Hi American,
I can relate to your post. And I agree with what the other posters have said. You ARE waking up, and these thoughts are part of the process. I know that you are going to AA, once you get a sponsor and start working the steps you will start to feel better..promise.
Don't let these feelings bog you down in remorse and depression. Use them to get going on your new life. You never have to be like that ever again.
big Hugs,
Karen