DES

I haven't posted much but I've been doing a lot of reading here on the board and it's been extremely helpful I want to add!!! So, all of you who who post are helping more than just those who reply to your posts. Thank you !!!

I'm on day thirteen. I struggle to stay away from drinking from time to time which sounds par for the course. I still haven't gotten rid of the booze in my cabinet, like a security blanket I guess huh? With the exception of a three month period I've been drinking all my adult life. Lately though it has gotten really bad, rum for breakfast, (in between dry heaves) before going to my shop. Then after work I got pretty much blitzed, fall down drunk, every night. Blackouts on a daily basis.

I'm feeling better physically now, but mentally I'm no better. My blood pressure has come down some, it was dangerously high when I was drinking. I was depressed before I quit and I'm depressed now. The depression comes (I think) from my divorce about a year ago. My x had an affair and it tore me up. She was bi-polar or BPD or some combination of emotional or mental disorders. I have no energy or drive. I can barely get off the couch to grab a shower and get to work. I was in therapy for about a year and was prescribed about every anti-depressant there is at one time or another I think. I can't remember which med it was but I started to have suicidal thoughts while on it, nice huh ! Neither the drugs or the therapy seemed to do any good. I hate to go anywhere, even to the store.

I have no health insurance so I think I'm done with therapy. I was on my x's health insuance so I lost that with the divorce. Now I can't get health insurance because of my depression, the meds I was on and the notes the therapist made about my drinking. Yep, the Doc has to turn over all notes to the insurance companies.

The withdrawls were really bad for me for the first 3-4 days. Night sweats, really bad! Cold sweat the rest of the time, shivering. Either I was visited by a ghost one night or I was halucinating. Dry heaves all the time and the shakes like you won't believe. I still have mild shakes, how long will this go on? I know I took a chance by not going to a detox place but read above about the insurance and I couldn't leave my business. No, I'm not in AA. I went to a meeting when I quit before and I'm not sold on it. So far I'm doing this on my own and with the help of this board.

I don't really have a point for this posting but I guess it feels good just to write some of this out. My future should look bright but I can't seem to climb out of the hole I'm in.

Doug