I'm new, husband relapsed

Old 01-03-2008, 04:04 PM
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Unhappy I'm new, husband relapsed

My husband has a drinking problem. It started in college and I assumed then it was a phase. By our junior year f college, I was beginning to get worried. Our final year, he received a DWI and decided he was going to stop drinking. I moved to Toronto to do a 1 year MA but became concerned about his behavior and came back. The time between then and our wedding was a roller coaster, some days were great and others awful. We were going to be moving a couple of hours away after we got married so I could go to grad school and he thought it would help him get more focused. We moved and he had a hard time finding a job and began drinking, I was focused on my own thing and although we occassionally fought about it, we pretty well just ignored it. he finally landed a good job that he was excited about and became happy and productive. I naively thought the drinking would end. It did for a while, things were steady and we found out we were having a baby. He was awesome. I had really bad morning sickness and he cooked and cleaned and took care of me. At about 5 months though, the sickness went away and he started acting strange. He would go out until 2 am and not answer his phone and come home drunk. He told me he knew when the baby came his life would be over. So he would promise to take his phone and I backed off. I started to get really concerned when the doc made me stay home the last month due to false labor and he was still going out and not answering his phone. Thankfully I ad to be induced so he knew and was there with me.

When we had the baby he was once again amazing! He helped me at the hospital, cooked, and cleaned, changed diapers. Then we had a big fight because he went out and got drunk when I was 2 weeks post c-section. He left and didn't come back until the next day. I was dealing with mild ppd and he couldn't handle it. This happened again when our son was 4 weeks old.We decided to move back home so we could be closer to family and he promised this time he was going to stop and get his life together. As you can probably guess this didn't happen. He was still hiding alcohol disappearing for hours and coming home drunk. Our plans to move fell through and he began to look for a new job. He thought if he could get a new job he would be happier. Around October I suspected he had drank while watching our son, called him on it, and left. I told my parents and friends. I really wanted it to be real that time.

He fell apart, went to the doc and was diagnosed with a yeast infection in his kidneys, told to start a restrictive diet or die basically, and stopped drinking and smoking. Around this time, he got a great new job and asked me to come home. He took the diet very seriously at first and things were looking up. We had a series of deaths in the family and he was there with me. In Nov. during a college football game, he relapsed and told me about it. I cried because it was the first time he had ever been honest about the drinking. He got right back on the wagon, threw himself into his new job, and things stayed up.

My first warning sign was that he started smoking again. Everyone at his new job smoked. I tried to encourage him to find an alternate activity. Then he slowly went off the diet. On New Years Day, he came home from running an errand smelling like liquor started saying he was unloved by me and no one liked him and I knew he had been drinking. He fell asleep on the couch at 3 pm. The next day while he was working, I took the baby shopping. In the trunk I came across a bottle of mt.dew and was greeted w/the smell of vodka when I opened it. I know it was there from the previous day since I had been in there two days before. I s thought a lot about it. Do I confront him? Do I let it go as a relapse? I finally decided to acknowledge it and let it go. I told him about the bottle, he admitted it and said he wanted to get back on the diet and get things back in order. He said he was sorry about the guilt trips. I forgave him and we decided to move forward.

Today he took the baby to run to the store, so I could get some time alone. I did some stuff around the house. He came home and I immediately knew he had been drinking. Not much, just enough that his eyes were slightly glazed and his movement stiff. Most people wouldn't have noticed but I knew. I sat there thinking about what to do. He was sober but only in the non-alcoholic sense of the word. A normsl person would function just fine with this level of booze. He was functioning quite well. I called him out on it. He didn't admit to drinking, he made me feel guilty - telling me I don't love or appreciate him and I am going to think what I will think. He was very clear and if it weren't for a few little quirks I would have thought I was falsely accusing him. He managed to turn the conversation into faults w/our marriage. So I asked him why we were together if I made him that unhappy and suggested that if that was the case, we should separate. He doesn't want that though. He "loves me' and wants to be with me. Yet, I make him feel bad about himself?

He then turned it into a conversation about the small biz we are starting and how I have no faith in it. I have a 7 month-old, I go to school, I teach, and I keep house - its hard for me to find the time but I still work on it.

Throughout this conversation, he seemed to get more drunk. Not sure why since he was in my sight the whole time and this was a matter of hours.

Before you ask, he refuses to go to AA because he doesn't believe in God. He says he can do this on his own. Part of me wants to leave but I have very little money and no family close and a baby to think of. The other part of me sees that he is not an all-bad guy. He adores his son and most of the time we get along well. I just don't think I can go back to checking his breath everytime he comes home.
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Old 01-03-2008, 04:44 PM
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Your story sounds so much like mine....I think they all pretty much sound alike.....Such a great guy when "sober"

I really dont have much advice....Like I said I am in a VERY similiar situation. I have 4 little ones, am going to school full-time and he is an "angel" when he is sober.....So helpful, loving, attentive.....Gosh I really feel for you...I can count on one hand how many times I have left the children in his care and came home to find he had been drinking. Such a gut-wrenching disappointment. I finally had to make sure I got a babysitter for EVERYTIME I wasnt going to be there. It was difficult because IF he was sober I knew he could be a great father.. the whole issue was IF... my AB can not control it. And I could not take a risk on my children.

I will finish my post later.. he is right behind me
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Old 01-03-2008, 05:31 PM
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Welcome to SR. You are singin' our song. We know exactly what you are going through.

I have no doubt that your AH is a wonderful person. But he is a sick person, first and foremost. First of all, try to remember that relapse is a symptom of the disease. It can and does happen.

