big 'ole vent

Old 12-31-2007, 12:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
sjr
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
big 'ole vent

well it's at the point her friends are starting to call out of concern!! i got a call today from one of ad's friends telling me she was now shooting up heroin. that her other friend had seen the track marks. i looked tonight at her arms nothing there. but the friend said she saw them two weeks ago. the friend who called had just heard that today.

she has been gone for the past three days. i did find out a lot of information today through her friend though. one being, she has spent the past three days at her little loser xbf's house!! ~~and here is a good one....she didn't go to her dad's for christmas while i was in florida. even though i spoke to him before i left he was on his way to pick her up. everytime i called her from florida, she gave me some great story about how her and her step-sister we're shopping or blahblahblah, whatever.

i of course,can't get up with her dad right now. i have called several times to talk to him. he isn't home, won't call back. piece o'shiate he is!!!

so she spent xmas here by herself, i am sure partying like a rockstar in my house!! i am soooo pissed!!!

she of course denies, denies, denies...that's the rule right...deny and then it isn't true. i even went and bought the flippin' drug test. i know, i know...waste of money. but on the way home from the store, i said you know i am not going to give it to her because she actually wants me to. which says to me, she'll pass for heroin. three days i think and it out of your system.

i still have the test. maybe i will return it.~~or just keep it under the counter for later use. i don't know.

she lies so much
she lies so well
she will come up with a story at the drop of a hat, with out blinking an eye.

something has to give........soon.........
my sanity and her life are at stake.
new year's eve will come and bring another year. i was so hoping 08 would be better for us. ~~how do you help someone who doesn't want it. those of you that have read my other post know i have tried and tried. she doesn't think she has a problem.

i am sick of addiction. and i am ashamed to say, i am sick of her!! i am sooo sick of the lies and bulls**t stories she comes up with. i am sick of hiding my purse, and wondering where the heck she is. i am sick of waiting up to see if she will come home. i am sick of the whole package!!!!! i am sick of talking about it, thinking about it, and living with it. i don't think i can be more 'over it' than i am right this second.

but i can't be. she is mine. my only kid. she was the reason i tried so hard to become a better person and give her the life she deserved. wtf happened along the way???????? i think often about the three c's. and i honestly do believe them. but sometimes i still question my self.

i know i didn't cause it....my brother is an addict in fed. prison right now...he won't get out until he is in his 50's. we grew up with the same rotten child hood. he chose drugs and crime.~~if it wasn't nailed down he would steal it. heck even if it was he would try and steal it....i took my childhood and went the opposite way. to never be like my step-dad. and to never live the way my mom did...with abuse from a man.

my daughter has never experienced and hopefully never will the things i went through as a kid. she has had pretty much a plain 'ole childhood with lots of good memories. i was a single parent, but damnit, i made up for 'him' not being there the best i could. she never lacked in friends or activities. i went to every dance, every recital, every football game she cheered at, every cheerleading competiton i could. ....so i guess it doesn't matter how you grow up...it is how you choose to act while you do it.

and ya know what tees me off....if anybody in this family should of done drugs it was me!! i didn't!!! why the hell does she???????

i am on a rant and could probaly type for another hour, but i am gonna quit, cause my blood is starting to boil as i sit here!!

i am sorry this is long, i guess a good 'ole vent was needed and it is like three in the morning and i can't call anyone. shoot, people are sick of me calling and whining about my kid anyhow i feel like. it's all i've talked about for two years............agggggghhhhhhhhh.......just needed to get it out.

