Hey everyone, thank you tremendously for the input! It really helps!
Moose - You hit the nail on the head - our marriage is not based on honesty and trust and partnership. That is the one thing I have fought for in counseling, and the one thing she keeps pushing away from.
The answer to your question is I am not allowed into her finances, even though I'm the one that has to clean up the wreckage of her actions. I'm a CPA with a Masters in Finance. It would take me 5 minutes of going through her bank statements to figure out what is going on; she knows this, hence the stonewalling.
Our marriage counselor is really good, given what we've presented her to work with. It appears she has to work very carefully to keep my wife in the counseling room.
The last session our marriage counselor was very delicately trying to broach the topic of our finances (she is aware of the hours I work, that my wife makes $60k - $110k per year, and contributes virtually nothing). My wife felt attacked, and refused to attend any more sessions. Obviously this makes me feel she is hiding something (drugs?), but it's not like I can make her tell me what it is.
The mere suggestion she may not be managing her finances for the benefit of this marriage leads her to attack me; I'm spending too much money (95% of what I make goes to our monthly bills, taxes, and the church); I should stop titheing, etc.
We have nothing to show for the money she has that disappears (i.e. - nice furniture, clothing, etc). There is nothing in my house I see that would eat that kind of money. Hence, another reason that makes me think it is drugs.
We had a blow up over Christmas which resulted in me spending the holidays alone (we were supposed to leave town to visit her family's house - she "uninvited" me after the argument.)
When she got back four days later I calmly suggested we were in dire need to go back to the marriage counselor. She told me she'd "think about it". At that point, we were either going back to the counselor, or I was going to a divorce attorney. I did my best to keep the conversation calm; knowing if I demanded it there was zero chance she would go.
Two days later she agreed.
I booked an appointment with the therapist yesterday and told my wife. You could have cut the tension with a knife, but she said she would go.
The appointment is Thursday. I hope she shows up.