Next, when you argue with an A, they have this amazing ability to throw up smoke screens, make up excuses (unhappy with work, etc.), and turn things around so that everything looks like our fault. They will say just about anything to achieve this. Don't you fall for it!!! This is their way of getting the focus off of them. And for a while, we even believe them ("Is it ME?" "Am I making a big deal out of this?" We ask ourselves). I think we do that primarily because we want the problem to disappear. We want to be able to dismiss and/or downplay what's going on. But it gets worse, and worse and worse, until it's SO in-your-face that you can no longer ignore it.

I have witnessed what you said about how he appeared to get drunker and drunker before your very eyes, even though he never left your presence. I can't explain it, but I have seen it. We went to dinner one night with my daughter and son-in-law. He was perfectly fine when he got into the car. However, the farther we drove, the more he started slurring his words and not making any sense. When we arrived at our destination, he literally fell out of the car. It was as if he had been drinking before we left, and the alcohol had a delayed reaction, or something.

My AH's choice was also vodka. It was so easy for him to hide this in a glass of water, for example. They get extremely creative in finding ways to drink without your knowing it. But you DO know, as you said. I could tell the second I laid eyes on mine. One word out of his mouth, and I knew.

My AH would disappear for hours. To this day, I don't know where he was.

About AA... it is NOT focused on God. It is focused on sobriety. There are members of AA on this forum who can explain this to you. In my opinion, rehab and AA are your husband's best chance. My suggestion to you is to learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism so that you are armed with the knowledge you will need to face this. You should try attending some Alanon meetings for yourself.

Since your husband has expressed a desire to get sober, he might be open to entering a treatment facility. I would, also, learn more about AA and approach him again with this idea.

Lastly, here's one thing you can cross off your list of things-to-do: You can stop checking his breath and looking for clues that he has been drinking and is lying to you. He has and he is. It's as simple as that. Confronting him will not accomplish anything, except create more turmoil in your home. Believe me, I know this is a lot easier said than done. You can't talk him out of it. You can't reason with him. And you need to save your energy for more important things, like taking care of your baby. You can't have any more "alone" time, because your husband can't be trusted to stay sober while the baby is in his care.

Please read the other posts, and you keep posting.
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Old 01-03-2008, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by hope2bhappy View Post
.......try to remember that relapse is a symptom of the disease.

.
Hi, and welcome to SR! Its a great place and I'm sure you'll find lots of wisdom here.

I am an alcoholic (sober in AA) as well as a codependent (in AlAnon). As a double winner i often used to tell myself that relapse was a part of the disease.

Now i've come to believe that that is similar to the logic that "crashing my car is just part of driving".

It doesn't always have to be the case. Sobriety is a gift and a choice. I pray that your husband wants it totally and goes for it.

For you, meanwhile, please take good care of your needs and be gentle with yourself. Its very stressful going through relapses in this disease, so, pay good attention to YOU.

We are here for you any time. Keep posting!
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Old 01-03-2008, 06:36 PM
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Thank you all for your kind responses. It feels very lonely sometimes as I do not have people in my life who understand.

AH has agreed to go to couples counseling. Do you think this may be a way to broach the subject of AA or does he have to decide to go on his own? I'm not sure he ever will.
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Old 01-03-2008, 08:22 PM
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Fierce, we ALL know this story....A's follow a similar pattern. I'll give you my advice and you can take it or not....just my advice from a husband whose wife if 5 years failing in sobriety. Couples counseling will do no good at this point. The problem with the couple is one of the two of you is ALCOHOLIC! He has to address that first, you can't work on the couple part until the elephant is out of the room and the poop is clean up. This is a common tactic of alcoholics to defelect the attention away from themselves. If WE have a problem I can place some blame for MY problem on you. My advice is only agree to couple counseling if he agrees to a treatment program and AA. Not going to AA is also a way to avoid him problem. I told my wife that God might not be a bad thing to try since nothing else is working!

I also have an answer for the getting more drunk in front of your eyes. My wife would do this all the time. What happens is that they power drink right before they will be with you for an extended period and will not be able to sneak off. By power drink I mean MAJOR quantities. My wife would drive to the liquor store down a fifth of whiskey and drive the 1.5 miles home. she could be sober for about 20 minutes as the alcohol hit her system......she was doing that on a regular basis.

Hang in there and be strong!
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:10 AM
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Going to the couples counseling is fine if you go in with the undestanding that it won't work until that elephant in the room is dealt with. You can perhaps use it to get independent reinforcement that his alcoholism is the biggest problem and roadblock to you working on issues as a couple.

Have you gone to AlAnon or gotten into individual counseling? You cannot change him but you can work on yourself and understanding how his behaviors are affecting you.
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:11 AM
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(((fierce)))

I am married 26 years to an alcoholic and am learning some things in this thread, you see, I alternate between denial and facing it head on. It is a confusing way to live. The scary thing in accepting it as fact is that then one has to act, or at least we think we do. It is possible to live with a functioning alcoholic for a life time but know that this disease is progressive. Those ups and downs of relative sobriety and downright drunkenness hurt no less having been through them repeatedly. It just gets more tiresome.

The key is taking care of you. Getting help and the support of new friends (Al Anon maybe) that know what you are talking about and you feel free to talk to without being judged. You can not control what he does.
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Old 01-04-2008, 07:59 AM
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Welcome Fierce

JT hit on the nail
The key is taking care of you. Getting help and the support of new friends (Al Anon maybe) that know what you are talking about and you feel free to talk to without being judged. You can not control what he does.
So with that I just want to say I'm glad that you found us & keep posting-check out some of the stickys at the top of the forums. Please keep posting!
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