bust the same people for possession in a week or two that they just got out of jail. Jail is not treatment for drug addiction! How is a true addict going to afford these treatments, or get the help they need. We seriously need some federal funded free rehab centers in America!

Sorry for the rant.. It gets me angry when I think about their methods of 'rehabilitation' (ie: jailtime and forced rehab at places that cost large amounts of money).

-gray

oh, would you like a TRUE gem? there's a girl i used to work with (she got fired because she's such a screw up) who is dating this guy. he recently got out of jail for beating the snot out of his last girlfriend - TWICE. the time he spent? thirty days for domestic battery. no anger management classes, nothing. thirty days, and he's back hitting the bars along with his new girlfriend.

i drove half a block with expired tags, got busted for a DWI, and i have to spent over four months of my life as a ward of the state, not to mention the thousands of dollars in debt i'm going to be in. i am NOT by any means defending drunk driving - i realize i made a mistake and how many people a year drunk driving kills, and agree that it was a very irresponsible thing to do, but that's just absurd. i would have to do less time and pay less money if i had just stayed at home and beat up my girlfriend than taking her out to the bar that night.

rant on, trust me. i find it very unsettling that our society punishes sick people worse than violent offenders, then forces them to pay ludicrous amounts of money for "helping them."

Miss Pink

AA = Free

Get off your high horse, dude. If you wanted to get sober bad enough, youd drop your ego and go.

You just want to take the easy, softer way, you dont want sobriety.

Anna

Wow, gray, your posts made my hair stand on end.

Sobriety isn't something you do for a few months while you're in jail and then your head is screwed on right. It doesn't work like that.

And, in my opinion DWI is a violent offense and you have been arrested three times for that -- please take a look at yourself.

bugsworth

Grey, in your original post you asked..."do I want to change?"

only you can answer that...but from my vantage point there doesn't seem to be much choice in the matter. You MUST change. You are not headed for disaster you have arrived....not too many yets left for you....

Do what you have to do to get sober. If not aa than another way....It isn't easy, but it can be done...

So do you want to change?

lovingseren

When I was drinking, I was angry at the whole world, and I blamed the whole world and it's dog.
It came as quite a shock when I realised, after I got sober, that I was captain of my own ship, and I had no one to blame but myself.
Taking responsibility for my actions has been key to my recovery, my emotional and spiritual growth.
When I was drinking, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

Seren

-gray

in all honesty, y'all are right. i hate the fact that i go through withdrawals and get shakes and have to basically drink to function, but if i wanted to change, i would.

i am NOT on a high horse. i am NOT egotistical.

i am not a violent person whatsoever. if anything, i'm overly passive. i suffer from major bouts of depression, have tried all sorts of medications, and all have failed. i can remember being sent to the ER a few times from having depressive episodes WHILE i was in A.A. and taking medication. all they would do is try a new batch of pills for me to take. A.A. is the LAST thing i want to get back into. there's too much self-loathing involved. it works for some, and i'm happy for them, but not for me. and don't tell me the "it works if you work it" line, i was in it for three years.

believe me...i relocated hundreds of miles away from home to get off of crack cocaine, meth, and prescription painkillers. i have only had two instances of relapse in that category in almost two years. i know all about rock bottom and how each time gets lower and lower.

yes, you are right. i am just trying to take the easy road out. i'm not better than anybody here, and i'm not sending out an S.O.S. beacon for "save my life." i'm just seeing if anybody has any experience with the cenikor program and if that would be easier in the long run than going to jail and having to pay all these fines.

again, i apologize if i have stepped on any toes. i am very pleased with the fact that many of the people on these boards have been able to rectify their lives and get back on track through receiving help from various programs and treatments. i know full well that the desire to change is a necessity. i just don't know that the desire is there.

regardless on whether or not you agree, thank you for your input.
all my best,
-gray

lovingseren

I don't belong to AA, I know some of my friends do.
Find what works for you and work it with all your heart and soul.

Good Luck in your recovery

Seren

Anna

gray, many/most of us have had a very hard road to get to this point of sobriety where we are now.

We have all done things we regretted and I know I have lived through horrifying self-loathing. We do understand.

There are many methods of recovery that you can try:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

bugsworth

I know that you are not on a high horse, (not the nicest welcome from aa) but that you are in pain. I have been in the same pain, so from that I can share.

Seren is right, you can't see the forest for the trees. We can see more clearly, we can help....but you need to want it. We have not done anything that you can't do. Sobriety is one day away, just one day...This board is full of sober people, not all aa, so clearly it is not the only way, nor the right way, just another way. Lay aside what you think you know, and reach out, grab hold...and hang on.

-gray

i'm honestly touched by your responses. your intentions are clearly in the right place, and i can't express how much i appreciate your concerns and responses. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

i realize that i am faced with a very important decision. i will try and make the choice that i feel is best for me.

i'll check this thread again later...dinner calls right now. again, thank you guys for giving your thoughts on the matter.

be well.
-gray

possiblyNuts

Have you contacted the court about going to another program (AA preferably since its free) besides the one that they recommend? I know you don't want to do AA, but it would be so much better than spending all that money on another program. I would have jumped at the opportunity if my probation officer would have let me goto AA instead of the expensive program she was 'recommending.'


BTW, you should at least make an effort to gradually taper down your drinking. Personally, I'm trying to wean myself off right now (see my 'any thoughts on weaning?' thread in this forum if your interested in reading about it). I'm not going to straight up recommend that you do that as well, because well, I'm not a Doctor and it isn't my place to give medical advice. But it is something to think about. I'm trying to kick a 5th a day(more sometimes) addiction right now as well.

mysz

hi gray.

i had a quick look at the cenikor.org website. there it says it only costs $175??? it, ofcourse is a site advertising it. and i seriously doubt the statistics of 90% success rate that they quote.

i think that a program like that or similar is for someone that is really committed. you don't sound as though you are.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

ps. drink as much as you want - none of our business really - but DON'T drink and drive.

FIFI08

Hi everyone!!! It took me a while to actually sign up for this site!! but finally here. Anyways, there are many options to court ordered rehab. The first thing that you want to do is go to the probation office at the courthouse and ask for the probation approved list of rehabs. Call every place on the list. This requires a lot of ground work on your part, but it will pay off!!! Make sure that you ask(verify) that it is residential treatment(there's a difference between residential inpatient and outapatient). Ask about the length of their specific program. Some are 30,60,90 day, 6 month, and open ended(stay as long as you want or have to). Ask the cost. Some places also have what they call county beds which are paid for by the county. Those beds are free if you can not pay, but not all facilities have county beds. Ask if you can work while you are in their program. Some facilities you can, others will let you after the first 30 days, and other facilities will not let you at all. This is an especially important question if you already have a job before you enroll in a treatment program. You also want to ask each place about cell phones,cd players, laptops, and bringing money. Some do allow them others don't. Ask about how many clothes you can bring. Some have limits others don't. Some do not allow communication in the first thiry days so make sure you have all of your affairs in order before you go. No phone means absolutely no phone. Some places do allow them but you just have to make sure you ask all the important questions. I hope this helps!!!!!GOOD LUCK!!!!!

matt88

I'd jump at that cenikor thing if it really did clear the criminal record somehow.

StayinAlive

"i know full well that the desire to change is a necessity. i just don't know that the desire is there."

so are you saying you dont want to quit?????