Originally Posted by
AmericanSpirit 
So sad, so remorseful for being drunk for most of my parenting days, most of my life.
It hurts so much that I will never be able to go back and reverse the past. Have that chance to start from the beginning and do it all over again. be a sober mom.
I know I can move forward and do it right from this day on, but to for the first time feel for myself the pain my alcoholism has put me through,(I am only now for the first time feeling that pain, and those closest to me, my god what I have put those closest to me through,) and robbed me from is devastating.
For the first time in all my attempts to quit drinking, I am praying to god. Praying for the ability to forgive myself, and not drink. I think it will be harder to forgive myself.
My experience has been that I can not change raising my children in an alcoholic home. That was the path that my life took during that time. I have found that it took a while for my children to trust me again. It took being living proof that I had changed that meant; staying sober, working on who I am, and working on living the Steps and Traditions. The pay off is my children are happier, healthier and know they have a mother they can count on to be there for them both physically and emotionally. We have a better relationship today than I dreamed possible. Don't give up hope and it is okay to remember what it was like but you can not live in that. Use it as a tool to remind you why drinking is no longer an option. Good luck and keep posting.