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What Im feeling tonight after a meeting

Old 01-09-2008, 09:57 PM
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What Im feeling tonight after a meeting

So sad, so remorseful for being drunk for most of my parenting days, most of my life.


I never felt that way before like I do now. Denial was easy because I just wouldnt let myself think about my actions, or inabilities, let alone short comings.

It hurts so much that I will never be able to go back and reverse the past. Have that chance to start from the beginning and do it all over again. be a sober mom.

I know I can move forward and do it right from this day on, but to for the first time feel for myself the pain my alcoholism has put me through,(I am only now for the first time feeling that pain, and those closest to me, my god what I have put those closest to me through,) and robbed me from is devastating.


For the first time in all my attempts to quit drinking, I am praying to god. Praying for the ability to forgive myself, and not drink. I think it will be harder to forgive myself.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:17 PM
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What you are feeling is waking up.

One of my early awakenings was to the harm I'd caused my people. Contrary to popular belief, spiritual awakenings aren't comfortable. The fact that you are waking up to that stuff means there is hope.

What if I told you that your dark past is your greatest asset? You have the chance to turn that past to good account and help someone else with if you can make use of what we have to offer.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:21 PM
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That was the hardest part to deal with was my only son. I swear I cried the first year of sobrity. He forgives me but forgiving myself was unheard of. I beat myself up for a long time. I still feel regret but I know I cannot change the past. I was messed up his whole childhood.

He is being released from prison next week. He has spent most of his 20's locked up for stealing. He has seen me sober for the last 7 years, mostly prison visits. Some times I feel the blame and then I try to not do that to myself.

I am hoping that people will respond to you so I can learn to deal with this myself. I feel it is normal to have regrets and feel pain. I held in all those emotions for so long, and I believe it is not healthy to do that anymore.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:50 PM
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Welcome Americianspirit

It sounds like you are on the road of recovery, and this is a beautiful thing. God loves you and God forgives you. You are doing what God wants you to do by seeking recovery.

It's been hard for me, in sobriety, to accept many of the decisions I made when I was drinking. Sometimes, I think about regrets and resentments I have against myself.

Prayer is the only good way I have to deal with stuff like this. Often, I "give my past" to God. God takes my past, and gives me today. If I do the best I can today, I have hope for tommorow.

Keep up the good work. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:07 PM
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Prayers help me immensley.
My God forgave me as I asked Him to.

When I did a formal 4th and 5th Steps
in AA....I did forgive myself

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Old 01-09-2008, 11:41 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
Prayers help me immensley.
My God forgave me as I asked Him to.

When I did a formal 4th and 5th Steps
in AA....I did forgive myself

Beautiful Carol thank you.

Why do I go to AA - because I get a ring side seat to miracles like this! Uncomfortable yes, but miraculous. keep going! well done.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:42 PM
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Smile Each day you are new person

Inside us is a piece of infinity. Just like infinity is constantly renewing the universe, so too we can renew ourselves. Its true you can start new right now, and by doing so the past becomes somebody else's and from now on you are a new person.

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Old 01-09-2008, 11:57 PM
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Originally Posted by AmericanSpirit View Post
So sad, so remorseful for being drunk for most of my parenting days, most of my life.

It hurts so much that I will never be able to go back and reverse the past. Have that chance to start from the beginning and do it all over again. be a sober mom.

I know I can move forward and do it right from this day on, but to for the first time feel for myself the pain my alcoholism has put me through,(I am only now for the first time feeling that pain, and those closest to me, my god what I have put those closest to me through,) and robbed me from is devastating.

For the first time in all my attempts to quit drinking, I am praying to god. Praying for the ability to forgive myself, and not drink. I think it will be harder to forgive myself.
My experience has been that I can not change raising my children in an alcoholic home. That was the path that my life took during that time. I have found that it took a while for my children to trust me again. It took being living proof that I had changed that meant; staying sober, working on who I am, and working on living the Steps and Traditions. The pay off is my children are happier, healthier and know they have a mother they can count on to be there for them both physically and emotionally. We have a better relationship today than I dreamed possible. Don't give up hope and it is okay to remember what it was like but you can not live in that. Use it as a tool to remind you why drinking is no longer an option. Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 01-10-2008, 03:29 AM
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We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
This is one of the AA promises which has come true for me and millions of others.

In order to stay sober I had to find a Power greater then myself that I understood, I call that Power God. He is more powerful then me or alcohol. My God loves me and like a parent he forgives me. I lived in shame and guilt for many things I had done in my past, I drowned in self hatred and shame for what I had done to my family, others, and to myself!

God gave me the Power to stay sober, but I had to take actions also, part of those actions was to forgive myself for my past, you see God had forgiven me, I had to humble myself and accept the fact that if I could not forgive myself then I was basically saying I was a Higher Power then God who did forgive me, I had to forgive myself for my past in order to live in today. You see as long as I did not forgive myself for my past I lived in the past and in the past I drank to rid myself of my past.... but for a short time.

In order to begin the process of forgiving myself I had to learn what I needed to forgive myself of, this was part of step #4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I sat down with pen and pad and wrote down my resentments, my fears, those I had harmed, etc. Simply putting it all on paper helped a lot, you see when the guilt and the shame of who I was existed only in my head it went into spin cycle, around and around it went, like a snowball rolling down a hill, becoming larger and larger! Once I wrote it down on paper, it quit spinning, it quit growing!

Once I had it all written down the spinning cycle of guilt and shame, hatred and fear, my past was in front of me and it had an actual size, it stopped growing!! I looked at my past and realized that what I had seen as mountains were but mole hills. DO not get me wrong, I was far from a saint, but I was no where near as bad a person as I thought I was. Writing this list allowed me to realize the things I needed to change about me to become a better person and to not feel a need to drink in order to escape who I was.

