Boy, was I ever there! I don't even know where to begin - so lets start with identification. When my AD was 17, we found out she was using cocaine heavily - from her XBF. Then we heard rumours she was also snorting heroin, that she was prostituting, that she was smoking crack - she did an excellent job of denying, lying, explaining... and because I am her mom and love her so much and so wanted it to be better than it actually was, I believed her. Every single 'rumor' we heard from her friends was the absolute truth, as it turned out. they were also calling me with concern and aksing me to 'do something'. I had thought for months that she might be stealing from my wallet. But I blamed it on my own ADD (attentin deficit disorder) and thought I must just be forgetting how much I had, or how much I spent. Finally I became willing to keep track in writing and guess what? It wasn't my scatterbrained ways - she was stealing from my wallet. then my husband and I kept coming up short over and over in our checking account. After some more denial and self-blame, we called the bank. Turned out they had records of ATM withdrawals (several per day!) that we know we did not make becuase we had 'alibi's' - we were both at work or someplace else and could not have made those withdrawals. Guess who did? So finally, we confront her and start urine testing her. She passes the tests over and over again. Want to know how? She got the little girl she babysat for to give her her urine, which she kept taped to her leg in a ziplock bag to keep it warm! When I tested her, I insisted she leave her pocketbook outside the bathroom and I checked her pockets (I thought I was clever enough to prevent her from cheating, but I wasn't). So of course, her urine was always warm so I didn't suspect it was 'old' and not hers. And of course, it was always negative for drugs.
Finally, she robbed us when we went on vacation and finally, we called the cops, and threw her out. Calling the cops turned out to be useless. Not only did WE have to pay for HER lawyer according to NJ law, even though WE were the victim of her crime (which cost more than the amount of the theft), but she simply didn't show up to court and those charges are still pending a year and a half later. Minors get away with a lot. They refused to hold her in jail because she was a minor, even though the charges were felonies.
However, throwing her out (she was 2 months shy of her 18th birthday) did eventually accomplish some things. She stayed with friends and soon got thrown out of each place because she would rob them and their families as well. She wound up on the streets of Newark, prostituting and living in an abandoned building. It was a horrible, terrible year for me. But when she finally surfaced, she did want to try to get help. Unfortunatley, the first 3 times failed. she left the detox or got kicked out and never made it longer than 6 days.
today, though, she is much more honest and much more willing. She also contracted the AIDS virus out there. This seems to be scaring the crap out of her and that's good. Everyone I know in recovery strongly feels she will be surrendering pretty soon and getting clean. Its nerve-wracking (huge understatement) to watch her self-destruct, while I wait for her consequences to catch up with her. But I still do believe that they will - she knows I am there for her and will help her when she's willing.
Kicking her out was the best way for me to get past the anger and the feelings of betrayal for all the lies and manipulation and stealing. (BTW, she stole by her own admission - which took her a year to admit-a total of $10,000 from us in cash and goods.)
I now see her as a sick and suffering addict with a disease she did not ask for. The anger is gone. I love her. I also frequently beat my head against the wall trying to force her to see the light - only to have to admit my own powerlessness over and over again.
Since your AD sounds just exactly where mine was a year and half ago (never where she said she would be, constant lies, attitude all over the place, her friends telling you what you don't want to hear and refuse to believe), I suspect that she is not even close to being ready to stop using and nothing you do will change that. My AD told me recently, "There was nothing you or anyone else could say or do to stop me from going to Newark and getting drugs at that time." As far as the urine testing, I think it has its place if there is a reason you want to do it. We had set the rule that she would be kicked out of our home if she came up positive for cocaine or opiates. I suggest the same rule for you and yours. But, based on my experience with this, you'll need to stand in the bathroom with her and watch the urine come out of her and land in the cup.
Throwing her out will allow her to suffer the consequences of using sooner and harder and that is good. It will also give you a reprieve from the madness in your own home. however, I'm not gonna lie. It was hell for me not knowing where she was and the fear was at times unbearable. But the truth was, I never really knew where she was even when she lived at home. She was never where she said she was and she was already doing dangerous things with dangerous people in dangerous places. So all I was giving up was some illusion of control and knowledge by kicking her out.
Of course, if she's under 16, you can't kick her out. You can have her declared 'incorrigible' and let her go into the system. Or, if you are lucky, your state may allow mandatory treatment of minors if the parents want it. My state did not have that law, and I couldn't force her into treatment as a minor.
If she isn't a minor, set some rules and boundaries quick and tell her what the consequences will be. Then stick to it. She won't be able to follow your rules if she's using and doesn't want to stop. So the consequences need to be severe and do-able, such as throwing her out(don't forget to change the locks right away afterwards) or, if you can, have her arrested and maybe you'll have better luck than we did with getting her mandated by the court to treatment. That's a consequence that sometimes works for addicts, since the alternative is jail time.
Right now, it sounds like she is just fine with her life of using and probably hasn't suffered much yet. she is obsessed with getting high - and that puts you and the rest of your family in her way and in danger because she will steal, lie, manipulate, and even hurt you physically if you get in her way. So be careful .
But don't give up on her, and always pray and keep praying - Prayer for me, was the single most important thing I did for myself and continue to do.
BTW, I too was a single parent until she was 8 and I married her stepdad. She was loved by one and all. Your daughter uses drugs because she has the disease of addiction. period.