Frost,
Gosh, I know how you feel. I had kind of an eye-opener with a friend who was NOT a friend for a long time because I was so incredibly high maintenance. One day I think she had had enough of the "dumping" I did so often (which I did to all my friends because I didn't know who else to talk to) and she said, very firmly but nicely, "Why does everything always seem to be so desperate with you? Do you ever not have some painful inner crisis going on?"
Of course, I was mortified by that kind of honesty, and couldn't bear to be around that person for a long time.
Because it was so true. I didn't MEAN to be a walking drama queen, but I hadn't yet realized that I just didn't feel normal unless there was some crisis happening, or someone I was mad at, or someone who was bugging or hurting me, childhood trauma to hash out, etc.
Sigh.
She's back in my life now and it's a good friendship, healthy and balanced. But I had to learn what YOU'VE been learning first.....that our inner work doesn't have to make us a walking soap opera, chasing away potential friends. We get there eventually, hm?
Growing, I did not see my alcoholic stepmother on this trip. I would've preferred that she not know I was home for the holidays (never feeling welcome there anyway) but she found out, and last night she left a drunken, scathing, tearful message on my voicemail. I listened to the first twenty words or so, then "3'd" through the rest of the message, deleted it, and took a long walk around the block. Yuck! Is there anything more uncomfortable to an ACoA than to have someone furious at us??
Today I've got "The Secret" on my iPod, though, and it's driving all those guilty, angry thoughts out of my head. They have a video on their web site that is just really gorgeous - hard to explain, sort of like a set of fantastic affirmations, superimposed on beautiful video and music, and I've been watching it obsessively. I can almost feel myself healing.
Love to everybody as we head into a new year. Hoping that, for all of us, it's our best one yet.