thanks.......s
sjr is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 03:28 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
I'm sorry for all your going through right now. This sounds so like where my RAd was a just over a year ago. If your daughter is indeed shooting heroin, it is unlikely that she can go 3 days without it. She would get pretty sick. Unfortunatly not much will happen untill she is ready for it to happen. It sounds like she doesn't want to disapoint you by the answers she is giving you, shopping ect. (((sjr))) Praying for you and your daughter.
helpus is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 03:50 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Boy, was I ever there! I don't even know where to begin - so lets start with identification. When my AD was 17, we found out she was using cocaine heavily - from her XBF. Then we heard rumours she was also snorting heroin, that she was prostituting, that she was smoking crack - she did an excellent job of denying, lying, explaining... and because I am her mom and love her so much and so wanted it to be better than it actually was, I believed her. Every single 'rumor' we heard from her friends was the absolute truth, as it turned out. they were also calling me with concern and aksing me to 'do something'. I had thought for months that she might be stealing from my wallet. But I blamed it on my own ADD (attentin deficit disorder) and thought I must just be forgetting how much I had, or how much I spent. Finally I became willing to keep track in writing and guess what? It wasn't my scatterbrained ways - she was stealing from my wallet. then my husband and I kept coming up short over and over in our checking account. After some more denial and self-blame, we called the bank. Turned out they had records of ATM withdrawals (several per day!) that we know we did not make becuase we had 'alibi's' - we were both at work or someplace else and could not have made those withdrawals. Guess who did? So finally, we confront her and start urine testing her. She passes the tests over and over again. Want to know how? She got the little girl she babysat for to give her her urine, which she kept taped to her leg in a ziplock bag to keep it warm! When I tested her, I insisted she leave her pocketbook outside the bathroom and I checked her pockets (I thought I was clever enough to prevent her from cheating, but I wasn't). So of course, her urine was always warm so I didn't suspect it was 'old' and not hers. And of course, it was always negative for drugs.

Finally, she robbed us when we went on vacation and finally, we called the cops, and threw her out. Calling the cops turned out to be useless. Not only did WE have to pay for HER lawyer according to NJ law, even though WE were the victim of her crime (which cost more than the amount of the theft), but she simply didn't show up to court and those charges are still pending a year and a half later. Minors get away with a lot. They refused to hold her in jail because she was a minor, even though the charges were felonies.

However, throwing her out (she was 2 months shy of her 18th birthday) did eventually accomplish some things. She stayed with friends and soon got thrown out of each place because she would rob them and their families as well. She wound up on the streets of Newark, prostituting and living in an abandoned building. It was a horrible, terrible year for me. But when she finally surfaced, she did want to try to get help. Unfortunatley, the first 3 times failed. she left the detox or got kicked out and never made it longer than 6 days.

today, though, she is much more honest and much more willing. She also contracted the AIDS virus out there. This seems to be scaring the crap out of her and that's good. Everyone I know in recovery strongly feels she will be surrendering pretty soon and getting clean. Its nerve-wracking (huge understatement) to watch her self-destruct, while I wait for her consequences to catch up with her. But I still do believe that they will - she knows I am there for her and will help her when she's willing.

Kicking her out was the best way for me to get past the anger and the feelings of betrayal for all the lies and manipulation and stealing. (BTW, she stole by her own admission - which took her a year to admit-a total of $10,000 from us in cash and goods.)
I now see her as a sick and suffering addict with a disease she did not ask for. The anger is gone. I love her. I also frequently beat my head against the wall trying to force her to see the light - only to have to admit my own powerlessness over and over again.

Since your AD sounds just exactly where mine was a year and half ago (never where she said she would be, constant lies, attitude all over the place, her friends telling you what you don't want to hear and refuse to believe), I suspect that she is not even close to being ready to stop using and nothing you do will change that. My AD told me recently, "There was nothing you or anyone else could say or do to stop me from going to Newark and getting drugs at that time." As far as the urine testing, I think it has its place if there is a reason you want to do it. We had set the rule that she would be kicked out of our home if she came up positive for cocaine or opiates. I suggest the same rule for you and yours. But, based on my experience with this, you'll need to stand in the bathroom with her and watch the urine come out of her and land in the cup.

