For me, when I drink it is all or nothing. I cannot just have one. It always has to be an all you can drink buffet for me. Drinking just one would be like going to a breakfast buffet starving, having one piece of bacon and not being allowed to have anymore. As far back as I can think, it has always been that way for me. I am alcoholic, so it's better off for me to avoid the buffet. That is just the way I am wired. It is likely possible for some to drink heavily for a long time and not be alcoholic, but I'm not one of those. I also have trouble relating to some of the things other alcoholics have experienced or are referring to because I have not had the same experiences that they have had, but in the grand scheme of things I see lots of similarities. I often wonder if I have a deep enough level of this disease that it will allow me to find what I need to get better, or if I have to go further to instill in me what I need to commit to getting better. I hope I am done at this point though. I believe there are so many different possible levels of this disease, and whatever level I am at whether it be mild, severe or in between, I'm greatful to have found this forum and many other tools to help me cope and learn how to enjoy my sobriety.