Once I had this all on paper in order to live and stay sober I needed to take further action... Step #5:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
In prayer I admitted to God the exact nature of my wrongs and asked and was given his forgiveness, then I took that list and sat down with a person I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets and discuss our inventory with him, this happened to be my sponsor (which in my opinion is the best person to do this with), it could have been a priest, rabbi, close trusted confidant, or simply someone who is very understanding. Understanding that this is done in utmost confidence and trust I discussed my inventory with him, the details of my 5th are not needed there, but my sponsor shared some of his past with me showing me that I was far from being alone in the things I had done, he shared with me how he had dealt with these problems and how I may deal with mine. This was the most freeing thing I have ever done, I was free of my past guilt and shame, I still had actions to take, but the promises below came true:

We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
Today I am forgiven of my past, I continue to make amends where I can to set right what I can of my past, but I no longer am consumed by my past, I have forgiven myself for it just as God has. My past today is a gift which I share with other alcoholics who are still slaves to thier past and to alcohol to where they can be aware that they to can be free of alcohol and the guilt and shame of thier past.

Today I live in today, free of my past, you see until I was able to really see and understand my past and forgive myself of it, I lived in the past, the only way I ever escaped my past was by drinking. Being free of my past I live in today understandiing that I can not undo my past, but I can make amends to those who love me by doing the right thing today.
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Old 01-10-2008, 04:55 AM
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Hi American,

I can relate to your post. And I agree with what the other posters have said. You ARE waking up, and these thoughts are part of the process. I know that you are going to AA, once you get a sponsor and start working the steps you will start to feel better..promise.

Don't let these feelings bog you down in remorse and depression. Use them to get going on your new life. You never have to be like that ever again.

big Hugs,

Karen
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Old 01-10-2008, 06:22 AM
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Its like waking up after sleeping for 10 years, seeing that you missed out on a whole life, family, opprotunities....and it was all your own fault. That has got to hurt. The way to neutrilize the pain is to change.....THEN self forgiveness appears, and forgiveness from other too.

Its not too late....
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:06 AM
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Thank you everyone for your sharing, advice, and support.

I am searching for a sponsor I feel will be a good match for me. One of the criteria is having had kids.

I have had horrible vivid dreams for the past 3 nights, and when I am awake I am weepy, anxiety ridden, and very anti social. Not good since I am self employed. I did not work yesterday at all.


What is a mild detox? I have been experiencing head ache, feeling foggy, anti social and massive anxiety, and crying at the drop of a hat. I am actually hoping that is what it is, if so how long can I expect it to last?
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:43 AM
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Well I never had a mild one.... LOL But then again I was a bit more pig headed then many! The physical portions of detox can last from 3-10 days. The ticket for me in dealing with the mental obsession which can last for years and is why so many people relapse was in the steps. The miracle happened for my as I was working the steps with my sponsor, the obsession to drink was lifted from me.

The old timers were so right when they said that the best time to work the steps was when you want the pain and insanity to stop.
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:52 AM
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Were we fine before we started drinking? I wasn't, I don't expect to be fine after 6 months either (it has been 6 months for me, and yes it is a thousand times better but still hard).

OMG the regrets. The mood swings. The pain.

I can remember it all vividly, it DOES get better. One day at a time isnt just a slogan, it is life.
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:25 AM
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AmericanSpirit

Yes I did go through those same things, and it did go away.

Sorry for bringing up my hurt in your post. I thought the pain of my past was gone until I read what you were going through. So, I guess It still bothers me at times.

Thanks Tazman

I did go through most of the steps years ago. If what you tell Americanspirit helps, I will do it. Life is short and I want to get the most out of it.
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:30 AM
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Please dont be sorry for sharing your pain comet, It means alot to me, and I thank you.
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Old 01-10-2008, 02:39 PM
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Thanks AmericanSpirit

Dang, I just sat here in tears because I know how you feel.
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Old 01-10-2008, 04:28 PM
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the miracle is just around the corner....waiting for you. THis too shall pass...hang on to that truth.
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Old 01-11-2008, 10:09 PM
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I heard something profound tonight at a meeting. I thought it was fitting to share here.

"Forgiveness can't change the past, but it does enlarge the future"
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Old 01-11-2008, 11:28 PM
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AmericanSpirit -

That's exactly it.

I know a way out of the hell of that remorse.

It *is* true: we can not 'undo' anything in our past.
But we *CAN* do something.

We can learn from it.

The beginning of self- forgiveness lies in the capacity to understand that we could NOT do anything else 'at the time'. We were in the depth of addiction, we were NOT in control of our lives, or our lives.
There is always a way to come to peace with the understanding that we did all we could at the time.
The twelve Steps - is the most effective way I've found so far.

The way out -

Learn from it. And make that learning ... matter.
Make it ... change you.

(I learned this little piece of brilliance from that movie 'Ghandi" ...)

a man went to Ghandi and said he was going to hell because he had killed a Muselm child. Ghandi said he knew a way out of hell. To go find a Muslem child, and raise it as his own child, and raise it to be a good Muslem.
To this day - I find that unspeakably profound.

We 'lost' time with those we loved.
God watches out for them, just as we ... are watched out for.
The way out of that hell -
we treat EVERYONE ... as we wish we had been able to treat that person when we were lost in our addiction.
Because we are NOT lost in our addictions any more.
We couldn't ... then. We CAN ... now.
We've found a solution.
This is how we PROVE it.
We've found each other.

The woman sitting across from you in the meeting -
is someone's daughter.
The man reading 'How it works'
is someone's son.
Love them ...
as you would have your own child when you couldn't.

*shrug*

makes sense to me.
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