Throwing her out will allow her to suffer the consequences of using sooner and harder and that is good. It will also give you a reprieve from the madness in your own home. however, I'm not gonna lie. It was hell for me not knowing where she was and the fear was at times unbearable. But the truth was, I never really knew where she was even when she lived at home. She was never where she said she was and she was already doing dangerous things with dangerous people in dangerous places. So all I was giving up was some illusion of control and knowledge by kicking her out.

Of course, if she's under 16, you can't kick her out. You can have her declared 'incorrigible' and let her go into the system. Or, if you are lucky, your state may allow mandatory treatment of minors if the parents want it. My state did not have that law, and I couldn't force her into treatment as a minor.

If she isn't a minor, set some rules and boundaries quick and tell her what the consequences will be. Then stick to it. She won't be able to follow your rules if she's using and doesn't want to stop. So the consequences need to be severe and do-able, such as throwing her out(don't forget to change the locks right away afterwards) or, if you can, have her arrested and maybe you'll have better luck than we did with getting her mandated by the court to treatment. That's a consequence that sometimes works for addicts, since the alternative is jail time.

Right now, it sounds like she is just fine with her life of using and probably hasn't suffered much yet. she is obsessed with getting high - and that puts you and the rest of your family in her way and in danger because she will steal, lie, manipulate, and even hurt you physically if you get in her way. So be careful .

But don't give up on her, and always pray and keep praying - Prayer for me, was the single most important thing I did for myself and continue to do.

BTW, I too was a single parent until she was 8 and I married her stepdad. She was loved by one and all. Your daughter uses drugs because she has the disease of addiction. period.
sleepygoat is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 04:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
marle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just sending some prayers for you and your daughter. Sleepygoat said a lot of the things that I would say. What you will find with addiction is that it is progressive and the stories all seem the same. The one variable in the equation is you. You can stop being a part of the addiction dance anytime. You can change yourself. There is hope for a better life for you. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 05:16 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
CatsPajamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( SJR )))

There really is hope for a better life for you. Just for today, can you be a bit selfish and only take care of YOU? Take a walk, grab a cup of coffee with a friend and have a conversation about anything else besides your daughter, read a good book.

You've been around here long enough to know that Addicts do what addicts do regardless of how we feel about it. Enjoy the day - just for you~

Hugs and love,
Cats
CatsPajamas is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 10:17 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hugs and prayers from another mom of AD
susan
caileesnana is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 10:24 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
sjr,
Good for you, just spill it, scream it, write it, and let it all out!

Okay, done?




Now, go do something GOOD for you.
Just you.
Only you.



Hugs,
mooselips is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 10:54 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Still Standing
 
Nina Kay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Sending you ((((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))))))

I hope that you'll take Cats & Moose up on their suggestions. It's real important.
Nina Kay is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 11:54 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
sjr
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
you know how they say what you do on new year's eve reflects the rest of the year...old wives tale....at least i hope!!

this morning just turned into a huge arguement....full of tell ME how i need to GROW up.haha this coming from the mouth of my sixteen year old addict BRAT OF A KID. yep i am still so over her.

full restraint was something i had to rely on just now...i went in my room to get away from her and she was yelling at me from the bathroom, apparently brushing her teeth, came in my room and spit her toothpaste all over me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i told her to pack her sh*t and get out...she left with only her purse....i said surely all of your belongings aren't in that purse.!!! get all of your stuff and get out!

she left.

drug abuse aside...i do NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE this kind of blatant disrespect. i need to calm down and figure out my options. i will NOT live like this for another year!!

..........s
sjr is offline  
Old 12-31-2007, 12:04 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Bridge CLOSED
 
Elana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Not only do you not have to tolerate disrespect, you don't deserve such disrespect. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED WITH DISRESPECAT. NO ONE.. either side of this addiction fence.

Best to walk away or force the other party to walk away.

Sometimes anger can be your friend. It can force the break that needs to be made.
Elana is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 PM.