fiercetears

My husband has a drinking problem. It started in college and I assumed then it was a phase. By our junior year f college, I was beginning to get worried. Our final year, he received a DWI and decided he was going to stop drinking. I moved to Toronto to do a 1 year MA but became concerned about his behavior and came back. The time between then and our wedding was a roller coaster, some days were great and others awful. We were going to be moving a couple of hours away after we got married so I could go to grad school and he thought it would help him get more focused. We moved and he had a hard time finding a job and began drinking, I was focused on my own thing and although we occassionally fought about it, we pretty well just ignored it. he finally landed a good job that he was excited about and became happy and productive. I naively thought the drinking would end. It did for a while, things were steady and we found out we were having a baby. He was awesome. I had really bad morning sickness and he cooked and cleaned and took care of me. At about 5 months though, the sickness went away and he started acting strange. He would go out until 2 am and not answer his phone and come home drunk. He told me he knew when the baby came his life would be over. So he would promise to take his phone and I backed off. I started to get really concerned when the doc made me stay home the last month due to false labor and he was still going out and not answering his phone. Thankfully I ad to be induced so he knew and was there with me.

When we had the baby he was once again amazing! He helped me at the hospital, cooked, and cleaned, changed diapers. Then we had a big fight because he went out and got drunk when I was 2 weeks post c-section. He left and didn't come back until the next day. I was dealing with mild ppd and he couldn't handle it. This happened again when our son was 4 weeks old.We decided to move back home so we could be closer to family and he promised this time he was going to stop and get his life together. As you can probably guess this didn't happen. He was still hiding alcohol disappearing for hours and coming home drunk. Our plans to move fell through and he began to look for a new job. He thought if he could get a new job he would be happier. Around October I suspected he had drank while watching our son, called him on it, and left. I told my parents and friends. I really wanted it to be real that time.

He fell apart, went to the doc and was diagnosed with a yeast infection in his kidneys, told to start a restrictive diet or die basically, and stopped drinking and smoking. Around this time, he got a great new job and asked me to come home. He took the diet very seriously at first and things were looking up. We had a series of deaths in the family and he was there with me. In Nov. during a college football game, he relapsed and told me about it. I cried because it was the first time he had ever been honest about the drinking. He got right back on the wagon, threw himself into his new job, and things stayed up.

My first warning sign was that he started smoking again. Everyone at his new job smoked. I tried to encourage him to find an alternate activity. Then he slowly went off the diet. On New Years Day, he came home from running an errand smelling like liquor started saying he was unloved by me and no one liked him and I knew he had been drinking. He fell asleep on the couch at 3 pm. The next day while he was working, I took the baby shopping. In the trunk I came across a bottle of mt.dew and was greeted w/the smell of vodka when I opened it. I know it was there from the previous day since I had been in there two days before. I s thought a lot about it. Do I confront him? Do I let it go as a relapse? I finally decided to acknowledge it and let it go. I told him about the bottle, he admitted it and said he wanted to get back on the diet and get things back in order. He said he was sorry about the guilt trips. I forgave him and we decided to move forward.

Today he took the baby to run to the store, so I could get some time alone. I did some stuff around the house. He came home and I immediately knew he had been drinking. Not much, just enough that his eyes were slightly glazed and his movement stiff. Most people wouldn't have noticed but I knew. I sat there thinking about what to do. He was sober but only in the non-alcoholic sense of the word. A normsl person would function just fine with this level of booze. He was functioning quite well. I called him out on it. He didn't admit to drinking, he made me feel guilty - telling me I don't love or appreciate him and I am going to think what I will think. He was very clear and if it weren't for a few little quirks I would have thought I was falsely accusing him. He managed to turn the conversation into faults w/our marriage. So I asked him why we were together if I made him that unhappy and suggested that if that was the case, we should separate. He doesn't want that though. He "loves me' and wants to be with me. Yet, I make him feel bad about himself?

He then turned it into a conversation about the small biz we are starting and how I have no faith in it. I have a 7 month-old, I go to school, I teach, and I keep house - its hard for me to find the time but I still work on it.

Throughout this conversation, he seemed to get more drunk. Not sure why since he was in my sight the whole time and this was a matter of hours.

Before you ask, he refuses to go to AA because he doesn't believe in God. He says he can do this on his own. Part of me wants to leave but I have very little money and no family close and a baby to think of. The other part of me sees that he is not an all-bad guy. He adores his son and most of the time we get along well. I just don't think I can go back to checking his breath everytime he comes home.