What we mean, is to stop treating an adult as if he were a helpless child.
The definition of detaching with love, is to not do for another what he should be capable of doing for himself.
I guess it's easy to say "Get on with your own life," if you are not in love with your husband. We got married at 37 and 36. We didn't have children. We did everything together, except when we were working or engaged in our own personal hobbies. We had true love and were soulmates.
You seem to be implying that the rest of us don't love our alcoholic partners. I married my ex at the ripe old age of 38. I loved him dearly, and I know he loved me too. We had no children. We did everything together. He was a successful business man. We were happy and the future looked bright.
But you can't beat the demon Alcohol. I picked him up off the floor too and drove him to detox and rehab and AA and everything. I too was told by the counselors at rehab that I was a codie and I was causing his drinking by being a codie. And they looked so smug and so condescending when they told me that. I hated them and I hated their thinking and I resented the label. But I am a codie. I just wasn't ready to see it that way at the time, and they went about it all the wrong way.
I too felt I could not live with myself if he drove drunk and hurt himself or someone else. My solution was to call the state patrol when he was driving drunk. He has now had his license suspended, and he lives with his elderly parents, who drive him to work every day. Like he were a little child. His choice, and theirs; not mine. I have no control over their choices. I will not drive a 55 yr old man around as if he were a 5 yr old. It's just not appropriate, and yet he's chosen to live his life that way. He knew the consequences of drinking; I told him right up front what I would do if he drank and drove; and he chose to drink and drive anyway.
You do not have to choose divorce. You do not have to choose separation. When we say 'Detach', what we mean is, stop propping him up and fixing his problems when they're not yours to fix. He chooses to drink. It's not a rational decision. But he's an adult, and no one's holding a gun to his head forcing him to drink. Allow him the dignity of making his own choices and taking the consequences of them.
Of course you love him. But love isn't doing everything for someone else as if they were incapable of managing their own life. He may need this divorce to get better, or at least a period of complete separation. Mine did. I loved my ex enough to let him go so he could get better - he sure wasn't going to get better so long as I was around trying to help him. Not everyone leaves their alcoholic spouse, but sometimes the alcoholic spouse leaves them. It happens. He's not rational right now, and it would take months of sobriety before he's capable of rational decision making.
I didn't really want to get divorced either, but I also don't want it to be raining today. I wanted to stay with him, and to help and support him, but he was going to kill himself with his drinking if I didn't get out of his way. He didn't want my help and support and love had nothing to do with it, mine or his. All he really wanted was to drink, and to have his parents take care of him. I went into marriage with him expecting to be married to him for the rest of our lives but it wasn't entirely up to me, was it? no, he had some say in it too. I was the one who filed in the end, but boy was he relieved when I did so.
For what it's worth, most every divorced woman I know was married to an alcoholic. It's frighteningly common.
Getting on with your life means not letting every moment of your life revolve around him and his drinking. Not obsessing over him. That doesn't mean not caring and not loving. Just not obsessing over him, and not expecting him to do what you need him to do in order for you to be happy. That's too much of a burden for another human being, to be responsible for another's happiness. Take control of your own happiness.
So, don't go to Alanon if you dont' want to. But reading posts from different people here will give you more knowledge of what you're up against, and how others in similar situations have managed. And talking with your friend too is a good idea.
Hey! I got my wish about it not raining today! it just turned to snow!